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disappointed in what T said

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Thank you all for your comments!!!
So the other day as I said I had a few clear moments when I realized why these things had affected me so much and it made a lot of sense.
Now I feel a bit detached from all that and a bit scared of my session.
I feel ashamed for having feel so hurt...if it’s so obvious that she only meant that I am not responsible for her feelings then I feel like of ashamed that I had such reaction :( I feel like I should hide so I don’t hurt anyone else with my useless “triggers” and also getting cold feet about talking about it in therapy tomorrow :(
based on my previous therapist that I saw for three years she thought I had a disorganized attachment, which is interesting as it’s not something that I feel in my closest relationships ie my husband
My therapist thinks that I am fragmented and a switch happens and I go from one state to the other ... but I feel like this is just justification for my bad behavior.
If I really mishear things so badly I feel like I should hide from society and be punished to “solitude”
But yes the whole invisible things is bigger than just a therapy session.... it goes back on and on to all my life... I truly believed I was invisible... after three years of working with my previous therapist I still didn’t know if she even remembered me or my name between sessions...
It’s fine to be invisible I guess... it just hurts to get my hopes up.
But like you guys are saying maybe she didn’t even mean that at all
Lastly, yes to feeling this sense of control over feeling that if I just am perfect the other people won’t be mad and bad things will not happen. Maybe I was feeling many things at once...invisibility and sense of loss of control.
Now how to get over the shame and discuss it tomorrow? I haven’t seen this therapist for that long even, but we re meeting twice a week so the work is going faster.!
 
I totally relate to those feelings of such awkwardness in bringing it up with T. I find it totally humiliating. It makes me feel infantile compared to my T's consistent composure. But......those feelings hold us back.
It won't be as bad as you think. I really suspect your T is expecting it. Last time I raised something like this with my T, her manner in how she immediately responded to it made me think she was expecting it and had thought through how to respond and manage it. That made me feel better.
Everyone says that it is these moments where growth happens.
You could always start the conversation by letting her know how you feel about starting the conversation?
 
Regarding attachment style - it’s totally possible for a disorganised attacher to develop secure attachments. In fact - it’s an aim of therapy to get us to a place when all our attachments are secure . I too see myself as a disorganised with secure attachment. it’s much more difficult for me to securely attach with people who aren’t primarily secure attachment style though.

Like most things - these are groupings made for clear definition and recognition , but we are human - we have overlap .
 
The best thing my therapist said to me about feeling so much shame after a session was at some point (implicit memory in the body) I was reduced to an object or nothing when I showed hurt. It feels to me perhaps you were shown to be invisible when you expressed hurt or any emotion as a child and that is where the shame is coming from not that you are ashamed expressing a feeling today. First time in my life, I found a therapist that straight out asks so what was that about yesterday! I love it! and all I say usually was well I feel better than last time...or something to that affect and the ball starts to roll. I hope you feel better and get more clarity and I hope your therapist is connected to you and feels your hesitance and helps you along healing in this area.

Personally, though I do believe attachment theory as a guideline and take it with a grain of salt. It is good to know what your attachment was as a child as it may help or hinder in therapy but I truly believe the whole thing is spectrum and every human goes through all at one point in their lives. To say you have secure attachment and never experience any other form is like OK dude did you move out of your own mother's basement yet? Cause every single relationship, if we are to grow and learn, would challenge us in our attachment regardless of how we formed. It is how we roll with it most of the time that is more important than how we were formed as infant without any responsibility or autonomy. Even secure attached people get divorced, and one may wonder well how did that happened, cause there was another person and things get dicey between people. There is no 100% certainty in life...

That being said, if you are married, and often in decent relationship wise, you are probably sometimes secured and other times disorganized. It is really not zero sum game here. If this was so formulic, someone would have made millions already putting the right secured people together forever and all of us, unsecured would be put in a prison or island ....?

I think you are human without a lot of different parts, fragmented or not, you are the one who is hurt, noticing hurt, invisible, noticing the invisibility, secured with your husband and maybe disorganized now and then or often....this is normal. You are not a stone and static. You are a full human with all the emotions - good and bad - all emotions are beautiful and what gives us the art and the creative side of us and makes us unique and move us along the horizon.

Please go easy on you and hope you find a relief soon.
 
Thank you all. @grit i had missed this beautiful response. I was feeling very down and depressed tonight so sometimes I go back to my old threads to re read the words of encouragement and feel a little less alone. Thank you
 
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