Distrust

[TruthSeeker]

B for boundaries
R for reliability
A for accountability
V for vault (as in confidentiality)
I for integrity
N for non judgementalness
G for generosity

It was familiar, and remember reading it or seeing it on a streaming show she did, but I had forgotten it. I have one best friend I can describe this way, and no family unfortunately that comes close to this description.

 

[Mee]

It was familiar, and remember reading it or seeing it on a streaming show she did, but I had forgotten it. I have one best friend I can describe this way, and no family unfortunately that comes close to this description.

I think it’s rare.
I also know I have broken a couple of those more than once. And that’s harder for me to deal with.

 

[RussellSue]

I've been experiencing waves of intrusive thoughts and beliefs that I cannot trust people in my life.

Over time, the most important thing anyone has ever told me was pretty simple in theory but not as easy in practice. He said, "you are supposed to love people, no one said a damned thing about trusting them. Trust means you are putting expectations on people."

As a severely damaged little girl trying to make it in a cruel world, I often have a desire to reach out and make allies who understand where I have been and who I am now on some deep and meaningful level in order to feel like I belong on this planet. Unfortunately, this has been a huge invitation for disaster.

The level of damage I have taken in life has resulted in a lot of broken relationships. That feeling that I could not trust people has been pretty accurate most of the time. The only person in my life I concern myself with trusting now is my husband. Everyone else, I just try to interact with without expecting much. My best friend has PTSD, too. I know she means to be trustworthy but even she is a wild card because of her own relationship issues.

I think I have some notion of how unhealthy this sounds but it works out a lot better for me to just be out there doing my job as a silent partner in whatever project than to be hoping that people get me, care about me or even understand. Most of them do not or will not. The fact that I have survived 40 years of this life makes me seem just a little bit dangerous and out of place in most situations.

As for my husband, we have had our moments but in my deepest, innermost being, I know he loves me. I remember those horrible times when he cried with me while I held my little dog when he was put down, when my sister asked to talk to me for the first time in many years and he boldly but kindly said, "sure, but I'm not leaving," while he squeezed my hand, when I taught him to help my grandfather to the bathroom and he did it for days, etc. and it gets me through my rough patches of distrust. We talk, too, but it's memories of his actions that help me to remember that he's committed - that he's on my side even when my side is all screwed up.

I don't know if these things are helpful or just some sort of dysfunctional coping mechanisms I try to keep active in my life. They seem to be working for me better than earlier attempts at human interaction. I'm not breaking down into a pool of goo every other day, anymore. I work on me and let others work on themselves. We don't usually mesh but we manage to get along. I don't need much in the way of trustworthiness because I'm not looking for people to trust, in general. I don't tell people much about me, so they can't hurt me with what they know. Even my mother-in-law doesn't know I have cPTSD.

 

[Tinyflame]

JMHO, but I don't think trust is an expectation (unless there's commitment, or an expectation/ gamble of a belief of safety or integrity), but for me it would be a boundary. I would feel pretty unwise to expose vulnerability or be authentic or maintain safety with someone I felt I couldn't trust; that to me is like leaning on a 3 legged table. The opposite, is lack of connection. But the connection is severed when the trust is, too. The freeing thing is, when others show they don't care, now I don't care any more for them or about it, either. They made their choice, and so they should. But now, I make mine as well.

 

[Tinyflame]

For example, I will be hanging out with a friend I have known for years, who I logically know to be trustworthy, and then become triggered in some way (sometime I recognize, sometimes I don't). Then I have intrusive thoughts that they have ulterior motives to harm/exploit me, and my brain starts looking for "evidence ".
.. Yeah I dont trust people without reason, I know trust is earned. The scary thing is when I start to question if I can trust people who have been in my life for a long time, because that makes me feel like I dont know what's real and that my loved ones are not genuine.

I came back to add because I forgot (and I'm sorry I agree with many of her points but am not a fan of Brene Brown), it was Gottman (I think) who said trust is like a fan, when you fan it out all the separate points on it are points that make up trust, and can involve different things, and involve turning towards, being there. It's the cumulative total of all those.

Betrayal, which I would expect harm to fall under, since it would be a betrayal of your person, actually doesn't have to do with trust. It has to do he said with the mindset of, ~I don't need this crap, and I can do better. For direct harm I think there's a component of I don't care and I am justified (Idk if he said the last one, that's JMHExperience. Or enjoying it, or feeling justified re: contempt).

Not sure if that's helpful? If it's fear out of nowhere maybe you're triggered or are just subconsciously looking for the evidence for what you knew followed (waiting for the other shoe to drop). Since 'knowing' it's coming gives a sense of control of how to quickly react or flee, and be able to avoid more of the same.

Good luck.

 

[PreciousChild]

I think people are right to remind us to be realistic and to be cautious, and not to give trust where it is not due. But I think that for most of us who has ptsd and specifically c-ptsd, I don't think we need advice to be less trusting. In specific settings and with specific people, trusting might not be a good idea. But I feel that my learning to trust has had a global affect on my entire way of relating to the world. I feel that self-protection which I think distrust is about is exaggerated when people are feeling broken inside. I feel that trust goes along with feeling strong inside, and knowing that even if someone tries to hurt you, you will not crumble.

 

[RussellSue]

I don't think we need advice to be less trusting

Well, maybe not. I imagine different things work for different people depending on a lot of different factors. It was advice I had been given after having had cPTSD for over 20 years and it has been helpful for me.

 

[fern]

B for boundaries
R for reliability
A for accountability
V for vault (as in confidentiality)
I for integrity
N for non judgementalness
G for generosity

This is very useful, thank you. I will be reflecting on this, not only in looking to recognize these certain and similar qualities in others, but also cultivating them more in myself.

 

[PreciousChild]

@RussellSue , good point. I was struck by the fact that you could at least trust your husband. I don't know that I could trust anybody in the entire world before my current bf, which is a sad commentary. My son is different because

Well, maybe not. I imagine different things work for different people depending on a lot of different factors. It was advice I had been given after having had cPTSD for over 20 years and it has been helpful for me.

I see. I think you're right that different things work for different people. I noticed that you had wrote that you can trust your husband. I don't feel I even had one person I could totally trust, maybe one of my brothers, but I don't see him that much. So learning to trust with my bf is really big for me.

 

[Mee]

I think people are right to remind us to be realistic and to be cautious, and not to give trust where it is not due. But I think that for most of us who has ptsd and specifically c-ptsd, I don't think we need advice to be less trusting. .

I can’t speak for most - but I do think the advice to be less trusting is appropriate for me. I can’t help feeling that as a victim of more than one sexual assault at different stages in life I have been too trusting.

I think it’s incredibly difficult to identify ‘safe people’. More difficult than the list given above suggests - because almost everybody makes errors Of judgement and does things that in retrospect they wish they had not - things on that list.

I think the word use here is difficult. Same with red flags. i day I find seeing red flags difficult - but that’s not quite true - more that I see them in every one - including Myself - and we’re one to turn at every red flag one would move forward with no one and nothing.

The result is that my ‘less trusting’ is sort of the same as my ‘ too trusting’. A lack of differentiation?

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure I know exactly what trust means? For me it's a feeling, a belief, and a presence of safety, a vehicle wherein I can drop my guard.

 

[PreciousChild]

I can’t speak for most - but I do think the advice to be less trusting is appropriate for me. I can’t help feeling that as a victim of more than one sexual assault at different stages in life I have been too trusting.

I think it’s incredibly difficult to identify ‘safe people’. More difficult than the list given above suggests - because almost everybody makes errors Of judgement and does things that in retrospect they wish they had not - things on that list.

I think the word use here is difficult. Same with red flags. i day I find seeing red flags difficult - but that’s not quite true - more that I see them in every one - including Myself - and we’re one to turn at every red flag one would move forward with no one and nothing.

The result is that my ‘less trusting’ is sort of the same as my ‘ too trusting’. A lack of differentiation?

That's interesting, @Mee. I see where you're coming from. But if you're seeing red flags in yourself and others, wouldn't that be a case of distrust? My experience of trust has been to have taken risks with safe people who have affirmed me. That has taken me away from seeking out people who treat me badly as my parents did. To me, that kind of pull towards familiar abuse is not about "too trusting." But I do agree that abuse deadens the ability to be alerted by red flags.