Therapist attachment

[NightSky]

I’ve posted before about therapist attachment issues. In regular life I have an avoidant attachment style. With my T it’s completely disorganized. I trust her. I believe she deserves time off. She goes out of her way for me and I feel very cared about in the relationship. I feel secure with her generally (I don’t feel like I need her between sessions like I used to). But when she tells me plans of going away, if it’s more than a week, I lose my mind. I get tunnel vision. I feel very angry. Self destructive. Cannot get out of her office fast enough and cannot talk to or look at her. It’s as if she becomes someone else. I feel so threatened by her. And a wall goes up that takes so long for me to lower after she returns. I really want to work on this. It’s so out of character for me. I feel like I have no control in the moment. Does anyone have helpful resources regarding whatever this is? Attachment/emotional flashback/ I have no idea. But I feel terrible about it because she’s so kind and I feel like I turn mean. I can’t process it with her because of how I feel toward her when I’m in it.

 

[Charbella]

Why don’t you talk to her when your not in the wake of it?

For me if I can find what it links to my extreme behavior it becomes less extreme. The first time my T went out of town I had a similar experience, the root was multilayered and therefore it continued for a long time. I still have an internal freak out but it doesn’t leek into my sessions, unless there’s more at play.

I had issues with a therapist where he’d say he scheduled something and didn’t then he’d say that’s not what he said. It happened often enough I felt so on edge so the first time new T had to go out of town my head exploded. We talked it through which is when I identified it and I felt better about him leaving. The next time I thought okay I got this, but nope same problem. I discussed it with T and we figured out it had to do with how my childhood ran and how things were always changing and I never felt like the priority. My mom was always late and I often had to defend her to friends and their parents. It seemed like everytime he left that first year I was peeling back a new insight as to way I am so fixated on schedules and keeping them…down to the minute.

I will say mine still has contact when he goes out of town for more than just the weekend. We’ve done phone sessions and sometimes email checkins and times when he’s gone for a week and I’ve been fine. But that was another layer of the onion, when he offered it I had such self loathing for needing anyone and yet my SI was such that I really did and there was no getting around that I did.

Maybe as a bridge while you’re peeling back the layers and trying to find the root you can ask her to compose an email at the end of your session and set it to send to you on the day you normally have a session, you know to appease whatever part of you is struggling. She can write it as part of your session so that it’s not time out of her vacation.

 

[Skywatcher]

I’m doing much better with this, but I still hate it. Long ago, we did a thing where she would write me a card and give it to me the appointment before she left. I treasure those cards. 15 of them! She even wrote me 2 cards for when she was gone two weeks. The cards said inspirational things and encouragement to take care of myself. We stopped cards last year. One day, She told me that I should try going without because it isn’t sustainable. She said it was up to me on when. I did one more card and then stopped. She actually timed that pretty well because I had already found myself not needing the cards anymore. This is a nice memory. We had a rupture recently and this is a good reminder of who she can be.

 

[Rose White]

It’s so out of character for me. I feel like I have no control in the moment. Does anyone have helpful resources regarding whatever this is? Attachment/emotional flashback/ I have no idea.

It sounds like a child part having a tantrum that the caregiver (T is the substitute caregiver) is their own person. A child part would be very out of character for the adult part who has to drive and pay bills and since it’s coming from inside it can feel like it’s out of your control. A child’s tantrum can be bewildering for an adult to deal with—there’s a sense of “What’s wrong with you and why can’t you just calm down?” Sound familiar? I’m guessing you were forbidden from having some emotional needs met (due to dysfunctional caregiver dynamics or medical trauma or abuse or??)

So what to do? Frankly I’m surprised this hasn’t come up in the 8 years you’ve been working with T! How does T help you soothe when you regress in session? Ask you to breathe, look around, notice something? Distract you by asking about things that seem irrelevant?

These are ways that a T might model for you to do that for yourself. Basically reparenting. And you have to parent that child part of you who wants to scream and kick on the floor when the caregiver leaves the room, so to speak.

For me I found it best to baby myself!! Naps, blankets, warm milk, gentle shows like Totoro and the animated version of The Hobbit. Paint, dig in the dirt, go somewhere that I wanted to as a kid. And repeatedly tell myself that I was ok and T was coming back.

Basically distraction and self-soothing. Which can feel humiliating to the ego. But is a powerful way to integrate the exile.

 

[brokenpony]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I definitely didn’t feel my therapist was milking anything. It was an elderly FIL who had been sick for a long time. And she does take many vacations a year. (As in, from april-July she will have been gone for 5 weeks total). She does not think this is a lot. Some months are more regular. But she very routinely leaves the country for 1-2 weeks. And also cancels for life stuff. I’ll create a diff post for this but I’m realizing the issue is me. I just don’t know how to fix it. It comes across like I forget she’s human but I don’t.

i feel like you didn’t provide this context from your other comment, that T routinely leaves on vacations for 1-2 weeks and is gone 5 weeks total from april-july. this seems a lot of time away from your description and would be disruptive for me in my healing, as well as aggravate attachment wounds in me also.

so i don’t know. maybe you need more consistency in the relationship and that is not entirely pathological, even if you are responding in an unhealthy way? i think it is okay to need that in trauma therapy (even without attachment trauma), where you are constantly opening wounds and left to tend to them between sessions on your own. a lot of time between sessions, constantly, can interrupt the process so i guess it depends on where you’re at in trauma processing.

truthfully….. i don’t think therapists who work with complex trauma should be taking many vacations due to the severely dysregulating nature of the work and level of client acuity; if they want the freedom to take a lot of time off, then i feel like they should choose a different treatment interest.

but if you feel like this T is worth it, i think working through this will entail a very honest acceptance that this is how she practices and that this is the compromise you make to work with her, that she will take a lot of time off. i think you accept this on the surface but a “younger” place inside you is not as accepting and feels hurt. but you also need her help with feeling hurt. it’s really not ideal if you have complex attachment trauma that is routinely being triggered by the therapist but not addressed, constant rupture without repair.

as for what is happening, i think you’re probably experiencing turbulent transference in your attachment, in that T leaving constantly (making you feel abandoned, uncared for, unimportant, or whatever you feel) is reminding you of someone and how they made you feel as a child, likely an inconsistent and/or abusive parent. some childhood pattern is being re-enacted due to the particular ways you relate to her (maternal it seems). maybe you feel like you can’t settle into the relationship and feel totally safe, because she is so often leaving, and to protect yourself, you wall off from her. it seems also like a bit of “splitting” is happening here because she suddenly grows threatening when she is normally feeling safe.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm echoing everyone else here that god yes this is a recognisable feeling.

Have you looked at transitional objects to soothe younger parts who are seeking connection? My old T recorded a voice note of her reading the Velveteen Rabbit, and gave me her blanket from the office to wrap round me. Very tactile, sensory stuff that reached where it needed too. I've known other people take pebbles to write on, or pictures, items of comfort from the therapy space as a tangible link between you and T when they're not there.

Like @Charbella and @Skywatcher written stuff really helped too. (I love the cards, that's amazing !)

But there is a big difference between going away for a holiday for a week or two and going on many periods of leave/ breaks. I think that's really hard to maintain connection and stability in, no matter how many bridges.

 

[NightSky]

i feel like you didn’t provide this context from your other comment, that T routinely leaves on vacations for 1-2 weeks and is gone 5 weeks total from april-july. this seems a lot of time away from your description and would be disruptive for me in my healing, as well as aggravate attachment wounds in me also.

so i don’t know. maybe you need more consistency in the relationship and that is not entirely pathological, even if you are responding in an unhealthy way? i think it is okay to need that in trauma therapy (even without attachment trauma), where you are constantly opening wounds and left to tend to them between sessions on your own. a lot of time between sessions, constantly, can interrupt the process so i guess it depends on where you’re at in trauma processing.

truthfully….. i don’t think therapists who work with complex trauma should be taking many vacations due to the severely dysregulating nature of the work and level of client acuity; if they want the freedom to take a lot of time off, then i feel like they should choose a different treatment interest.

but if you feel like this T is worth it, i think working through this will entail a very honest acceptance that this is how she practices and that this is the compromise you make to work with her, that she will take a lot of time off. i think you accept this on the surface but a “younger” place inside you is not as accepting and feels hurt. but you also need her help with feeling hurt. it’s really not ideal if you have complex attachment trauma that is routinely being triggered by the therapist but not addressed, constant rupture without repair.

as for what is happening, i think you’re probably experiencing turbulent transference in your attachment, in that T leaving constantly (making you feel abandoned, uncared for, unimportant, or whatever you feel) is reminding you of someone and how they made you feel as a child, likely an inconsistent and/or abusive parent. some childhood pattern is being re-enacted due to the particular ways you relate to her (maternal it seems). maybe you feel like you can’t settle into the relationship and feel totally safe, because she is so often leaving, and to protect yourself, you wall off from her. it seems also like a bit of “splitting” is happening here because she suddenly grows threatening when she is normally feeling safe.

This time I did say to her that it’s a lot of time away. She said it is not, especially for the summer. I have no context except that my previous T I saw for two years and she didn’t miss one session.
We have had this conversation a lot of times. I get better. And then I get worse. Last time she did this is what in the fall with her three week leave and then a week away right after that. She said this is part of how she takes care of herself. She is always available. She texts and emails. She would do the phone. She’s extremely responsive even when away. I never abuse that, or even use it, when she’s away. But I know it’s there.
It does feel disruptive to my healing. But I also have come so far with her and feel so invested.
But it’s not even that I mind missing sessions at this point. I do fine when she actually leaves now. It’s just the initial finding out.

 

[Rose White]

She is always available. She texts and emails. She would do the phone. She’s extremely responsive even when away. I never abuse that, or even use it,

I wonder if you did allow yourself to use it that that part of you wouldn’t be so angry when it found out. Using that opportunity isn’t even close to the same thing as abusing it.

 

[NightSky]

It sounds like a child part having a tantrum that the caregiver (T is the substitute caregiver) is their own person. A child part would be very out of character for the adult part who has to drive and pay bills and since it’s coming from inside it can feel like it’s out of your control. A child’s tantrum can be bewildering for an adult to deal with—there’s a sense of “What’s wrong with you and why can’t you just calm down?” Sound familiar? I’m guessing you were forbidden from having some emotional needs met (due to dysfunctional caregiver dynamics or medical trauma or abuse or??)

So what to do? Frankly I’m surprised this hasn’t come up in the 8 years you’ve been working with T! How does T help you soothe when you regress in session? Ask you to breathe, look around, notice something? Distract you by asking about things that seem irrelevant?

These are ways that a T might model for you to do that for yourself. Basically reparenting. And you have to parent that child part of you who wants to scream and kick on the floor when the caregiver leaves the room, so to speak.

For me I found it best to baby myself!! Naps, blankets, warm milk, gentle shows like Totoro and the animated version of The Hobbit. Paint, dig in the dirt, go somewhere that I wanted to as a kid. And repeatedly tell myself that I was ok and T was coming back.

Basically distraction and self-soothing. Which can feel humiliating to the ego. But is a powerful way to integrate the exile.

Oh it has come up. And we work through it. And then it happens again. I don’t regress in session much except for this. And I don’t think she can help me because I frankly can’t hear her or trust her or look at her in that moment. :(

 

[Charbella]

Oh it has come up. And we work through it. And then it happens again. I don’t regress in session much except for this. And I don’t think she can help me because I frankly can’t hear her or trust her or look at her in that moment. :(

Have you done any work on what might be behind it?

 

[NightSky]

I wonder if you did allow yourself to use it that that part of you wouldn’t be so angry when it found out. Using that opportunity isn’t even close to the same thing as abusing it.

i feel like you didn’t provide this context from your other comment, that T routinely leaves on vacations for 1-2 weeks and is gone 5 weeks total from april-july. this seems a lot of time away from your description and would be disruptive for me in my healing, as well as aggravate attachment wounds in me also.

so i don’t know. maybe you need more consistency in the relationship and that is not entirely pathological, even if you are responding in an unhealthy way? i think it is okay to need that in trauma therapy (even without attachment trauma), where you are constantly opening wounds and left to tend to them between sessions on your own. a lot of time between sessions, constantly, can interrupt the process so i guess it depends on where you’re at in trauma processing.

truthfully….. i don’t think therapists who work with complex trauma should be taking many vacations due to the severely dysregulating nature of the work and level of client acuity; if they want the freedom to take a lot of time off, then i feel like they should choose a different treatment interest.

but if you feel like this T is worth it, i think working through this will entail a very honest acceptance that this is how she practices and that this is the compromise you make to work with her, that she will take a lot of time off. i think you accept this on the surface but a “younger” place inside you is not as accepting and feels hurt. but you also need her help with feeling hurt. it’s really not ideal if you have complex attachment trauma that is routinely being triggered by the therapist but not addressed, constant rupture without repair.

as for what is happening, i think you’re probably experiencing turbulent transference in your attachment, in that T leaving constantly (making you feel abandoned, uncared for, unimportant, or whatever you feel) is reminding you of someone and how they made you feel as a child, likely an inconsistent and/or abusive parent. some childhood pattern is being re-enacted due to the particular ways you relate to her (maternal it seems). maybe you feel like you can’t settle into the relationship and feel totally safe, because she is so often leaving, and to protect yourself, you wall off from her. it seems also like a bit of “splitting” is happening here because she suddenly grows threatening when she is normally feeling safe.

Yes this is all exactly it.

Have you done any work on what might be behind it?

we basically think I have a part that feels abandoned and so she reassures me that she’s not abandoning me. (Emotional neglect/abuse in my past) but now she’s starting to get a little defensive about it and say she won’t feel guilty for taking time off. This time we had more of a rupture because she tried to get me to talk and I wouldn’t because I am not trying to make her feel guilty. But in some level she must and I think there’s some counter transference going on. :(

 

[Rose White]

Sounds like you have a good understanding of it.

she reassures me that she’s not abandoning me

How do you reassure your self and your small parts that she’s not abandoning you?