NightSky
Gold Member
I’ve had a new therapist for the last year who has been far more trained and equipped to help me, coming out of ten years with a therapist who wasn’t, and who crossed so many boundaries, and caused so much attachment related distress..
I’ve just had my first major rupture with this therapist. She did nothing wrong. But I’m trying to understand my reaction and how to move forward or I guess just wondering if others have experienced anything similar.
My T encourages email. I have a dissociative disorder, and a part of me that attends therapy sessions very well put together. I don’t usually express emotions. I struggle to connect with the work because it feels like I’m going through the motions. Then I leave, and everything starts to unravel. I have thoughts and feelings I can’t access with another person present. So I do email, not excessively. Maybe once a week if that. Sometimes she will respond with messages that are lengthy and break up what I’m saying into parts language, and offers tools or insight. Sometimes she’ll write a short paragraph. I always tell her I don’t expect any length of response but of course they’re always welcome and helpful when she does it. Sometimes she responds the same day. Sometimes she texts me that she got it and will respond asap, and she’ll email one or two days later. It’s not often that she doesn’t respond at all.. maybe a couple of times. But she’ll bring the email up in session and we talk about it.
This past week I emailed after a session and it was definitely a more vulnerable message than usual. And she texted that she got it and would respond. But she didn’t. And throughout the week we were texting to arrange a time for our second session and I could tell by her tone something was off. Her texts were each spaced out by a day, so we kept missing times that we could meet. (We have a set day; and then a second session whenever she has an opening that week). I found myself getting really uneasy, because I was feeling super exposed after the email and then not knowing when I would see her. By the time I did get in to see her, I had sent her a second short email asking her to not bring up the contents of the other message in person, and that I was feeling really conflicted and confused by a reaction to her I was having.
When I did finally get in to see her yesterday morning,she said she did have something going on. And she was really surprised I had picked up on that. But her energy was so clearly different, to me. I felt really afraid of her. Cried the entire time which I’ve never done. Wanted to take myself off of her caseload because how can I talk about my stuff knowing she has something hard going on?
My old therapist would have told me as soon as I walked in what was happening with her and I would have shifted into caretaker mode. This T won’t do that. (Which is good)
She said my reaction is a younger attachment wound. It’s not about her. And I believe her. But I feel so afraid of her now? I’m afraid something may have to make her leave. I’m unsure of how to talk about anything because it doesn’t feel important.
She kept telling she’s still herself but I can’t feel it or see it. And I’m so confused by this..
With all of my other relationships I have pretty avoidant attachment. But with therapists it seems I have disorganized attachment and it feels so maddening and confusing. And other than doing away with email, which has felt like a really important part of our work, I don’t know how to be flexible with whatever responses I get, including no response- even if adult me completely understands it and does not expect anything. It’s like if there’s no acknowledgement or no sense of connection after reaching out, I feel too exposed.
Thank you if you’ve read this far.
I’ve just had my first major rupture with this therapist. She did nothing wrong. But I’m trying to understand my reaction and how to move forward or I guess just wondering if others have experienced anything similar.
My T encourages email. I have a dissociative disorder, and a part of me that attends therapy sessions very well put together. I don’t usually express emotions. I struggle to connect with the work because it feels like I’m going through the motions. Then I leave, and everything starts to unravel. I have thoughts and feelings I can’t access with another person present. So I do email, not excessively. Maybe once a week if that. Sometimes she will respond with messages that are lengthy and break up what I’m saying into parts language, and offers tools or insight. Sometimes she’ll write a short paragraph. I always tell her I don’t expect any length of response but of course they’re always welcome and helpful when she does it. Sometimes she responds the same day. Sometimes she texts me that she got it and will respond asap, and she’ll email one or two days later. It’s not often that she doesn’t respond at all.. maybe a couple of times. But she’ll bring the email up in session and we talk about it.
This past week I emailed after a session and it was definitely a more vulnerable message than usual. And she texted that she got it and would respond. But she didn’t. And throughout the week we were texting to arrange a time for our second session and I could tell by her tone something was off. Her texts were each spaced out by a day, so we kept missing times that we could meet. (We have a set day; and then a second session whenever she has an opening that week). I found myself getting really uneasy, because I was feeling super exposed after the email and then not knowing when I would see her. By the time I did get in to see her, I had sent her a second short email asking her to not bring up the contents of the other message in person, and that I was feeling really conflicted and confused by a reaction to her I was having.
When I did finally get in to see her yesterday morning,she said she did have something going on. And she was really surprised I had picked up on that. But her energy was so clearly different, to me. I felt really afraid of her. Cried the entire time which I’ve never done. Wanted to take myself off of her caseload because how can I talk about my stuff knowing she has something hard going on?
My old therapist would have told me as soon as I walked in what was happening with her and I would have shifted into caretaker mode. This T won’t do that. (Which is good)
She said my reaction is a younger attachment wound. It’s not about her. And I believe her. But I feel so afraid of her now? I’m afraid something may have to make her leave. I’m unsure of how to talk about anything because it doesn’t feel important.
She kept telling she’s still herself but I can’t feel it or see it. And I’m so confused by this..
With all of my other relationships I have pretty avoidant attachment. But with therapists it seems I have disorganized attachment and it feels so maddening and confusing. And other than doing away with email, which has felt like a really important part of our work, I don’t know how to be flexible with whatever responses I get, including no response- even if adult me completely understands it and does not expect anything. It’s like if there’s no acknowledgement or no sense of connection after reaching out, I feel too exposed.
Thank you if you’ve read this far.
