Next level sex/body disgust...

[Pandemo]

Hey, 1st post here.
I think that I've a "next level" sex disgust. I like watching porn, a lot tbh, and feel that I'd be happy to get involved.
But since I have real disgust for me and my body, it's almost has if anyone who would like to have sex with me seems disgusting. So I'm ok watching a hot girl having sex with a stranger (=> porn) but would hate the feeling that someone is attracted by me.
I had quite a few very bad experience with girl in my teenage, getting repealed and mocked a few time by both girls and guys.
I hate when someone call me "attractive" (didn't happen a lot of time, and never in my teenage/early adulthood), I feel they are crazy and that there is no reason to say that.
I probably have some kind of dysmorphophobia, having quite a warped self-image: I hate seing me in mirror, in picture, when I enter a room, I feel like everybody is watching me and thinking I'm ugly.
Time passing, even if I liked watching porn, the feeling that something was wrong with having sex build up and can't really believe women really like it. Which would mean that any girl who would like to have sex with me would only do it to please me and still be disgusted by it.
I have low confidence in ppl in general, probably because I was betrayed, abandoned, emotional abused by my parents and bullied in school during all my childhood and teenage.
I have the feeling I worth nothing and that I'm "out of the world" and have no reason to interact with it or get involved with anything happening. This include building emotional relationships, getting known by new ppl and possibly having sex with anyone.
I'm a 42 yo hetero male.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Welcome Pandemo,

Someone might describe me in a similar way, correct on some things utterly wrong on many others. Myself I've been isolated and treated badly for a long time, it affects your confidence and self image.

Try to do more, physically, mentally, talk to women, be honest with yourself and others. Lots of nice women out there in all sorts of work and places. Talk to the right ones or nice people in general. You might find your image changing and feel more confident in yourself.

You will have bad interactions, you will misunderstand, try to be honest and ask questions.

Both sexes enjoy all sorts, unfortunately porn is not a good example of anything, it can help you at times, but is not a replacement.

Attempt to stay away from negativity in general, your own and others. In time with some peace, quiet and nice people you'll feel different.

 

[arfie]

hello pandemo. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

since I have real disgust for me and my body, it's almost has if anyone who would like to have sex with me seems disgusting.

in my own case, this phenom goes WAAAAY beyond sex into every aspect of my human interactions. if a total stranger compliments me on anything, i judge them as disgusting, unworthy creatures. how could a healthy human like anything about broken, throwaway me? get away from me, you freakasaurus! ! ! there have been times when i have questioned the sanity of my donkeys for the crime of wanting my attention. insert ass joke here.

in my 20th century psychotherapy we labeled this sticky, icky psycho snot knot as, "low self-esteem." getting past my self-loathing went a long way toward finding appreciation and trust that i am worthy of love and even admiration.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @pandemo I eventually came to the conclusion that when having negative thoughts about myself or others, was that until you feel confident about yourself and others, it's best to just try to make friends with people. Alot of people get into relationships with people when they're quite insecure themselves and in all honesty they're not ready to be in a relationship.
I used to be overly concerned with finding a sexual partner, however I didn't have friends. To me now, friends last longer and are in some ways more important.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Hi @pandemo I eventually came to the conclusion that when having negative thoughts about myself or others, was that until you feel confident about yourself and others, it's best to just try to make friends with people. Alot of people get into relationships with people when they're quite insecure themselves and in all honesty they're not ready to be in a relationship.
I used to be overly concerned with finding a sexual partner, however I didn't have friends. To me now, friends last longer and are in some ways more important.

I support that. It's what I have been trying to do, said better than me!

 

[Rose White]

@pandemo thank you for creating this topic. I don’t know what Toney’s right now but I hope it can continue for a while. There’s a lot to work with here and I find myself thinking about it in relation to my own journey. Hoping I can come back and write more later when the words come.

 

[Rose White]

Fantasy rituals are difficult to challenge! They are familiar, repetitive, and soothing. I think you talking about it is a good step, just being able to look at it takes bravery.