Distrust

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
To me it's a LOT about learning to trust yourself.
I developed a strong fawn response as a result of my childhood trauma and for a long time this lead me to more exploitation and abuse.

I had to start to treat myself how I wanted to be treated instead of giving all my energy to other's in a "don't hurt me! what is it you want? I'll-give- you-anything-if-you-don't-hurt me!" kinda way.

So working on one's trauma response and developing that frontal lobe critical thinking became a way for me to learn to trust my own ability of discerning.

I haven't figured it all out, by a long shot, being on the spectrum adds another layer of complexity for me, I believe, so it's a long process of learning how people are, and adjusting accordingly, but keeping on practising putting my wellbeing first as a priority, rather than trying to appease other people in a fawny way.

Pete Walker's book was an eye opener for learning about my own particular trauma responses; Identifying those responses has been vital in figuring out how I could develop behaviours to keep myself safe, instead of my typical fawn first ask questions later type pattern.

My trustworthy person, my SO, pulls me up for fawning, especially when I do it to my own children, because, in reality, I avoid just about everyone else, as that's as far as my hypervigilance and freeze/hide (my other dominant trauma response) allows me to be open to other's.

I still don't trust myself to have very good boundaries, on the whole, so mine are fortress-like, in an attempt to balance out, as they were non existent for many, many years.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
That's interesting, @Mee. ut if you're seeing red flags in yourself and others, wouldn't that be a case of distrust? .

No- I don’t think so. Not for me. I have tended to - in the past - feel ‘ we are all flawed Human , so this is something I can forgive ‘. And I think that’s realistic. I think not seeing the flags in people - and our selves - is lack of awareness or idealisation.
However - I do have the book ‘safe People’ on my reading list and maybe I’ll feel differently after that ?
 

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I thought these were great points:


I had to start to treat myself how I wanted to be treated instead of giving all my energy to other's in a "don't hurt me! what is it you want? I'll-give- you-anything-if-you-don't-hurt me!" kinda way.

So working on one's trauma response and developing that frontal lobe critical thinking became a way for me to learn to trust my own ability of discerning.

My co-dependency comes from turning my entire attention to my narcissistic father instead of focusing on my own responses and needs. I think your point is good - before trusting the other, you have to be intact and build trust from within. It helps when there are people around you who you can trust.

I relate to your point about the frontal lobe. It took me longer to realize that part of the solution to my problems was to build the requisite skills to live life peaceably. I thought the whole problem was the dysfunction I was left with by years of abuse. But part of healing is to know how to take care of yourself and others who can reciprocate care.

we are all flawed Human
I agree that we should accept the realities of where people are and to go from there. I don't think trust is about pretending not to see real, human flaws.
 

fern

Confident
To me it's a LOT about learning to trust yourself...

I had to start to treat myself how I wanted to be treated instead of giving all my energy to other's in a "don't hurt me! what is it you want? I'll-give- you-anything-if-you-don't-hurt me!" kinda way.

I still don't trust myself to have very good boundaries, on the whole, so mine are fortress-like, in an attempt to balance out, as they were non existent for many, many years.

Thank you mumstheword, this has given me a lot to think about and is extremely helpful.
You, and this whole conversation on this thread, really helped affirm in me what I didnt know I needed- that it's ok to feel what I feel. I was so concerned with me distrusting people in my life that I was fighting what I was feeling, and on top of it feeling guilty for having these thoughts about people I love.
I have since been able to find some breathing room in which this has softened, because I realized it's ok to feel what I feel.
It's ok to feel what I feel...
I can accept that.

Also, I acknowledge that my distrust/paranoia is trying to serve a purpose, which, in part, is to bring my attention to specific relationships and make sure that I am not missing red flags or otherwise compromising my self respect or safety in other ways.

This conversation has given me the insight and space to really look at one of my friendships that I have been really distrustful of, and reflect on how there have been many issues of her crossing my boundaries- and not responding appropriately when I lay out those boundaries clearly. I told her I needed space, and instead of feeling guilty, I feel really good that I gave myself permission to hold her accountable for what she did that was not ok with me, and take the space I need, and take care of myself.

By doing things like this, I develop more trust with myself.

So thank you, mumstheword, for sharing. It helped a lot click into perspective for me.
And thank you for sharing about boundaries, as well. It's ok for me to set all the boundaries I need.

Like you said yours are kind of overcompensating for all the time you didnt have boundaries. I grew up with no boundaries, and being punished for attempting to set them. I've gotten practice with boundaries within the past couple years but I still have a lot to learn and practice with them.

I appreciate the reminder, though your similar shared experience, that it's ok to"overcompensate" in order to make myself feel safe. It is my responsibility to keep myself safe.

I also think the feelings of distrust/paranoia actually is hypervigilance, because it happens when I am triggered. And the distrust is always tied to, in some way, feeling like "it (the abuse) is happening again" in some form or another.

I was judging myself harshly for having intrusive thoughts about my partner or my friends, but now that I understand it's about me being triggered and hypervigilant.. it makes a lot of sense.

When I find some compassion/acceptance for myself and stop judging what I am feeling, these things soften..
 

New

MyPTSD Pro
This conversation has given me the insight and space to really look at one of my friendships that I have been really distrustful of, and reflect on how there have been many issues of her crossing my boundaries- and not responding appropriately when I lay out those boundaries clearly. I told her I needed space, and instead of feeling guilty,

This is great. I’ve had a friend who I had to do this with but always felt very guilty. It has strained our friendship but we are working on it.


She implied her boundaries were to communicate with me. I perceived that as her being horrible and basically stopped all communication. (She called me every day and/or came over and I was exhausted when struggling trying to stay present with her)

Then months later we talked after my husband suggested it and we both set boundaries. She asked me to at least respond to a text to tell her something.

I have only a few very close friendships and they don’t expect this and I haven’t either so it still causes me to feel distrust. Is that what you experience?
 

fern

Confident
This is great. I’ve had a friend who I had to do this with but always felt very guilty. It has strained our friendship but we are working on it.


She implied her boundaries were to communicate with me. I perceived that as her being horrible and basically stopped all communication. (She called me every day and/or came over and I was exhausted when struggling trying to stay present with her)

Then months later we talked after my husband suggested it and we both set boundaries. She asked me to at least respond to a text to tell her something.

I have only a few very close friendships and they don’t expect this and I haven’t either so it still causes me to feel distrust. Is that what you experience?

This sounds like a different kind of distrust than what I have been experiencing lately.
It sounds like she didn't know that her desire to connect with you was pushing your boundaries- so that's good that you two ended up communicating about it.

Her boundaries could not have been to communicate with you- that is more like her trying to reach her wants/needs for interpersonal connection. A boundary would not require someone else giving you their time and energy. Know what I mean? A boundary is meant to set YOUR limitations/guidelines/protections for yourself. and, in my case, I can point to my boundaries clearly to communicate to someone and let them know it's inappropriate to say that/do that to me.

But you not wanting to/being able to talk to your friend every day? Totally reasonable.

I would be willing to commit to daily communication with my partner or a friend who is going through a difficult period in their mental health (short term), but if someone expected that of me regularly, I would perceive that to potentially be controlling behavior.


How did you/would you set boundaries with that friend?
 
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