Do I Have A Right To Go Home Before Christmas?

[Deleted member 30956]

help. I'm in pain... I'm a guest here, for over a week. my friend's parents invited me. she lives with them. she and I have been having bad disagreements like never before. I broke down crying in front of her mother yesterday. my friend was so hard hearted, she did not flinch.

first instance was she claimed I was a bad guest, the thought of which horribly triggered me. her parents disagreed with her. I couldn't understand her point of view, and feel she wanted to upset me on purpose. The event shook me up and I made bad decisions since that evening. Like had an argument with her in front of her parents over a movie. Asked her mother if I could stay at a motel. Told a mutual friend that we were not on speaking terms, and as a result we are no longer invited to her house for Christmas. Not smart decisions.

I don't do well in living spaces where I have to walk on eggshells. I am not enjoying myself at all. My friend and I will not be able to resolve this, at this time, if ever. I'm forcing myself to stay, counting the days until I leave after Xmas. I understand if I leave early, I may never be invited back again. But this is pure torture. Help

 

[LuckyDuck]

Uh, yeah.

Are you asking if it's wrong to go home after a friendship ending? In that case, no, it isn't. It might do you good to get some breathing space.

LD

 

[Friday]

Are you staying in hopes of repairing the friendship ...or just to piss her off/ out of spite/ if your Christmas is going to be ruined, then staying insures hers is ruined, too?

 

[desiderata310]

Of course you have a RIGHT. You don't wanna be somewhere because the atmosphere is intolerable, leave.
If you want to help her save face, you can feign illness or work emergency or anything like that. I don't believe that just because it's a holiday we have to make ourselves miserable putting up with someone else's bad behavior.
Go home. Pack and go. Tell them you love em and leave. Or just leave.

 

[Deleted member 30956]

Thank you for priceless support!!

I can't stay any longer. My friend and I made up; I saw that she truly regretted hurting me, and I apologized as well. However, her mother was yelling at and berating her pretty badly in front of me. My friend has autism. I found this immensely triggering. My heart was breaking so bad for my friend.

Unfortunately, she is enmeshed in a co-dependent, dysfunctional structure. She sees my going home as "abandoning" our friendship. All of them would rather that I force myself through two more days of hell, than leave because I cared about my health. They would rather save face than admit that their family is deeply dysfunctional. When I shared my observations with my friend, she said "Yes, but don't forget that we have tried to accommodate you; fed you and sheltered you."

(Ironic, how the friend sees me as soft, gentle and indecisive, but when I make it clear that I need to leave (a firm, confident decision), she is threatened by it. So reminiscent of my abuser; how he viewed me, and how he reacted when I would stand up for myself and ask him to stop.) AAAGGGHHHH

 

[shimmerz]

Not smart decisions.

I am not certain that these are bad decisions per se. It sounds like you tried to exit (motel), but they tried to stop you from leaving.

Idk, but in my perfect world that I have constructed in my head as kind of a road map for my 'healthy' relationships, if I expressed that I was uncomfortable somewhere, nobody would scream at me, they would either try to ease my concerns or send me off with blessings that I feel better. Sounds to me like it was a very triggery place to be and who needs that? Not you! Not me!

 

[desiderata310]

"Yes, but don't forget that we have tried to accommodate you; fed you and sheltered you."

AH the classic line of a co-dependent.
But but but... I've DONE things for you! that means you owe me THIS!!
No, not so much.
It was KIND of them to accommodate you. True. But all you owe at this point is your thanks for sheltering you.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

I would go home.

I have dysfunctional extended family often prevailing upon me to stay with them, well past my comfort stage. I used to do that, to make them "happy", keep the peace. Not anymore.

Your staying to please these people reminds me of someone severely allergic to peanuts choking down a peanut butter sandwich, in order not to upset the hostess with a legitimate need to avoid such a dangerous hit to their health and well-being.

You don't have to please people. That is a primitive survival technique used when we feel helpless.
You are not helpless. Your primary responsibility is to safeguard your health and physical and emotional well-being. If you are overwhelmed and need to go, that's is the right thing for you. If people protest your decision to get safe, that's really just too bad. It does not mean you are ending the friendship if you want to keep it. They are free to decide how they want to feel. Believe me, you are not wounding them as much as you fear you are. I love what @desiderata310 said above, "...tell 'em you love them and leave, or just leave.".

Your standing up for yourself, today, is a great healing step for you.