Dissociation And Time Loss

[Srain]

As I was walking this morning I realized once again that running from the pain of everything this past 10yrs since PTSD really hit me so that I can hardly stand it :cry: I still feel like I am not able to keep my standing. I've never been afraid of anything but one person in my life and he died years ago but the last decade off and on I've lived in terror as I jumped in and out of my skin. Terrified of everything, losing time most of all. I can never get that back...

As I was walking trying to get grounded with Little Dog, I realized we have had her 4 years! I have no idea where the time went. I use to not regret anything in my life but I regret these past years because I have felt no control what-so-ever!! I understand on a head-level that this is the split that has taken place once the symptoms caught hold of me and I broke down but I feel so completely weak and broken.

I use to work 60hrs a week, run run run, do do do, and then wham!! My life fell completely apart and I left my body and I'm paying a heavy price for it. At times I feel like I did this to myself. What a mess. I have made our neighbors angry at us without thinking about it when I've blown up and turned right around and done acts of kindness without a thought otherwise. I'm like Jeckle and Hyde, ugh!! I have been here long enough to no longer be able to fool myself into thinking they don't know who I am but I still try to pretend that, what a fool I am. It's because I don't know how to really interact, I'm not use to being home.

I don't know what I'm saying really, I just know that Dissociation and Depersonalization have all but ruined my life and yet it's like a drug to me, I wish I could go there when I feel this bad. Does that make sense?? I am working so hard to come back into my life but the pain hurts.

No doubt I have posted this same thing a few times but my memory lapses so please forgive me. It's like I have no face recognition. I guess it's part of PTSD although I'm not sure of all of this. I'm particularly confused about it all this morning as I feel very sad. My tdoc said that all the loud noises and brightness that I'm experiencing is part of coming back into my body, that is why it bothers me so much. Is this why the pain hurts more too?

Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know the answers but I know the feeling, just do the best you can Rain, that's all it has to be.
We are human and make mistakes- all the more less culpable you were when it wasn't in your control.
Please think of all the good things you have done and do, too.

I am sorry for all that pain. :(
((((((Rain)))))

 

[jeeps for now]

I woke up this morning thinking and feeling many of the things you just wrote about. All the hypervigilance and long, fast paced hours took a toll on my 'here and now', many years later.

I take small steps toward better health and spirit. I find them much more effective than trying to go too fast with anything.

Thank you for posting this.

 

[kimba]

A big hug from me Rain.

 

[Lionheart]

(((((((Rain)))))))

 

[AliveInside]

Rain, I know what you are talking about I spent over a decade and a half disassociating, trying to burn time, to get away from my traumatic experiences, hiding from reality. I know the addiction but we are both her because we know it isn't true. You've made the hardest step, the first step towards acceptance and I applaud you for that it's not easy. Be patient with yourself Rain. All the best.

 

[Srain]

Aliveinside, I appreciate your post and glad to hear (and sad at the same time that it happened to someone else) I'm not the only one to have spent so long living like this.

It's strange that I know that how I've always done it a little here and there in lesser degrees but now that I can consciously work to turn it off I can also turn it on and oddly I chose to use it to get out of my pain yesterday. It was a relief! But at the same time I felt wildly uncomfortable around people at times until I spoke to a gf of mine who told me that perhaps to use it as a different perspective on my feelings when things are too much while I'm in therapy at this time. I found that enlightening.

I will bring it up next week in therapy. Just wondering the thought here.