Dissociation And Functioning

[anonymous]

One of my biggest fears is not being able to function. To me, not being able to function feels like the world being able to see my abuse, it's very much attached to feeling ashamed and other people being ashamed of me - and rejection.

But I struggle with the idea that my functioning self is dissociated and that dissociation is bad (or something that needs fixing). The first time I went into therapy, the therapist was concerned about the level of dissociation I experienced, but I decided not to seek any further diagnosis, but to continue therapy for trauma.

At the moment I feel like I need to return to therapy if I can, but I'm really worried about dissociation being mentioned. The reason I'm worried is because I'm frightened that if it is 'fixed', I might lose control of the functional aspect of me. It's a major coping mechanism for me, and I can't see that it's such a bad thing as most people in society want people to be functioning and not emotionally breaking down.

 

[shell]

While it is understandable that relying on dissociation feels safe and known, it comes at a high cost to our mental health, physical health and relationships with those around us.

My T explained to me that maintaining dissociation after many years becomes more difficult, it starts break down and symptoms and memories start breaking through, uncontrolled emotions creates issues, and depression rears it's ugly head. For over 20 years after I left my abuser, I continued to dissociate and for all appearances managed because of that dissociation, but as each little stress of normal daily life kept adding up I started to fall apart, and then the nightmares started, and memories started being relived every night. Eventually my dissociation kept breaking down and I wasn't functioning, I struggled to work, to read, to sleep, to be a parent, and a wife

After 5 years of therapy, of which it probably took me at least 2 to 3 years to stop relying on dissociation, I can now see my dissociation has come at great personal cost to myself and my family. One of previous T's became same frustrated at my reliance on it, he gave me a massive wake up call. He told me I was like a zombie, I went through the motions, not living just existing, and it was true. Once I could get past my anger, I could see that I never done anything but exist on a very superficial basis, I had no ability to relate to others, and many years ago someone once told me I was the coldest person she had ever met, that others had tried to welcome me into their group, but I just shut them down. That really hurt me, as I had always felt like I had never belonged, and at the time didn't see that being numb, empty and dissociated takes away our ability to relate, function and be emotional and connected.

What is a life that is never lived, for me it is not a life, it is a life sentence for something that stopped happening over 30 years ago. I am happy to step out of my self imposed prison, yes I am emotional, but it has not come at the expense of losing myself, but rather I am finding myself. It is human to be emotional, as I have learnt to regulate my emotions, to put myself back together, and to accept my emotions. When we fear our emotions, then we fight against them, and make it feel worse than it needs to be.

Dissociation is life preserving when we are being abused, it is the prison wall that we hide behind to stay safe, but when we are no longer being abused it becomes our self imposed prison. Being emotional is a normal part of being human, therapy helps us learn to manage our reactions to a perfectly normal experience, and to stop turning those emotions back in on ourself which is bad for our health.

 

[anonymous]

@shell thank you for replying, it is something that is worrying me a lot today.

I went through years of numbness when younger, and like you have said, when the numbness wasn't there I ended up having a breakdown. But after a couple of years of therapy, I'm not numb all of the time. I do try to give myself to listen to the voice of the abused me and let myself feel the emotions and fears that I do. But I have like an off switch and when I get to work, or have a conversation with someone, it is like that switch is pressed automatically.

I don't have a social life or a partner and my children are older teenagers, so I get time by myself and I do feel and try to work through things. And I don't feel as bad as I do right now all of the time. At the moment I do feel like I'm breaking down and I'm frightened by it. But I'm not at work today and when I do go back to work, I will be ok. But I couldn't cope with a partner or friends today, and so yes, it does effect my life significantly. But I can't stop working to take time to sort my head out. Not just because of finances, but also because I would be failing and showing myself to be weak - which I am, but I don't want to wear that so people around me see it.

I don't know what to do, I feel imprisoned both ways.

 

[shell]

For a long time I told myself I wouldn't cope if I let myself feel, and remember all the things I was trying to forget, but it wasn't true. I survived my abuse, I am here now as living proof, but I had so many forms of self protection in place that made it difficult and still does at times, to really get to the pain and start releasing it.

It was actually my dissociation, that would kick in a save me from overwhelm when I was too frightened and overwhelmed by the enormity of what I was working on in therapy and little by little I have learnt to trust the process, and to work a little at a time. If I now dissociate it is a sign I am overwhelmed, I ground myself in the present, know that I am safe and try again, and usually I will be able to sit with the feelings and process it, if not in therapy in the days after it. You don't have to submerge yourself to process trauma, in fact going slowly is usually more effective.

I learnt to have therapy on Friday afternoons or Saturday mornings, so that I have the weekend to process and to be able to function at work.

What worked best for me to manage the dissociation before working on trauma, was working on the everyday stuff to make life more manageable, taking time to learn to trust my T, and learning skills because without the skills to support myself dissociation was my only form of support.

I had to learn how to self care, and have self compassion because another one of my forms of self protection was to attack myself so I wouldn't look at what my abusers did to me and working on trauma meant that kicked in to stop me. I don't think my first T's realised how bad my self critic was and that it would try and kill me rather than to allow me to feel the pain and to acknowlege I wasn't responsible for my abuse.

At one time that helped stop me from expressing my anger at my abusers as that would have brought more abuse, but now it was stopping me from processing trauma. The dissociation would kick in because I was making the emotions worse, because I was attacking myself for feeling them.

Don't assume that dissociation is your only form of protection, I have more.

I had dissociation, denial, a strong inner critic that believes I deserve to die (a projection of my mother), and dissociative amnesia.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ehhh, I think your thinking is a bit backwards. If "fixing" you involves losing functionality, its not exactly "fixing" you...

 

[anonymous]

@shell yes I do need to go back into therapy, I just hope they'll understand the feelings behind being functional for me. Those fears I would like to be able to release, but I don't want to be different on the outside, in public.

@itsKismet my need to be perfect at work or in front of people, is a bit like an obsessive compulsion - say someone with OCD cleans a lot, you could say that having a clean house is a good thing, because to most people it is. But when the house is clean because cleaning is tied in with fear of everything going wrong if they haven't cleaned, then it's not healthy.

It's the same with me and being seen to function, the fear of not being able to do that or of people seeing the abused me, fills me with dread and I can't cope with that.

 

[shimmerz]

If "fixing" you involves losing functionality, its not exactly "fixing" you...

Right. And that is the fear as far as I can tell from this posting. I got 'fixed' by being put on the wrong drugs, doing CBT while I was still in real physical danger, had people stalking, harassing, breaking into my house while some 'nurse CBT bitch' was telling me that I was an idiot for worrying about it.

It depends on who is 'fixing' you and how they are fixing you. If they go about it the wrong way, too quickly, or without thought or concern to make sure you can still function, then that is not fixing it is exacerbating the problem. Especially if you have OCD tendencies.

I think there is a ton of value in no dissociating. It also brings up scary, scary feelings (from my experience). I suggest you make sure you have a damned good T who is in it for the long haul, that you can afford that therapy, and that whoever it is, is REALLY good at understanding how it feels to 'lose' the dissociative tendencies. I would literally interview my T about this.

Those fears I would like to be able to release, but I don't want to be different on the outside, in public.

This may be unrealistic. I would ask instead, how to manage this change as it will affect your coping strategies and core personality.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. I find the idea that it will effect my core personality very scary, and am realising how controlling I'm trying to be over my life. It's out of balance at the moment and it is becoming more damaging than helpful.

 

[shimmerz]

and am realising how controlling I'm trying to be over my life.

I think that is the nature of the beast is it not? We get a skewed up perception that the only way to be safe is to be in control. But in order to integrate, we need to give up that control. Scary.as.shit.

 

[greenleaf]

What if you looked at various people around you who are functional but not "perfect", and start thinking about the range of functionality that people survive in the "real world" around you with? "Normal" people aren't functional all the time! But how do they handle it?

When someone has done something terrible to people you know, or maybe they've suffered a terrible loss, how do they get support? Who do they go to that is safe, how do they figure out who is safe to share various things with, and how do they reciprocate to maintain good friendships that can be long-term supports? Those things are skills that very unfortunately folks abused as kids aren't taught, but skills can be learned at any age -- thank goodness! It is difficult but we can do it little bits at a time.

I think we feel like it will be a huge explosion and we'll lose our adult survival abilities -- but we don't have to do that, we can experiment with little steps.

In fact, my T says that some deep parts of our brains won't even let go of control until our (reptile brains) feel our survival won't be threatened. It will relax as we feel safer.

So, working on how to feel safe with people seems the key; how to feel safe sharing little bits of problems, issues, things that scare us, seeing what the reaction is. Some things might need to be kept for a trauma T because the understanding of the issues just requires so much specialized background; the average person can get scared of some of our issues because they fear saying the wrong thing to us. It is specialized knowledge, but lots of medical stuff is like that too. I had never heard of the word "dissociation" before a couple of years ago, I think... was around various adult trauma survivors, never understood why my (childhood-based trauma) issues didn't quite seem to fit in with support groups for adult traumas...

 

[Stepher]

I'm currently in a serious battle with dissociation, so I googled how to manage dissociation and this forum came up. I'm glad it did.

First of all, I have felt so alone as I deal with my ptsd symptoms that have erupted a few months ago. I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict, so I'm having to deal with flashbacks and panic attacks without my usual coping mechanisms. So reading this is illuminating, for I don't feel so crazy and isolated.

shell, (I don't know how to tag you yet), thank you in particular for this:

"I had to learn how to self care, and have self compassion because another one of my forms of self protection was to attack myself so I wouldn't look at what my abusers did to me and working on trauma meant that kicked in to stop me. I don't think my first T's realised how bad my self critic was and that it would try and kill me rather than to allow me to feel the pain and to acknowlege I wasn't responsible for my abuse."

So, I need some help in getting back in my body and to "reality" and away from unbearable dissociation. My dissociation has manifested itself to occur virtually everyday. I have gotten so used to it, that I'm able to talk a bit more and function a little. I'm still terrified of everything and everyone and beyond anxious, for I'm afraid that someone will notice that I'm not behaving normally. (I find this strange that I can feel anxious and basically nothing else.)

I want to regain control of my body and my mind and get back to my normal state. I'm a complete control freak (with OCD tendencies, for sure, like some of you have mentioned). I am rarely able to accept that I have to deal with being uncomfortably dissociated yet again. I'm aware of some various unhealthy thoughts towards this, but nonetheless, if there are any skills I can learn to get me grounded or out of that state once I'm already "gone", I'd be so, so grateful to explore them.

(Quick note: I am in therapy, but it seems like I'm just spinning my wheels with her--like we're not getting anywhere. In fact, I think she could be being detrimental to my progress.)

 

[shell]

Controlling dissociation for me has been ongoing process, I am still working on it, I was addicted to it.

Learning to be in my body, to feel my physical feelings, processing somatically was far more effective. Learning to accept my emotions, was a long process. but becoming aware that I am holding my breath is my first indication I am overwhelmed. Watching my body reactions helps, when I didn't even know I was dissociating until it was too late and I was gone, I was just wasting their time and my money.

As time went on self compassion allowed me to stay with my emotions.