Childhood Dissociation And Memory I Had

[Angelwings]

I had this experience earlier this week. I started having a completely immersive flashback. I know where I was but I couldn't see what was going on, I had intense pain and then the room went black and I was then sitting in the bathroom 5 hours later in my therapist's office. This same thing happened the next day, but I was in my therapists office when I came back, not in the bathroom. I asked her what was going on, so yesterday she made the choice to tell me what I was saying in the flashback, because that's what her perspective was. Now, in the past, when I've asked about things like this, she's refused to give me any detail. I understand now, why she was doing that. I was talking about a curling iron. So, she tells me this, and immediately I have the entire flashback. So traumatic. She said that I don't need to know everything, and that maybe from here on out I should just concentrate on healing and moving on, instead of trying to find out what happened. How many sadistic things can one person do to a child? I don't know what to do from here, because I can't help but wonder what I'm doing when I'm dissociated, and my therapist and aunt are the only people who can clue me in. Should I continue to ask what happened or just accept what I know and move on???

 

[Skywatcher]

I think that your goal should be to remain as stable as possible right now. The stuff will come out if it decides to. My T once told me that if it were locked away in a vault and could remain as such, we wouldn’t touch it, the only problem is that it keeps seeping out, so we had to deal with it, and we do.

Where were you to begin with when you woke up in your T’s office or the bathroom? Do you have DID?

 

[Angelwings]

I think that your goal should be to remain as stable as possible right now. The stuff will come out if it decides to. My T once told me that if it were locked away in a vault and could remain as such, we wouldn’t touch it, the only problem is that it keeps seeping out, so we had to deal with it, and we do.

Where were you to begin with when you woke up in your T’s office or the bathroom? Do you have DID?

The thing is, I don't really know. I have these dissociated states where I am the age I was at the time of the abuse, this time, I was 5 years old. I have no memory of it, and my therapist says that I don't say my name is anything other than Beth, so she doesn't think it's DID. I have the diagnosis of DD-NOS type 1. I think that's not right because it mentions no amnesia with these differing states, but I have complete amnesia every time it happens.

 

[Skywatcher]

I would be most concerned with the lost time at this point, rather than remembering your abuse. I had a friend in college with a steel plate in his head due to a car crash. He would lose time and end up places. Once he ended up at the airport and had lost 6 hours of time. They said it was a type of seizure. ??‍ I hope you can figure that part out.

 

[Swift]

I'm not gonna play the diagnosis game...
But yeah I have stuff like that happen all the time.
@Skywatcher is way right - focusing on stability is a good thing right now.

My theory for myself is the memories will come when they come, when my brain feels safe enough to show them to me, it will. I struggle with wanting to get to the bottom of it all, but I don't know that that's wise, trying to figure it all out at once.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's bloody awful.

Are you relatively safe when you lose time? You can put apps on your phone that track where you've been, or check your bank statements, or leave your phone recorder on in your pocket. Dissociative me is a weirdo, and I often don't know where I've been. I know I never drive my car, for example, but I do weird shit in my house and garden.

I've had some success with journalling to my parts, trying to make agreements with them to bring me back something from their "adventures." one of them brought me a rock, once, so I know roughly where I went, from tracking my own phone and the type of rock it was.