Dissociating, avoiding and less able to think when around ppl I am not comfortable with

[Teasel]

Glad to find your post here :) Hope you find it helpful and hope you find someone to talk to.
Much love ♡

 

[AnD]

Thank you, so much @grit
I have to read this several more times to be able to absorb it. It rings very true to me and it is nice that you encourage me to dive into my emotions and listen to my inner parts and their needs. I do it to some extent, but I think I second guess them often enough to cause a disruption in me.

I think I need to hear this over and over again, that I need to take myself seriously. I have a tendency to walk all over myself and then wonder why I feel so messed up.

And thanks for your support @berlinda

I got a reply from a deacon. It freaks me out. I am not ready to talk to anyone yet. I don't trust them. I don't feel safe and I might destroy myself again if I open up.

 

[MyWillow]

You don’t have to talk about EVERYTHING @AnD :hug:

You could just say “I’m struggling. I need support. That is all.”

 

[AnD]

You don’t have to talk about EVERYTHING @AnD :hug:

You could just say “I’m struggling. I need support. That is all.”

I hear you, yet I don't understand. Can you explain? I feel a bit stupid, but I have to ask. How?

 

[MyWillow]

I hear you, yet I don't understand. Can you explain? I feel a bit stupid, but I have to ask. How?

You might not feel it but you’re very bright :hug:

What I mean is, disclosure is not black and white. It’s not all or nothing. Healthy boundaries allow you to tell as much of your story as you feel comfortable with. Like my psydoc was really pleased when I finally checked in with my body to see if I was comfortable sharing the content of my flashbacks. My response went from “I can try (and not dissociate)” to “HELL NO!!!”

Does that help?

 

[grit]

@AnD

I will just add one thing to your post:
Everything you are asking is great because it is helping at least one other person - me. You are articulate, curious, and stronger than you are giving yourself credit for but you will figure this out soon when this wind goes over.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[AnD]

You might not feel it but you’re very bright :hug:

What I mean is, disclosure is not black and white. It’s not all or nothing. Healthy boundaries allow you to tell as much of your story as you feel comfortable with. Like my psydoc was really pleased when I finally checked in with my body to see if I was comfortable sharing the content of my flashbacks. My response went from “I can try (and not dissociate)” to “HELL NO!!!”

Does that help?

Yes, it helps.
None of my therapists have put focus on this.
I am scared that being close to any sort of help will cause me to flashback and I will be highly symptomatic again with s/i.

At the beginning of my emdr-therapist I just wanted to talk. I could not look at the emdr-stick without panic. I didn't want to speak about it. The therapist strongly asked me try emdr and I obeyed.

Every time I started processing a new trauma I got obsessed with killing myself.

I didn't get the necessary tools to deal with my memories.

I am so scared to go down that road again.

I don't want my parts to take over my body. It feels like dying. I don't want to have flashbacks, it feels like being out of control and sometimes dying.

One thing is to not retraumatize myself by opening up before I am ready. I have repeatedly done that. Thinking it would help me. I guess it leaves me trapped in a young age and in a helpless state.

It hurts

 

[AnD]

@AnD

I will just add one thing to your post:
Everything you are asking is great because it is helping at least one other person - me. You are articulate, curious, and stronger than you are giving yourself credit for but you will figure this out soon when this wind goes over.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks for saying that it helps you too. It makes it easier for me to dare to dig deeper.

 

[MyWillow]

@AnD it’s also worth thinking about the fact that your parts have different needs and will be pulling in different directions. The young parts may want to attach and tell all. The protector parts likely don’t want anything to do with that. Hence the feeling of conflict when you launch into something so strongly. It helps to check in and come to an agreement about taking a small step that all your parts feel comfortable with.

Example: I really miss having parents that will support me and think well of what I do. There are some people (parents of friends) who treat me just like that. It’s eye opening and overwhelming. Lots of tears. My psydoc wondered if I could try to connect more because I need more support than I have now. I went home and felt rage about her suggestion. I couldn’t understand it. The following week I told her it sounded like “the dumbest f*cking idea ever”. She apologised for not understanding that it felt dangerous (whoa!), noted that I felt conflicted and asked if I’d continue to be brutally honest with her.

That’s the conflict of parts - whether those parts are distinct or more blended. One is desperate to attach and the other rages against the idea.

 

[AnD]

Your latest post @MyWillow made me feel and think a lot.

None of my parts want to go to therapy. I am the only one that wants support and help.

My child part thinks that the therapist will kill her/us and wants to eat pages from my therapists' books, she wants to build a fort of books to protect her from the t. She sucks her thumb in therapy. I have brought toys and teddy bears to make her feel more comfortable.
My teen part wants everyone to shut up and threatens to paint my face with whiteboard markers
The witch does not care, since she is a deity
The cat defends my parts against my therapist, in my mind
The shell, I am not sure it is a part or just severe dissociation. I can not feel or hear its thoughts but the shell seems to lack information that I seem to have.
Jenny-sex wants to have sex with t, to avoid and be safe perhaps?

And I don't feel safe either. I am often on the verge of puking going to therapy, last time was in March I think. I canceled the session I had booked in August. I couldn't do it.

I feel that she has done things to me that hasn't been ok for me. I am not sure I have verbalized it. The worst thing is that she does not intuitively see my parts with love and is curious about them. I was trying to teach her that, but I don't have the energy to teach her things.
I have obeyed her too, out of fear.

I am stressed out because I feel like I am not coping.

I have asked the deacon to e-mail me so she will tomorrow. I am not ready for a meeting.

On Monday I will phone a place that deals with ptsd and ask anonymously if they can help people with DID and/or OSDD. At least someone on the dissociative spectrum.

I am trying to remember and work on what @grit wrote in the post.

Frankly, I am all jumbled up inside. It is hard to admit because I feel as if I am doing something wrong by not handling it.