First I would like to say hi to everyone here. I have read a lot of your posts and have been helped by them.
I really need help right now, I think I am in crisis but I don't know what to do.
Every morning I wake up feeling rage and I know it was about what I was dreaming about but I can never remember just what the dream was about. I know who I am angry with but I can't do anything about it.
I can remember a few things about my childhood that make me very uneasy (sexually) but mostly what we suffered was neglect and psychological. Three older members of my family including my parents would laugh at anything I said and I ended up not saying anything but one word over and over for most of primary school. No one took me to the doctors. I only ate a few foods and these issues were made worse by them laughing at the way I ate. I despised food. I didn't get any help from teachers or other family members either and that really makes me angry now.
I had a lock on the outside of my bedroom door and was expected to use a potty for a long time. I was offered a place at a good school but had to go to a rough school where obviously I was bullied endlessly.
I see myself as ferel.
I will never fit in with society especially now as things are starting to get worse. I am 30 years old and I am living in my Dads back bedroom going to work then going back to the back bedroom. That is my life. Recently my every thought is about joining a buddhist monastry and leaving this harsh world forever. Death keeps popping up in my mind to but I want to give life I try. I want to have something to offer. I want to live on my own on the edge of society and only join in when I can but I am afraid to leave this situation, besides, after I have bought the food and everything needed for the week I have no money left over to move. I have very few skills and certificates and hardly cope with daily living. I often slip into squalor and spend my days staring at the world on a white wall. Then the rest of my family get to hear how lazy and selfish I am.
Would I be better off at the monastry?
I need to get out.
I am willing to listen to ways if you could please help. My thoughts keep getting blocked and I am afraid of making decisions based on my delusions.
I walked into A and E before to ask for help with wanting to end it but I just slipped through the system again for using cannabis to sleep but that is not the cause it is the effect. I am afraid of being let down by the system again because then there will be no hope for me at all. They are overstreched as it is. They will rush me out.
I don't even know my main question but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
I really need help right now, I think I am in crisis but I don't know what to do.
Every morning I wake up feeling rage and I know it was about what I was dreaming about but I can never remember just what the dream was about. I know who I am angry with but I can't do anything about it.
I can remember a few things about my childhood that make me very uneasy (sexually) but mostly what we suffered was neglect and psychological. Three older members of my family including my parents would laugh at anything I said and I ended up not saying anything but one word over and over for most of primary school. No one took me to the doctors. I only ate a few foods and these issues were made worse by them laughing at the way I ate. I despised food. I didn't get any help from teachers or other family members either and that really makes me angry now.
I had a lock on the outside of my bedroom door and was expected to use a potty for a long time. I was offered a place at a good school but had to go to a rough school where obviously I was bullied endlessly.
I see myself as ferel.
I will never fit in with society especially now as things are starting to get worse. I am 30 years old and I am living in my Dads back bedroom going to work then going back to the back bedroom. That is my life. Recently my every thought is about joining a buddhist monastry and leaving this harsh world forever. Death keeps popping up in my mind to but I want to give life I try. I want to have something to offer. I want to live on my own on the edge of society and only join in when I can but I am afraid to leave this situation, besides, after I have bought the food and everything needed for the week I have no money left over to move. I have very few skills and certificates and hardly cope with daily living. I often slip into squalor and spend my days staring at the world on a white wall. Then the rest of my family get to hear how lazy and selfish I am.
Would I be better off at the monastry?
I need to get out.
I am willing to listen to ways if you could please help. My thoughts keep getting blocked and I am afraid of making decisions based on my delusions.
I walked into A and E before to ask for help with wanting to end it but I just slipped through the system again for using cannabis to sleep but that is not the cause it is the effect. I am afraid of being let down by the system again because then there will be no hope for me at all. They are overstreched as it is. They will rush me out.
I don't even know my main question but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
