Dissociated1
Silver Member
Healing the scars of abuse means many different things to many different people. What it means to an individual can change over the course of recovery. My goals for therapy have always been a very personal decision. I take the things my wife and doctors say very seriously but the final decision has to be what is best for my alters and me.
Many people overlook an important distinction between “integration” and “fusion.” Integration is about team building, alters learning to work together for the good of the self. It may or may not result in fewer alters in a system (fusion). It was three years after my female alter became self-aware before the bloody battle for control of the body ended and my System would even admit there were benefits to integration. The idea of fusion is still terrifying.
I am and always will be dissociative; no amount of therapy is ever going to change that. The combination of my environment and the things that happened to me as a child caused my mind to develop a series of alters to share the functions of daily life and to contain traumatic emotions and memories. The System worked like a well-oiled machine to simulate a "normal" person for nearly 50 years until my dissociative identities became a disorder.
When I first started therapy all I wanted was for my life to go back to the way it was before I knew my alters existed and I was doing it all myself. Seven years later I realize my alters are an amazing coping mechanism my mind used to survive the things that happened to me as a child. I may not have been aware of them all those years, but I never was “doing it by myself.” For all the flashbacks and nightmares, my alters aren’t a curse; they are the reason I am alive today.
The young parts of myself no longer bear their burdens alone. They have someone they can trust and know they are safe. I share their pain. I know the horrible things they protected me from so I could live a happy life. I respect them and love them and value their needs and wants. I understand their roles in my System and the color each of them adds to my life. And I see the responsibility I have to provide them with an adult perspective and to be the loving parent they never had.
Integration has brought a level of peace and self-awareness I have never known before. The flashbacks, time loss and nightmares have decreased significantly and unlike all the years before my breakdown, my alters and I have learned to work as a team. The “disorder” is gone; my “dissociative identities” function as a healthy system again. Reluctance to let go of the past or the way my mind works best, I’m not sure fusion will ever be right for my System.
Many people overlook an important distinction between “integration” and “fusion.” Integration is about team building, alters learning to work together for the good of the self. It may or may not result in fewer alters in a system (fusion). It was three years after my female alter became self-aware before the bloody battle for control of the body ended and my System would even admit there were benefits to integration. The idea of fusion is still terrifying.
I am and always will be dissociative; no amount of therapy is ever going to change that. The combination of my environment and the things that happened to me as a child caused my mind to develop a series of alters to share the functions of daily life and to contain traumatic emotions and memories. The System worked like a well-oiled machine to simulate a "normal" person for nearly 50 years until my dissociative identities became a disorder.
When I first started therapy all I wanted was for my life to go back to the way it was before I knew my alters existed and I was doing it all myself. Seven years later I realize my alters are an amazing coping mechanism my mind used to survive the things that happened to me as a child. I may not have been aware of them all those years, but I never was “doing it by myself.” For all the flashbacks and nightmares, my alters aren’t a curse; they are the reason I am alive today.
The young parts of myself no longer bear their burdens alone. They have someone they can trust and know they are safe. I share their pain. I know the horrible things they protected me from so I could live a happy life. I respect them and love them and value their needs and wants. I understand their roles in my System and the color each of them adds to my life. And I see the responsibility I have to provide them with an adult perspective and to be the loving parent they never had.
Integration has brought a level of peace and self-awareness I have never known before. The flashbacks, time loss and nightmares have decreased significantly and unlike all the years before my breakdown, my alters and I have learned to work as a team. The “disorder” is gone; my “dissociative identities” function as a healthy system again. Reluctance to let go of the past or the way my mind works best, I’m not sure fusion will ever be right for my System.
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