DID Dissociative identity disorder

[Cypress]

all sounds great but tbh it's been extremely hard since integration. After a lifetime of not dealing with things and dissociating instead,having to face and deal with everything is difficult.It hasn't been as great as it would seem to be.

I was wondering about that. I’m starting to realize that I use dissociation as a crutch - even though it does not feel voluntary- there is some break point where I give in to it and let someone inside come out.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I was wondering about that. I’m starting to realize that I use dissociation as a crutch - even though it does not feel voluntary- there is some break point where I give in to it and let someone inside come out.

@JadeB. I have times where dissociative artistic endeavors, (total immersion) is a kind of dissociation but it reduces stress, and I do my best work this way. Results are amazing.

 

[Jade-]

I was wondering about that. I’m starting to realize that I use dissociation as a crutch - even though it does not feel voluntary- there is some break point where I give in to it and let someone inside come out.

Even though it may not seem voluntary it will probably not be too hard to learn to not dissociate in that way.I say that because you said you "give in to it".I was switching due to triggers and had no awareness or control but then through therapy gained awareness and was able to recognize it was going to happen,like you.Then I learned to sit with all the feelings without avoiding them,built up tolerance without giving in.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Even though it may not seem voluntary it will probably not be too hard to learn to not dissociate in that way.I say that because you said you "give in to it".I was switching due to triggers and had no awareness or control but then through therapy gained awareness and was able to recognize it was going to happen,like you.Then I learned to sit with all the feelings without avoiding them,built up tolerance without giving in.

It has been hard keeping grounded and doing artwork like photography, drawing, and sculpture. I am coming to the conclusion that there is a difference between total concentration/immersion when creating and dissociation with a trigger. However, the two are very similar and without total immersion which is like a dissociative state I can't create and I'm more easily frustrated.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I was wondering about that. I’m starting to realize that I use dissociation as a crutch - even though it does not feel voluntary- there is some break point where I give in to it and let someone inside come out.

I'm with you to am extent but sometimes it's very hard to resist. Some of ny alters have much stronger wills than I do.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm with you to am extent but sometimes it's very hard to resist. Some of ny alters have much stronger wills than I do.

I make a list of the things that have to get done during the day in notes on my Iphone (or a list on paper). I check each thing off as I get it done. Then work on art for X hrs is a reward, music practice for x hours, or whatever creative part has a project going. Anyways, that works most often, and I set my phone on a timer to ring 10 min. before it is time so I can wrap up what I'm doing. This helps get a number of things done and checked off-the things I least like to do like dishes, laundry, and vacuuming.

@JadeB. I have times where dissociative artistic endeavors, (total immersion) is a kind of dissociation but it reduces stress, and I do my best work this way. Results are amazing.

Me too. I think some things that are destressing like immersive artistic experiences are normal, for very creative people. I know it is my norm....and I need that space because it is freeing, and then I create the best art!

 

[Jade-]

I am coming to the conclusion that there is a difference between total concentration/immersion when creating and dissociation with a trigger

Yes, the two are quite different.

 

[Cypress]

.Then I learned to sit with all the feelings without avoiding them,built up tolerance without giving in.

How did you learn to do this? I am in a place in therapy where intellectually I know all of the memories and feelings of the parts are actually mine. I know why and when I “made” the parts and I am able for moments to be very close to my parts. Sometimes I feel their feelings and see their memories as my own and have a feeling of joining that lasts for seconds and then I completely pull away and decide that I am just histrionic and fantasizing all of this: back to denial. I can’t seem to move forward.

 

[whiteraven]

I agree with that,especially since the whole story/ movie about Sybil was supposedly proven to be fake.Just because someone fakes an illness it doesnt mean it's not a real illness.If someone fakes a pregnancy it doesn't mean pregnancy isn't a real thing.I dont get the logic behind it.

I reviewed the book about Sybil being fake when I was writing my memoir and a lot of the research that went into it comes across as made-up. The author also has no idea at all what living with DID is like so a lot of the "evidence" she puts forward is based on a false notion of how DID manifests.

 

[Jade-]

How did you learn to do this? I am in a place in therapy where intellectually I know all of the memories and feelings of the parts are actually mine. I know why and when I “made” the parts and I am able for moments to be very close to my parts. Sometimes I feel their feelings and see their memories as my own and have a feeling of joining that lasts for seconds and then I completely pull away and decide that I am just histrionic and fantasizing all of this: back to denial. I can’t seem to move forward.

My therapy didn't focus on DID or all my different parts,it focused on the abuse and trauma that caused it to develop in the first place.So when working on those traumas my therapist helped me gradually increase my tolerance level to feeling so that I wouldn't dissociate/switch.He would remind me I was in a safe place,ask to me to sit with the feelings as long as I could.He would talk to me,help me do deep breathing and assure me I could tolerate it.If I felt like I was going to faint he would tell me even if I did,it would be ok,that I would be ok afterwards but he never had anyone faint from feeling before.

In later years when another insider would be present with me,I was able to stay aware(and present) but at first I would get so off balance I couldn't stand up or walk afterwards.He would help me until I was able to and at times having to keep me from falling over.

I did that too,felt their feelings and saw their memories.I blended with them at times too.But working through the traumas is what helped the most,the sane as trauma therapy for PTSD.I know some therapists work on getting to know each insider,know their names,their purpose,etc. My T didn't do that,he just worked with whatever he was presented with each week.

It sounds like you're really progressing.Have you talked to your T about learning how to learn to sit with/tolerate feelings?I needed the trust and safety of my therapist to do it,maybe that might work for you or maybe something else is needed?

 

[Cypress]

But working through the traumas is what helped the most,the sane as trauma therapy for PTSD

I went into trauma therapy because I thought I just had residual PTSD. I actually wasn't aware I was dissociating and neither was my T at first. He doesn't really get into the parts either, no mapping or anything. We stick with whatever feeling or memory each part holds and try to bring that forward and learn to tolerate it. We also work on self-compassion, right now I am learning to love the sadistic or rageful parts because they hold my anger and I need to embrace that at some point. It is excruciating work.

I find that I can tolerate the memory or the feeling of a traumatic event but both at the same time is often unbearable.

 

[Jade-]

I wasn't aware I was dissociating when I started therapy,I didn't even know what that meant.I started therapy because my life was a mess and unmanageable. I was shocked to be diagnosed with PTSD and even more shocked to get the DID diagnosis.

Turned out my parts had been presenting themselves in therapy from day one and I had no clue.As a matter of fact they were emailing my therapist from the beginning too and I was also unaware of that.So my T knew all along but I was in the dark about all of it.

And yes,learning to tolerate the memories and feelings at the same time is what was hardest for me.You'll get there though.