Dissociation, Ptsd?

[Em13]

I feel like the more and more I read about dissociation the more I have the "classic case" so to speak. I can remember (and when I say remember, I have no memory of the time I spent dissociating, I just remember it happened and who I was) the first time it happened I was 12. My friend told me I was walking around the room touching and describing things and crying. I was in a trance. From what he described to me I was in my great grandmother's apartment who had passed away. I have never directly cried about a death before (sober) and I have gone through many. I guess my body needed to dissociate to cry about it? That was my conclusion.

The next time it happened was years later when I was 18. I thought I was in the 30's at a party. That one has happened twice and both times I was under the influence and alcohol and one time I was taken to the hospital where I was pumped full of adavan (sp?) and slept for 24 hours. I never received therapy. I knew this one was building because I had met my neighbors. I lovely married couple who were both sexually abused and both had ptsd. The wife had been manic for well over a year and assumed a different personality completely. This was before they had met. I became close to them very quickly because they were kind and I was lost. But it brought up so much that I have never dealt with. I started to stress about little things like the store not having my brand of toothpaste so I left my whole cart filled with stuff and went home and cried. I was having nervous break-downs and I was also addicted to vicodin.

The one time that is was really bad, I was dating a guy and had been stressed and things were going very badly. He had ptsd from the war in Iraq and would have weird anger bouts (steroids also) and I would leave him. The night he broke up with me, was the last straw on my stress scale. He found me walking around his apt complex and he told me I was covered in leaves and grass and I looked lost. I had reverted to my 5 year old self. For two days I colored and drank chocolate milk. I would cry if I did not have a straw. So that is where I call it the classic case. Reverting to childhood self. My neighbors picked me up and took care of me at their house and helped me get therapy when I was back to me and felt well again. I was so confused and scared I stopped therapy. I met a man and we dated for a long time and now I have a beautiful son and life is wonderful. Have been happy and non-dissocitative. Yet I am fearful it will happen again with the baby around. Though I am well now.

So now that all of this is out, I am still so confused as to why I did all of this. I have some child hood trauma. But I have chunks of memory missing. Or at least I think I do. I remember one day coming home from school when I was 8 and my mom's boyfriend was home and then I remember scrubbing the sink and crying. I have no memory of what happened in between if their was anything at all. Is it possible to cut out trauma and never get it back? How do I get a full diagnoses if we can't find the missing pieces?

There are things I am aware of that have to do with my trauma. All sexual. I was older, 13-16 but it was all still very vile to me.

Sorry my story is so long. I just have never reached out before and now I am trying to feel like I am not alone.

 

[safenow]

Hi Em 13,

Wlecome to the PTSD forum. Sounds like you have had a very hard time. I"m sorry you went through those times of dissociation. Being a multi myself, I know how hard and disturbing that can be.

Just so you know, not everyone with ptsd has that problem. Only those who were abused so badly before they turned 5 years old.

I'm glad you have a solid relationship with someone now, and have a child to love. when you are under a lot of stress, you will tend to dissociate again, so be aware of that. Stress is not easy to manage, however, it can be done. Many years ago I had 24 alternate personalities. Now, I am down to only four littles and me. Which is very very good.

Take your time and look around this forum. There are a lot of good, kind, helpful people. Make yourself at home, you will find some excellent material here that can help a lot.

See you,
Safenow

 

[ashdawn8287]

Welcome to the forum. That is a very interesting story. I got sexually abused as a kid, but I blocked it out. I don't "classic case" dissociate. I kind of "tune out" or "space out." I forget easily because of this and it takes a lot for me to feel grounded to the present. i am sorry you went through everything you went through. I am glad you posted your story.

You obviously care about yourself a lot and I think with a baby the worry goes into over drive and especially with PTSD. You care about yourself which allows you to care about your daughter. You seem like you are in a stable environment. I wouldn't worry. I bet you are a fantastic mother and seem smart. Hang on to your husband. Does he know about it?

My advice ( I am not an expert) would to be learn your triggers. Learn a healthy way to cope when things get stressful. I do breathing techniques and grounding -like counting things and colors in a room, listening to various sounds and background noise. Eat suckers or hard candy. Basically I use all my senses to make me feel in the moment so I can't just run away or space out.

Do you see a therapist about the dissociation?

If you have netflix you should watch The United States of Tara. It's funny TV series about dissociation identity disorder. It made me feel better. I don't dissociate and change personalities but I do go through different moods and I feel like sometimes there are 12 different sides to me and I am complex. I am always aware of what I am doing and have never blocked out (sober).

I also mildly struggled with addiction. Mainly anti anxietys and whenever I could get strong pain medicines like vicodin. Say I was prescribed 1mg I would take 2mg. I was a controlled addict if that makes sense, but I loved the feeling of pills. It eased everything. I would also drink heavily, really bad. I would experience black outs drunk all the time with no recollection. I guess I would get into fights at the bars a lot, mainly with men.

My fiancee changed my view of the world and of love and relationships. I feel you have a really great thing going with your husband and your baby (congratulations by the way) and you should focus. I believe if you are overly concerned with dissociation you should see a professional just to see what their opinion is and maybe some ideas on how to manage stress.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Luke]

What you have experienced sounds truly gut wrenching. I am very fortunate in that (as far as I know) I basically just zone out & lose track of everything when I dissociate. Of course, I'll never really know... because I can't bring myself to ask anyone what happened. I only know that I have been told "I loved it when you did such & such..." & I basically think, "She's thinking of someone else". In one occasion I was almost a bit hurt, because I was sure she was thinking of someone else & had confused the identities (with some other guy). I was absolutely sure of it. I eventually & amiably told this person (after it was mentioned yet again as if I should recall) that I didn't believe it was actually me in that instance. This did not go over so well. From there on out, it'd be... "REMEMBER?!", from time to time if it seemed I had forgotten a "moment". Ultimately, i don't know exactly what it is I do. I think it's just a mental tactic of evasion. I've never done anything to offend in these instances, I'm just... not entirely "there"... because I'm probably just a scared little child who simply lets his cognition lapse in order to get through those awkward "moments". It's such a contrast tho. When I think of what I endured, & why I learned to separate or "dissociate" myself from the events & the incurred physical & mental pain of them... It just... well, really sucks that I react the same way to the uncertainty of intimacy at times. I think it's just getting worse too.

At a point I thought about asking an old friend what I had done. I am sure she'd experienced it first hand. However, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It would have meant explaining why it happened & why I wanted to know, & although she was exceptionally sweet & tender... she may have been upset by it (to have to retrospectively fill in those instances with such an explanation).

I too have what's referred to as "dissociative amnesia". I have huge childhood gaps. A couple months ago, I had three sessions with a therapist. She kept telling me I had to "feel" & fully process all these memories & everything that had happened to me. That I should contact people from my past & try to fill some of those gaps & experience the pain hidden within them... but NOT with her apparently. She was a huge proponent of EMDR. She does not do EMDR. So... It was fairly pointless. Worse yet, I referred to her by the same woman who would say (not the old friend whom I would have asked), "REMEMBER?!". Apparently, although it was certainly not clear at the time what their relationship was other than she knew her, she was a former patient of this therapist. I'm sure she had my best interests at heart but, I also wonder if part of the impetus was to motivate me to change & realize my "potential", etc. etc. It was a tad surreal to ascertain that this woman had given my friend advice that was directly conveyed with & through her behavior & tactics towards me, & her efforts to engage me in the past. As a result, I never mentioned this friend, which would have done me good because I feel the dissociation has been especially bad since I met her. Anyway, that's (both the friend for the most part, & the therapist is totally) over.

I don't know, much like yourself, I am concerned over the frequency & possibly increasing severity of these episodes.

I don't know if I want to delve into these "gaps". I have vague notions of why they are there & of what they may be composed. I'm not sure if the harm VS. good ratio of dredging up these horrors is in my favor. There are certain elements (physical & a bit sexual) of the decade long abuse I may not want to face or acknowledge, but maybe I need to. Maybe it's too late.

I agree with the other poster that it is imperative to learn your "Triggers". I fought this for the longest time. I'm hoping that having that awareness regarding the things that set me off will help me lead a fuller & more natural life, that it will help me stay in those "moments" & just be comfortable in & with myself... because that's what the dissociation is all about... escape. Escape that usually backfires. It's a vicious cycle, & I, much like yourself would like to break it.

Anyway, those are my rambling thoughts pertaining.