General Do Family and Friends Understand?

[Frankie]

My bf left about 2 months ago after a wonderful relationship that lasted almost 2 years. I haven't heard from him since (well, only one very impersonal phone call, one week after he left).

During these 2 years I tried to make my family and closest friends understand my bf's PTSD and what we were dealing with. My bf, at the time, agreed that we should let them know about his PTSD. He didn't want to hide it, he wanted it in the open.

He never wanted to shut us off from our family and friends. He wanted to be with them and he enjoyed their company.

When we would make plans to go visit family or friends....and if at the last moment he wouldn't feel like it anymore...I would call them and they would understand, no hard feelings.

One time we were in a parking lot and I was in front of a car and the driver wanted to move and he was honking...I didn't realize right away that he was honking at me, and I just said "ohhhh, I am in his way, poor guy is honking and here we are chatting away" :) my bf took a fit... (cause in his mind this person was really mean with me, and for my bf...that was the worst thing that could happen.....noone is allowed to be mean with me) and really started yelling at the guy in the car ! Well, we happened to be with my niece and her husband, needless to say I was a bit uncomfortable :)...I did finally calm him down and, thankfully, they were understanding.

As much as my family and friends understood, his leaving our relationship came to a COMPLETE SHOCK to them. They couldn't believe it and I heard so many "how could he leave when you were so great together"? ahhhh, so much for understanding PTSD !! :)

When he left I got a lot of "did he call you?" "did he come by?" "did he explain why he left?" and a lot of "I feel so bad for you" and of course "it is so hard to understand, I can't get it out of my mind....he left you ????".

Now almost 2 months after.....it is more like "well, forget about him" or "PTSD or no PTSD, he should be explaining himself and call you" or "He should realize he hurt you" and so on...

A few of my friends do say though "Since you told me about PTSD I have been doing some reading and I think that he truly had to leave because he couldn't do otherwise" and "he might come back, what will you do ? ....try again? what if he leaves again, and again?"

And bless her, one friend tells me "follow your heart, if you truly believe that he will come back, he is worth waiting for"

Well, as much as it is still hard to fully understand it myself, I can imagine how little a person that never had to deal with PTSD truly understands.

How do you deal with friends and family ? How do they deal with you ? Do you have support and understanding from them ? or do they have a hard time understanding why you stay in a relationship with someone who has PTSD ?

 

[Vickym]

Hi Frankie,

Really none of my family or friends understand as a matter a fact neither do any of my bfs family or friends. This has made things very hard for me. Its like I can't talk to anyone about anything cause they just don't understand and the things they have to say just make things worse for me cause to them it sounds like I'm make excuses. I have to admit before my bf I knew about ptsd but never took the time to understand it. Why would I its not like it was affecting me. And as a carer if you really want the loved one in your life you spend your time learning as much as possible to have that understanding. So I guess what I'm saying is our family and friends are clueless. The sad thing is I know so much now and I think to myself how can people be so blind to this. I was once that person. Some days I get so tired of trying to explain why my bf says and does the things he does. Before the forum I had no one to talk to that would understand. A lot of people say why do you stay you deserve better. I ask what is better? Does anyone have a perfect life? To me my bf is my life I'm a better person with him in it. When things are on the up they are so GREAT! My bf is the sweetest and most caring man I have ever met. For me he is the perfect fit that other half that makes a person whole. It really bothers me when someone says you deserve better you put so much into your relationship with him. Well of course I put a lot into it thats how you build a strong bond. And as for I deserve better who are they to decide what better means or is? It takes a true caring stong person to be a carer maybe they are weak. I wish his family was more supportive and would think before they speak and tell him to get over it and move on. The best thing for a carer in my opinion is to reach out to another carer for understanding and support.

 

[Lucy Loo]

Do friends and family understand? In one word, "Nope".

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

How do you deal with friends and family ? How do they deal with you ? Do you have support and understanding from them ? or do they have a hard time understanding why you stay in a relationship with someone who has PTSD ?

I am the carer in my relationship. I don't have many friends. I didn't even before I started my relationship with my partner who is a PTSD sufferer. I get along great with his family. They have taken me in and have always treated me like I was part of the family! I have a great deal of support from his family. I am not really sure what my family "really" thinks. I question if they wonder why I stay with him.. But my Mom knows how I feel about him. She knows that I love him and would do absolutely anything for him. The few friends that I do have don't know that my boyfriend is a sufferer. I am not really close with anyone!! I am a very quiet person that tends to stay to myself. I know that not all people are as blessed as I have been having such a great relationship with his family. I hope that this helps in anyway possible.

 

[Frankie]

True Vickym, so many people are clueless to PTSD and its effects. I certainly didn't know anything about this disorder....I heard about it only when I met my love. And I educated myself cause that is what you do when you love someone and want to be with them. And my feelings about my exbf are similar to yours.

I am surprised and dissappointed when family members or close friends don't want to understand nor take the time to understand.

They would understand and help if it was anything but a "mental" disorder !!!??

Are they afraid ? Deep down they don't want to believe that the sufferer is really sick? They prefer to think that it is only in their head ? They want to avoid the reality of PTSD ? Are they fed up with the ups and downs ? Sad, very sad !

We all need support and understanding, and you would think that the family would give it more then ever. I guess we end up choosing our friends more carefully ! Or we become alienated by everyone !

Or, in my case even though people around us where understanding, and we enjoyed seeing them, our best moments were when we were together, the two of us.

blue eyed angel, you are truly blessed in having a great relationship and support from his family.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

Frankie,

Thank You! I think that the reason why his family is so supportive is because of the fact that my boyfriends Dad is a Vietnam Vet and is also a sufferer of PTSD. So they are really good with communicating with each other. Which I have found that to be a blessing. I don't have to hide behind myself so to speak because I am afraid to say or do the wrong thing. I know that I could share my true feelings with them without having to worry about being judged. I wish that all family and friends were that understanding though...

 

[Frankie]

Sad to hear that both father and son have PTSD ! Yes, I can imagine that they would understand it better then some other people.

And you not having to hide or afraid of saying the wrong thing, is truly a blessing ! And frankly this is the way it should be !

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Support

I would have to say that all my friends and family don't understand PTSD. All have turned there back on me. I try to explain and defend him to all length...then I have to stop because I love him and it's all that matters. I have the support of a Doctor and this web-site and for right now that will do. I have my children to think of and often think of the long term effects but honestly, they don't live my life and who cares.

His side of the family is still dealing with it and having a hard time of it. I remind them that its a challenge but its a day to day thing.

Thanks is all I have to say I guess about this subject. :Hug_emoticon:

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Tinyflame]

I am afraid to say anything at all to anybody because I know the same reaction would be forthcoming. I know that it is supposed to be helpful for healing to "break the silence", but I also know intellectually what reaction would be coming and that would just reinforce my own negative thoughts about it and myself - to myself I know what I would think: "If they can't handle it, it (I) must be as bad as I think it (I) am!"

I guess that's why this forum is so important.
:rolleyes:

 

[Frankie]

Hi xxarmywifexx and Junebug,

I understand perfectly your choice of not talking about the disorder with family and friends. I know they can't understand why we choose to stay. They are afraid and not willing to learn about it....well, why should they ? They don't live with it. Sad but true for many.

We choose to stay with our partners because we love them as simple as that.

If my exbf was still with me...I know I would have moved to the country with him so we could live in a more peaceful environment as he needs it very much.

 

[Tinyflame]

Frankie, I think the "Peace" has to come from within.
-Beauty is it's "transportable" to any environment (especially when you need it the most).

Hugs and kisses to you..
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Nicolette]

If my exbf was still with me...I know I would have moved to the country with him so we could live in a more peaceful environment as he needs it very much.

Frankie, I think the "Peace" has to come from within.

Excuse me for butting in but I think you two are talking about two different things in relation to PTSD.

I understand that stress is bad for someone with PTSD and my interpretation of what Frankie was saying was that she believed that the country would be a less stressful environment (more peaceful).

My interpretation of what Junebug wrote was that she was referring to happiness of self...inner peace and not the same thing Frankie was talking about.

Please correct me if I am wrong.