Dissasociation vs. feeling?

[WishfulThinking123]

Well for the past 3 weeks my disassociation has majorly decreased and I mostly "felt" a lot- with the flashbacks, and memories, and had actual sadness that would flood over me from people's unkind words. Whereas before I at least would have a few days each week where I would feel completely numb/disassociated from all of my trauma/people in general. It felt kind of intense and depressing and unbearable at times to feel like I have for the past few weeks. I kind of was wishing for the emotional numbness/disassociation to come back. However, today before therapy I was really nervous and didn't want to share with my therapist-just felt really closed off and wanted to disappear or run away because, the emotions I felt this week have been kind of intense. However, when therapy started I eventually disassociated which allowed me to talk about traumatic things but, really with no emotion and usually an odd smile or laugh when it's probably not normal for me to be doing either oh also can't forget that I was minimizing... So I guess my question is I know disassociation is supposedly something I am supposed to be working away from and towards feeling...however, feelings can seem so unbearable and unmanageable at times, at times it feels like not feeling is the better way to go. Can anyone just supply some encouragement I guess that eventually feeling isn't so scary and it gets better?

 

[Hooah84]

I've been working hard for about 3 months now with a new therapist, and she's pushing me big time to address my dissociation and start to actually "feel" things head on. I'll be the first to tell you, it sucks to have to face and feel the things that seemed to spin me out of control. BUT, day by day it is getting MUCH better! I've noticed as hard as it is to feel the emotions I've tried to suppress, the more I do it, the less I dissociate. AND the feelings don't seem to scare me as much anymore. Yes, it's painful and difficult, and it sometimes seems like I'm doing myself more harm. But I feel myself getting on the right track. Keep your head up and hang in there! We're all here for you!

 

[Muted]

All I know is that recovery truly is a rollercoaster. I've had dissociation also, but sometimes it feels like I'm in a trance and my parts are talking and working through stuff. I get numbness feels better and much easier sometimes, but it causes so much destruction and is more surviving than working through and truly living.

 

[Hooah84]

That old cliche "You have to go through hell to get to heaven" is so true. I try to tell myself every single day that it's worth it, and I'm gonna see that one day

 

[zoie33]

Sorry I cannot give words of encouragement but I am looking for the same thing. I've been going through some really hard memories lately and while I was making progress starting to feel things being or present I've started to slip down into permanent dissociation. My therapist tries to bring me back but sometimes I don't want to come back. It is so much easier to just stay in la la land and not have to feel the pain. For me I dissociate because of fear and all of the new memories and the reality of how bad things really are and how much work it's going to take to get to the other side is frankly terrifying. That fear is pushing me over the edge right now.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Thanks for the great replys-I was actually fearful that I wouldn't ever go back into the denial/dissociative state that I used to go into quite regularly. I know that sounds really odd but, it feels so comfortable to be "disassociated" from the past but, then of course that means disassociated from the present as well. Now, that I am back in this state of emotional numbness/disassociation I feel better/more comfortable. I just think about things logically and I am not an emotional mess. However...truth is I have barely any control over any of this. When I was told by my therapist over a month ago to just concentrate at safe times and "feel"-I would try and get nothing-literally couldn't do it even though I wanted to and then when the emotions came I was kind of screaming inside wondering if they would ever disappear and go back... Yes I agree Gia it does feel a little bit like a roller coaster...with a lot of back and forth pendulum swinging.. sigh