Dissociating At Work

[ericaboo]

I'm getting into some kind of downward spiral at work. I love my job, but I just feel totally dissociated at when I'm there. It's getting worse and worse. The more behind I get, the more I feel triggered.

I had some strategies that were working, but some of them just aren't working right now, and others, I think I've just plain forgotten. I feel totally spaced out.

I keep coming in, answering calls, dealing with people who come to my office and answering most emails. But when it comes to the actual projects on my desk - I just can't seem to even look at them.

Still - I feel like it's better to be here than stay home. I've heard that my staff is unproductive when I'm not here, and people make a lot of comments about my "never being here."

I'm going to have an extra therapy session this week, but I know he's going to ask me what I'm feeling when I'm at work and not doing anything. I'm out of touch with my feelings, and I just don't know. I don't think I feel anything.

I'm happier being here than at home, but if I lose my job, it's going to be a huge disaster for me. It's my boss' most busy time of year, so he needs me to get data and reports to him. This is not good.

Help... :confused:

 

[pathos]

I wish I knew how to help. Your therapist is probably your best bet. I've been doing this my entire life (well, since the trauma started) and only realized what was going on recently. I'd love advice too.

 

[Abstract]

Gosh Erica. I have been there and it isn't a nice place to be.

I hope something clicks into place for you and a change happens.

 

[ericaboo]

I just took a break, came back, and got two really easy tasks done. I'm still afraid to even look through my inbox, but maybe venting a little was helpful.

I read that writing things down has a different effect than talking about things - that it actually goes to/comes from a different part of your brain.

Thanks for the replies...

Any advice is much appreciated...

 

[Abstract]

I have tried so many things and done so much reading about this. A lot of what usually helps people seems to have the opposite effect on me. Eventually I did look at it like a freeze response and I think that is what it is for me. And so I try very hard to stop the self judgements and hatred and I work on Radical Acceptance (DBT) so that the pressure is lessoned whilst still trying to move forward.

The other things that helped a little were "The Pomodora Technique" (except I do much smaller time slots) and using "The Eighty Twenty Rule". A lot of people find CBT type approaches helpful though.

 

[Abrasky]

I used to dissacotiate a lot at work. I dissacotiate a lot let now due to 'linking memories' with psycodynamic therapy. It took a long time, 13 years.

Also I picked a job which relaxed me a bit, that was relatively simple. Sometimes the type of job can help.

It sounds like you find some of your job ok and other parts a bit triggering. Maybe try to work out why the ones that are hard are triggering with your therapist.

 

[ericaboo]

Thanks Abstract and Maze,

Those are some of the things I forgot about - especially radical acceptance.

It's weird. The work that's for the staff is fun for me, and I feel satisfaction getting it done for them. The stuff that's for my peers is threatening to me - I feel very judged and scrutinized.

Then there's the stuff my boss assigns - and I have a lot of respect for him, and feel a sense of self esteem and accomplishment in getting his stuff done.

Gee, it doesn't sound like I play well with my team, does it? That can't be pleasant for them... There's really just a few people that make me feel bullied, and make my presence at work scary for me. I know I am oversensitive about that sort of thing, but it's deeply ingrained. It's freezing me up badly.

Thanks for listening...

 

[Abstract]

There's really just a few people that make me feel bullied, and make my presence at work scary for me.

This is where I would start if I was you. There is no should and there are good reasons for your responses.

Do you have enough boundaries with them and what do you need to feel safer?

 

[lala]

I also have a difficult time functioning in social situations with perceived bullying. I am hyper-sensitive to that because of my past. I had 2 experiences with bullying in graduate school, a prof. and a fieldwork supervisor. Both caused my work to suffer, my attention to fail and I resorted to heavy drinking.

I agree with Abstract that this is a valid reason for the feelings you are having. Remember to validate your feelings and process. These feelings are a warning from your body that this situation feels dangerous. I have found working through these situations in their adult context can be helpful in resolving my old trauma.

I wish you a successful resolution. Given your description of your professional responsibilities, you sound like an accomplished adult. Remember the skills that have gotten you here and rely on them to help you through this.

 

[ericaboo]

Thanks lala :)

It was a lot easier to progress in my career when I had stuffed all my feelings. Now that I'm aware, it's a big change in my life, and I have to deal with things in a completely different way.

Hopefully you CAN teach an old dog new tricks...

 

[lala]

Since I unstuffed my emotions I still deal with things in the same way, with one important difference: I find first and foremost, I have to deal with my feelings about stuff. That is still difficult for me.

 

[Abstract]

It was a lot easier to progress in my career when I had stuffed all my feelings

I totally understand this. I liken it to being born and having to learn everything from scratch. I can now wobble(toddle) along and say the odd word developmentally speaking!

Agree with all Lala said and relate to much of it. I have come out of ten years of consecutive work bullying situations and I too am sensitive to bullying.