Dissociation Is Not Courageous

[Red Feather]

I think unconsciously I would dissociate and felt I was being brave. It made me do things that contributed to the abuse. Now I realize it was not bravery, but actually avoidance. Dissociating might have made it more bearable, but it is not a good thing.

Does that make sense?

 

[Shellbell]

Dissociation is a coping strategy, which serves us well in many situations. I do absolutely think it is a good thing. I'm very glad I dissociated through the worst abuse and I'm glad I don't remember most of it. My brain has served me very well through all that.

I talked with my T tonight about my increasing dissociation which is occuring when I am stressed or think about any of the severe abuse. She asked me what was the opposite of dissociation, and I answered - pain. And that pain is unbearable. I don't think that feeling all the full weight of the pain instead right now would make me more courageous.

So, whilst my dissociation now may appear to be causing me problems, slowing my T down, while I am still unable to effectively cope with the pain any other way, I'll gladly have dissociation. The pain of some things is still too raw for now.

As I progress through T (I am only 3 months in and will be in T for the long haul), I will learn how, with baby steps, little by little, how to cope without dissociation. And I'm okay with that.

I don't think dissociation means we are not courageous at all.

 

[piratelady]

Nadia, I hope you are able to learn other ways to cope. You can do it!

 

[Philippa]

I agree with shellbell. Dissociation is just how our minds cope with what we are presented with. In traumatic events it is what keeps people alive, so I don't consider it to be cowardly at all. It's just what our minds do to keep us safe in times when we otherwise cannot cope.

I did once think that being able to feel the full pain meant that I was somehow braver or better able to cope, but having had times where I have been in unbearable pain, I can honestly say that I didn't feel any braver...actually I felt more stupid for putting myself through all that when I didn't have to.

I do believe that it is better to eventually allow yourself to go through the pain, the beauty of dissociation is that the persons brain decides how much they can cope...so it is always looking after them.

So yeah, I wouldn't say dissociation is either cowardly or courageous...it's purely a coping strategy.

 

[Abstract]

It made me do things that contributed to the abuse. Now I realize it was not bravery, but actually avoidance.

Hi nadia,

I actually think you were very brave to survive the abuse and clever to find such a creative way of doing so. I think dissociation is a brave attempt to survive when we otherwise could not and did not have an out.

I do think it can then end up putting us in danger and also contribute to our pain in certain situations too. I know I have ended up being harmed because of dissociating as it was a default place I went into. And because I had no sense of reality or self preservation when highly dissociated in childhood I ended up risk taking even more. Realising it is not always helpful has helped me decrease it in normal life situations if not in T. I absolutely do not think it is black and white though. I think its a clever skill that can be abused just like many things can be.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Dissociation is a life raft that suddenly appears in a terrible, arctic, stormy sea.

It's employed instinctively to psychologically survive the storm until we reach a safe shore.

Not all in such storms make it to the raft. Even some who do succumb to the damage.

Some never reach the safe shore where it's possible to climb out of the raft and survive.

Some who do can never leave behind the storm in their soul.

But some do, and continue to face the horrors of that storm, re-entering the life raft over and over until the storm finally breaks and sunlight enters their soul....finally.

Not courageous?

 

[Abstract]

I have also only recently started accepting this: sometimes doing nothing is the cleverest, most adaptive, appropriate and bravest decision we can make.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks BloomInWinter and Abstract, (((((( :hug: )))))).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it is couragous. We could go crazy and you did not choose that option Nadia. You survived hell. Now you are coming out of it. I liked what Bloom and Abstract had to say so eloquently. I agree with them. Mabe print it out and carry it with you to remind you of the truth. You are very brave and couragous.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have found dissociation to be both helpful and (or) dangerous, but never pre-planned, not even sure if or when it occurs entirely.

 

[Red Feather]

I really appreciate all of your answers. It is a very compassionate way of going about it.

Junebug, that's just it. I am guessing it is happening much more than I realize.

I think, what made me think this, was that yes, I dissociated in order to cope. But I should have said no. I should have said no. I abused dissociation in order to keep on, and stay with him. Unconsciously, I gave up safe care and ignored the pain, blocking myself from my feelings in order to do that.

And I probably identified with that person who stayed. It was an ego thing. People also would tell me that I am brave for getting married so early and leaving all my family behind to move to Germany. I guess that is what I am getting to understand.

But maybe you all are right. I just figure if I hadn't gone through a very difficult childhood, I would have been more connected to my needs during the marriage.

 

[shell]

While I find dissociation has severely restricted my progress on therapy, I don't think its cowardly, it is teaching me how I coped as a child, and is giving me more understanding of what really happened.

I recreate in therapy what I did as I child, I numb my feelings, my body and I can block out the face of my T to the point I can't see him at all, just like I did with my father when it was too unbearable.

It helps me to understand how I made all these memories go away, and to understand more about myself, as they come back. If I hadn't seen it in action myself now, I wouldn't have believe half the memories I got back.

Dissociation kept us sane, kept us safe from them and ourself, and allowed us to survive in a place that wasn't acceptable. The body is an amazing thing, it ensured our survival the best way it knew how.

It's just a shame that now I haven't got very far in controlling it, that it is coming back again too often, I struggle to recognize when it is even happening at times.