Disgusting Impulses Freaking Me Out!

[Hikob]

I am fighting so hard right not to act on bad impulses, and do stuff to my self that would make me feel so ashamed, so disgusting and so bad I would get even worse impulses(like impulses to hurt my self physically real badly). I was triggered the other day and this insane drive inside to do this bad stuff to my self came over me and I lost control. I can hardly even write about it without losing control over the self hate. Am so scared it will do so again, and the impulses are strong!

I'm a survivor of both a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse throughout my whole life. I'm processing some bad sexual abuse from my childhood right now, from the age of ten and a couple of years after that. During this time of my life my obsession with 'sex' got even worse(I remember being obsessed even before that age, but it grew in intensity during this time), and I masturbated obsessively whenever I got the chance to do so. :( It involved using objects on my self, and the bigger the better. Sometimes I even made my self bleed and hurt in a similar way to how I used to hurt after the rapes. (Guess that's the obsession: to cause my self damage and pain.) :sick: :yuck: :bag: I continued to act on this behavior until I was 13-14 years old, when I came to a point of wanting to kill my self, and forced my self to stop. Then I only had relapses into this behavior on/off during the teenage years, but then after more abuse as and young adult the behavior started over again.

I always fought this urge inside to act on these impulses(they were also tied to fantasies about violent sex), since they made me feel so disgusting. But eventually I was abusing sex daily, and had a partner that helped me do so, and was on a road to hell. It nearly killed me and I crossed so many of my own moral boundaries in the end. (Always only abusing my self, I never wanted to abuse anyone else, but I drank and had sex in situations and with people I really didn't want to have sex with.)

I finally managed to break this behavior/addiction, and sought and found some help with my anxiety. But then I still acted out on the PTSD of course and was in bad relationships, and then I was raped again and finally got diagnosed and help for my PTSD.

This has not been an issue for some years now, I haven't had these impulses much at all. And I have felt so relieved. Of course I have other bad impulses on/off, but not these. And these are the worst! But then the other day I just lost it and acted out! Not in the worst possible way(which could cost me my life); but it still was a relapse and I feel so sick to my stomach now! And so disgusted! And so scared, because now the impulses are even stronger!!

Not sure why I'm writing. Am scared shitless and hate this shit. And hate the sexual impulses and want them to go away. I really, really can't talk to anyone about this. It's too gross. My therapist know I used to act on this behavior, but haven't had the urge to do so in some years now. I really can't tell him they have come back and that I have relapsed. (Besides he is on a holiday right now so I can't talk to him for some time anyway.)

Am fighting the impulses, and sometimes it feels as if it would be better to hurt my self physically in non-sexual ways instead, since that would not make me feel so disgusted and panicked as these impulses make me feel. I really don't understand why they have come back! Or why they are so insanely strong! Even now when I'm not touching my self or acting on it it's like my body is replaying the whole thing over and over again and I get physically excited= which make me want to puke out of disgust. I really, really don't know what to do. I just want it to stop!!

 

[Onaz]

Oh believe me, I feel your pain! I have sexual acting out issues that I just can't seem to shed no matter how hard I try. I'm a shut-in because I can't control my urges and as soon as I'm triggered, I go into a different world altogether, where I can feel pleasure instead of the sheer terror and shame being me bring.

n the eyes of the general public, I'm just a perverted joke of a sub-human being, but that's a simplistic view of who I really am and of course nobody takes into account my mental issues, my severe PTSD, the fact that I was raped, etc.

To me, you aren't to be classified as just a perverted person at all either. People like me and you do these things for a reason and until we understand the motivations and all the factors at play, we won't be able to change our lives for the better.

In my case, I've come to see that I do this and other destructive things out of fear (trying to "scare" or "shock" others into leaving me alone, subconsciously), out of PAIN that I seem to feel all over my body (and the self-pleasuring is just a way to numb it or distract from it, or to just feel something good for a change, instead of the constant agony), or I use the pleasuring as a reward too, for times when I feel good, and also use it a self-destructive technique, cause I do feel so guilty after doing it .

So yeah, I suggest you start taking a very hard and HONEST look at yourself, start asking yourself, "what do I really feel and think before, during and after an episode of this sexual self-abuse?". If you are able to see your own actions objectively, you will find the real motivations behind them. You'll find the truth within you and as cliché as this will sound, that truth will set you free. Stay strong and never give up!

 

[Kuru]

I think is probably more common in abuse survivors than we think, but because it is so difficult to talk about, we feel so very alone with it.

I don't have answers, but you are not alone.

 

[Hecuka]

Truly feel for you OP.

I really think you need to talk open and honestly with your T when they return - and I think you know that needs to happen - how else will you heal from this? If you can't mange this on your own, you need yr T to help you. You won't be alone in what you're doing - it's not that uncommon, and your T will have come across it before and will be in the best position to be able to help you.

Are there any coping skills you can post here and commit to using instead? Distractions?

 

[Ozasu]

Really feeling for everyone on this thread. I think it is quite common in survivors but there's huge shame surrounding the issue. Like I will only hold my hand up to this behaviour anonymously

 

[Janah]

(OP here. ) Thank you so much for your responses! Am too ashamed to even dare to write much about this here. Scared of being recognized..

My therapist know one ounce of this, and found a way to let him know I'm struggling with it, so he found some time and we talked. And I managed to say something vague which made him figure out more(enough). I am calmer after that. I'm coping a bit better, and have not acted out since my relapse. I know now what triggered this, and am dealing with it at the best of my ability. The body is not acting on it's own as much, and thé pain lessened(and also to relapse wasn't as bad as it could have been), but I partly just flee into keeping busy instead of feeling. Guess that's my best coping strategy right now.. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry others also struggle with this. It's really hard! :(

 

[Pubah]

(OP again) to 'Onaz': I don't know what I feel or think before acting out. It's like being I'm a robot when it starts, so I gather I'm pretty 'gone' and heavily dissociated just before and during. Sometimes I might be also having flashbacks when this happens. Not sure. But I do know now what the trigger was.

Thank you for asking good questions and the validation. I guess my therapist will ask them over and over again until we figure it out.. :rolleyes: :meh: But until then, until he is back, I will work hard on just resisting the impulses and staying safe.

 

[Owug]

Ozasu here. Yes I am pretty much 'gone' as the OP put it as well. The robotic feeling is familiar also. I tend to start 'it' and then have the flashbacks. I feel disgusting. Not yet worked out what the trigger(s) are though.

 

[Fori]

Much compassion for all who are acting out in this way. It's not your fault. Society doesn't understand but you aren't 'perverts' just human beings who endured terrible abuse and this is how it is manifesting as a result. Not your fault at all.