Therapist attachment

[NightSky]

Sounds like you have a good understanding of it.

How do you reassure your self and your small parts that she’s not abandoning you?

I think that’s what I’m stuck on. I don’t know how. Because logically I know she’s not. But internally I’m a mess and parts of me definitely want to just terminate with her.

 

[Friday]

How do you reassure your self and your small parts that she’s not abandoning you?

Ditto… How do you reassure yourself & small parts you are not abandoning others?

 

[NightSky]

Ditto… How do you reassure yourself & small parts you are not abandoning others?

I am on week three of not seeing her (one week my vacation) butting up against a two week vacation for her. This has been a very hard month with a lot of challenging things in my life (a fallout with my parents, two of my three kids struggling with ocd, a job transition for my husband, a massive sa trigger with my husband..) and I’m wondering how I can tell that I just need more support vs is it just about reassuring my small parts that she’s hasn’t abandoned me.
Because of my disorganized attachment I don’t even feel a need to see her or talk to her about anything. I’d rather not. That is the danger in her constant time off. I have to then work on lowering my walls again and it’s exhausting.
I’m learning to lean more on my friends.
So how do I discern if it’s time to make a change and look for a t who doesn’t go away as often (a thought that makes me so sad and scared because I’ve been with her 9 years and am very attached) or if I find a way to work through this with her?

 

[Midnightmoon]

I am on week three of not seeing her (one week my vacation) butting up against a two week vacation for her. This has been a very hard month with a lot of challenging things in my life

How are you managing @NightSky? I'm hoping you've got through another week and giving yourself some gentle compassion for all the *urgh" this is bringing up for you to manage.

So how do I discern if it’s time to make a change and look for a t who doesn’t go away as often (a thought that makes me so sad and scared because I’ve been with her 9 years and am very attached) or if I find a way to work through this with her?

Is a secondary support person an option? If you don't want to leave current T (very understandable) but you are struggling with lots of leave periods (also very understandable) could someone else be added to your 'support team's to give you a bit of a safe base for the times she isn't around? I learnt the hard way when my old T left that all my eggs in one basket left me very very vulnerable. I have no family support or friends either so, well, it was dodgy! I learnt to build a network (well, learning, I fight against it half the time because my fierce independence ramps up) of safer people to try and give me the help I needed without and all or nothing with one person. For me this was my OT and an equine charity support sessions but you could throw anything and everything into the mix.

 

[NightSky]

How are you managing @NightSky? I'm hoping you've got through another week and giving yourself some gentle compassion for all the *urgh" this is bringing up for you to manage.

Is a secondary support person an option? If you don't want to leave current T (very understandable) but you are struggling with lots of leave periods (also very understandable) could someone else be added to your 'support team's to give you a bit of a safe base for the times she isn't around? I learnt the hard way when my old T left that all my eggs in one basket left me very very vulnerable. I have no family support or friends either so, well, it was dodgy! I learnt to build a network (well, learning, I fight against it half the time because my fierce independence ramps up) of safer people to try and give me the help I needed without and all or nothing with one person. For me this was my OT and an equine charity support sessions but you could throw anything and everything into the mix.

Thank you. We had our first session since she got back last week and had a really honest conversation about what I need and how I’m feeling about her frequent time off. I have a really good support system. Family, friends, work. I haven’t been leaning on them enough because I’m so avoidant. And I’m going to try to be better at that while also doing parts work with my T helping me help the one very specific part that I think gets triggered when she leaves.

 

[alwaysafugitive]

Hey there. I know this post is a few months old, but I just found this board, and came across this post because I was looking for situations similar to mine. I can relate very much to this. My T just went away for 3 weeks, but promised he would see me online throughout this time. The first week, he did. Then he cancelled the second session we had planned, but promised he'd see me the following week. By the Wednesday of the following week, he wrote to apologise for his radio silence, but said we could see each other on the Friday. On the Friday, he messaged to say it wasn't possible, unless I really, really needed him, in which case, he'd try to find a way. Otherwise, he'd just see me a week later when he was back. I had been so, so looking forward to that session, and had been saving up a lot to talk about as a longer than length of time between sessions (I normally go twice a week, and now it was unexpectedly 2.5 weeks between sessions). He was on vacation with family, so there was no way I was going to make him "find a way" to see me, since it seemed so difficult.

What I wish is that he'd never made the promise to see me while he was gone in the first place. I even told him I didn't think he should see me while on vacation, but he insisted that he wanted to. Then he flaked out on it because... he should never have promised it in the first place. It was always crazy for him to plan on remote sessions while on vacation on the other side of the world.

As irrational as I know I'm being, this has really impacted my trust in him. Since he came back, he's been a bit flaky too (saying he will schedule a second session in the week, and then not getting back to me at all), cancelling once, etc.

When I read your post, I realize I also have a disorganised attachment, at least to him. I didn't know what that meant before. But I am really struggling. Right now, I'm waiting for him to call about our second session, and becoming more and more upset that he has not, in spite of saying he would days ago.

I guess I'm just here to say I relate, but I'd also love to know how things have gone for you since this happened to you in June? Did you have good conversations with your T about it? Have you moved on? Do you still have anxiety about this?

Thanks!

 

[Rose White]

he messaged to say it wasn't possible, unless I really, really needed him, in which case, he'd try to find a way

It sounds like you did really really need him and he offered this for you which was very kind of him, especially since he was on vacation.

He was on vacation with family, so there was no way I was going to make him "find a way"

Why are you protecting him from his own decisions? Can you not take his word at face value?