DID Dissociative identity disorder

[Muttly]

My therapy has been much like @JadeB. describes. And I have gotten much better at tolerating feelings of the others. Having said that, I recently discovered a new little one and we are just starting to deal with the memories and feelings from that one. It's rough going right now. It's a process.

I was reading some posts here and asked my T (again) about integration as a goal for therapy. That is not her goal. She wants us to be able to process the feelings and memories so they don't haunt today and we are able to live in a healthy way.

I have a friend who has DID who I met online from another group. She is years ahead of me in therapy. She hasn't integrated but has full cooperation/communication and... hmm... she always mentions another "C" word. Anyway, she does really well in life. Recovery is possible

 

[Jade-]

For me integration was just what naturally occured as I worked through all the traumas.An unraveling process.No longer having all the abuse/thoughts/feelings,etc.in different little compartments (the alters).

I say that because I didn't make a conscious decision to integrate, it just happened gradually. I don't think I could have chosen not to.I don't think the alters could have chosen either because afterall they're not really other people inside one body.It was just a way to cope as a child and was no longer necessary.

 

[Cypress]

I say that because I didn't make a conscious decision to integrate, it just happened gradually.

This is what I am thinking happens. I had a part, a sort of unemotional managerial type that was very active when I was a teenager in therapy and was also active when I started therapy again in middle age but just recently, I don't feel him any more. My T says it's because I no longer need him, I can manage myself. His skillset just melded into my adult self.

It's still hard though, some sessions I feel like the memories and feelings are mine, that all that miserable sh*t happened to me and then other days, I feel like @Muttly:

And I have gotten much better at tolerating feelings of the others.

Not my feelings, others feelings - even though I know intellectually that all these parts are aspects of myself, it doesn't seem to help.

 

[Ronin]

even though I know intellectually that all these parts are aspects of myself, it doesn't seem to help.

Would focusing on tolerating the feelings&, instead, do anything?

Because IME D.I.D. questions about me/notme can just drive one (or many a one) nuttier.

... I promise I'm not singing the Frozen Let it gooo song in anyone's direction. :angelic:

 

[Sideways]

Not my feelings, others feelings - even though I know intellectually that all these parts are aspects of myself, it doesn't seem to help.

This is a hard one to come at.

If the feelings tied to a particular alter were easy to tolerate - you wouldn’t need the alter. So, almost by definition, I reckon that it’s almost a certainty that part of treating DID involves tackling feelings that our brain has already decided are too much for us. Brain created a “Too Hard” basket, aka an alter, and put the Too Hard feelings there.

Rinse and repeat.

We get left with a whole bunch of alters that have experiences and emotions that are Too Hard to deal with. Neat system.

Only, to the extent that we continue to disown hose parts, “That’s a different person”, we aren’t owning our own life, our own experiences. The things that make us who we are? Include all the parts. Every single one is part of who you are. You’re that complex and unique and diverse...

And the thing is, our brain decided that those feelings were Too Hard based on what we could cope with as a child. But now we’re an adult. Part of being an adult includes taking responsibility for the whole of yourself, owning the depth and breadth of your emotional and literal experiences. Becoming aware of parts? Is an indication that your brain is thinking, “Maybe that stuff isn’t Too Hard anymore...”.

And it’s not too hard anymore. You’re underestimating yourself if you think you can’t handle the things that your parts know, the experiences they’ve had, and the emotions that they carry. Because in simply being aware of them? Is a form of coping.

That coping gets even better when you move from acknowledging to accepting. And stronger again when you move from accepting, to working together.

It’s no cake walk. Our brain wouldn’t have created these walls and sealed boxes in our minds if it were easy. But we have grown into adults. And if you’re aware of your parts? Then absolutely you’re ready to start the process of accepting them.

Like building any new relationships it will have its ups and downs. You don’t want all the emotional junk they’re carrying around, and IME? That feeling is usually mutual.

But it’s not something that I think should be avoided eternally. You aren’t a whole person without your parts. And you haven’t lived your own life, all of it, until you accept that it’s all You.

 

[Muttly]

This was basically the conversation of therapy for me (us) today. I have come a long ways in accepting the others and not blaming them. I can tolerate some feelings. But accepting the feelings that stem from their memories? Ugh. No. Several of us talked about that today. I mean, I guess basically we talked about whether I could handle it. Which makes me feel like a bit of a wuss.

And the thing is, our brain decided that those feelings were Too Hard based on what we could cope with as a child. But now we’re an adult. Part of being an adult includes taking responsibility for the whole of yourself, owning the depth and breadth of your emotional and literal experiences.

I guess I'm still a bit stuck here. It's hard to believe that I can handle what the others remember and feel and still be a functioning adult. They aren't the one that hold down the job. That's my job.

Although my T said something interesting. Hmm... trying to think how to say what she said. I guess some of the others are still stuck in the past. And if they aren't stuck holding the memories and kept only on the inside, then they can start finding things they like and want from the now. So it's not like I'll just be opened up to their memories and feelings, they will get opened up to new things. And T asked one of the insiders who I am least comfortable with, what she would want to do for fun. Just one thing. And I guess it was hard for her to come up with something, but she did. It was singing. And so after therapy we let her listen to music of her choosing and sing along and that seemed to make her happy (something she has never felt) and that seemed to help us all.

 

[Sideways]

It’s not all bad. As an adult? It’s perfectly legitimate for me to go to the park, order the rainbow coloured ice cream, and sit on the swings till I feel ill.

Sometimes? That’s what coping looks like. It’s not all bad. Like the singing - even if it’s not your kind of music, that was coping. Accepting the part, and allowing it to be a feature in your life, even with all the emotional baggage it carries.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I wasn't aware I was dissociating when I started therapy,I didn't even know what that meant.I started therapy because my life was a mess and unmanageable. I was shocked to be diagnosed with PTSD and even more shocked to get the DID diagnosis.

Turned out my parts had been presenting themselves in therapy from day one and I had no clue.As a matter of fact they were emailing my therapist from the beginning too and I was also unaware of that.So my T knew all along but I was in the dark about all of it.

And yes,learning to tolerate the memories and feelings at the same time is what was hardest for me.You'll get there though.

@JadeB the anger part for me is so hard and when I'm jacked up, it is really hard to unwind from having an argument or rehashing, or retelling the issue, with no one in the front passenger's seat. Recently I went on a 4 week vacation. I have 4 day car trip left to get home and I'm really beat. I'm ranting and raving in the car, looping back hurtful memories, talking up an angry storm, that caused real pain for me....and a huge amount of loss. Driving about 90+mph in a 75 zone. Lights go on, had no idea of my speed, but that got a part of me focused on the driver's job real quick! If that happened a year ago, I'd cry and get super strung out, have a full blown anxiety attack on the policeman, and then usually only get a warning. This time I was so exhausted, I just admitted it and hoped I wasn't breaking 20 mph over the speed limit cause I was in an unfamiliar state and didn't know the wreckless driving criteria. The policeman was in a good mood, never said what my speed was....having 4 days to get home, he saw I was exhausted, and gave me a very polite and kind warning. I put the speed control on after that. I could have had a ticket, a fine (cause there was no arguing my way out) and just told him the truth-wasn't focused on the here and now, was focused on getting sleep....was exhausted. But had I not been arguing with air, and been all angry and uptight, I would have been driving better. So glad to be in a bed now!

 

[TruthSeeker]

I was reading some posts here and asked my T (again) about integration as a goal for therapy. That is not her goal. She wants us to be able to process the feelings and memories so they don't haunt today and we are able to live in a healthy way.

@Muttly I was a very "goal oriented" person, and going through a lot of trauma, so stayed in phase 1 safety for a long while. I asked my T "again" more recently about integration, and she said the same kinda thing. She also said that therapists are moving away from
integration as a "cure, or total end result" because many of those who thought they were integrated, "fell apart" under stress and then the process of reintegration has to be started. She also was all about parts communication and cooperation for the long term.
I happen to like the goal of integration, because it sounds finite-there can be an end if I work hard enough?

 

[Jade-]

If a person reaches full/complete integration(and I do not mean just communication/cooperation,working as a system,etc) it's a myth that they can unintegrate,or fall apart again.DID only develops in young childhood and unless a person can go back in time,go through the trauma again they cant redevelop it.

If a person does do that then they weren't fully integrated to begin with.

 

[Jade-]

@Wilbur you said

I happen to like the goal of integration, because it sounds finite-there can be an end if I work hard enough

Integration is definitely not the "end" and is actually just the beginning of a different way of life that comes with many struggles.

And it's not about if you "work hard enough".As I said before,I think I just got lucky to reach full integration.

I'm not sure what else was in your post that was moderated but DID is not something that can be compared really.Everyone's situation is different and what each person has to go through in order to heal is unique to them.There's some basics that go along with it but still an individual thing.

 

[Sideways]

My parts aren’t likely to integrate I don’t reckon. There’s too much disparity between them a some of them are opposites of each other in many ways.

But as much as I like the idea of being one single consistent personality? I’m okay with things the way they are. It throws up problems for sure. But I still use my parts to help cope with situations, to think about things in ways that I haven’t considered, feel big emotions about things that I wouldn’t have thought would matter to me.

I just moved in with my sister, and she doesn’t have DID. So the books on her bookcase are consistent with each other. Her clothes have a particular style. Her music only covers certain genres.

I’ve gotten used to being freakishly eclectic. My CD collection is utter chaos, with Frank Sinatra sitting comfortably alongside Marilyn Manson. My books are the same. The tv shows and the clothes. Unpredictable and Chaotic to a person who doesn’t have DID. But I’ve grown to love the chaos of it. Everyone gets their own playlist on my ipod, and there are a few playlists where we mix it all up. Don’t reckon I’d have it any other way, even though it’s driving my sister nuts!

This is a coping mechanism that only a child’s brain can come up with. Doesn’t mean it’s something I necessarily want to change it:)