Do I Have Ptsd?

[Apu]

Hi everyone.

Some may consider this a weird thread to post in a PTSD forum, but I don't know what else to do to get some kind of answer. And I apologise if this is the wrong place to post it.

I suspect I have PTSD, or am slightly traumatised due to my erratic behaviour and thoughts, but I'm worried that I'm just overreacting or being melodramatic. I know my family would think so, which is why I haven't approached them about it.

When I was about 9-10 years old I was exposed to some extremely graphic material online, and in books. Graphic as in hardcore pornography and violence. Before that I had a strictly Catholic upbringing, so I had no idea what I was seeing. I didn't know what sex was, etc. I still remember some images, but only the worst ones. I remember I would stare, and couldn't look away, and I would shake for hours afterwards.
Around this time, my behaviour changed dramatically, and I went from an apparently "bubbly, confident" child to a sullen, moody and angry one, with erratic mood swings. From then on if I heard someone shouting anything along the lines of "No!" or "please, stop it!" I would break down into uncontrollable screaming fits, and do anything I could to stop what was happening. My siblings would be playing games, one would upset the other as children do, and they would yell something like that. And I would drop everything, run to them and physically assault the sibling that was "in the wrong". I was labeled a bully by my parents.
This continued for about 5 years. When I turned 14 I learned to control if better. Now I sort of emotionally just switch off. The emotions I felt during those fits were horrible, vicious anger, rage and fear of what my brother or sister was doing to the other. I volunteered to watch my 2 year old sister in the bath every single night because I couldn't stand having anyone else be with her while she was so vulnerable, in case they did something. I felt like a freak for even considering my family would ever abuse my little sister, but I was still scared. If my brother came in accidentally while she was bathing I would go nuts. He was only 4 though. My mind would go crazy with scenario's and I would lie awake at night with these images in my head. So it seems now as some sort of overcompensation I turn off a part of my brain when in a certain situation, to prevent that sort of extreme reaction, which has sort of worked for the past couple of years.

However, about a month or so ago I was asked out for the first time, on a date. The guy, although I hadn't known him very long was a very good friend of mine. I turned him down, as I'm not allowed to date due to my age and my studies. But I wasn't interested anyway, I only saw him as a friend. But since then everything has gotten worse. To me...it's hard to explain. Basically, I view all guys as sex addicts. If someone shows interest, part of me sees that as them simply wanting to violate and defile me for their satisfaction. I feel disgust when anyone talks about finding someone attractive, because to me, that's akin to saying "I want to be naked and have sex with that person and do disgusting things with them". Because that's what it'll lead to, right? I'm 16, and I have no interest in sex, or guys, or dating.
So yeah, since being asked out caused all this to get worse. I normally hate physical touch (I refuse to touch my parents, siblings or friends, with a few exceptions. But ESPECIALLY not my parents), but I'm freaking out about it even more. The guy who asked me out was very touchy-feely even when I asked him to stop, several times. I told him I don't like it, and he replied I'd "get used to it". I've never come so close to killing someone before.
I don't really have recurring nightmares of anything. I rarely dream, but when I do it's usually a nightmare. But my worst dreams involve me being raped, witnessing a rape, and being sexually abused. Those messed me up for days afterwards.

So, I think that's it. I don't know whats wrong with me, if I have PTSD or something similar. Or if I'm just being silly. But I've never written all this down before, I think that's helped in itself.
If anyone has any advice, or input, it'd be greatly appreciated. :)

Thanks for reading,

Delta.

 

[Ahijil]

You're not being silly at all. You are obviously having a hard time. No one here can tell you if you have PTSD or not so it's best to seek a professional opinion.

 

[Aja]

Hi, and welcome. No, you're not being silly. I know that viewing explicit material as a child has messed up more than one person in this world. We can't diagnose you, but regardless, I think it's more than just being dramatic. I think you have definite problematic areas that could use professional help.

 

[Efona]

Can't tell you that you have PTSD. Trauma comes in many forms. I have had to look at the traumatizing effects of my own flashbacks. Trauma on top of trauma.

Also, I was similarly exposed to some hard core stuff when I was 13. For me it complicated how I dealt with exiting problems related to PTSD. At 13, all alone, that left me in pretty bad shape.

 

[Oli]

There is nothing here that meets the primary diagnostic critera here, so PTSD isn't likely (unless you have other life threatening/sexual trauma). That's not to say you weren't really messed up by that incident, just that you don't have PTSD - though no one here could truthfully tell you that as we're not trained professionals. Not having PTSD however is a good thing, it means that you should be able to work through this with therapy and continue on with a relatively normal life. If you don't believe me check out the DSM V diagnostic criteria for PTSD and read through the criterion A section - to have PTSD you MUST have a criterion A stressor.

 

[Okufu]

Along with what Oli said... People know the term PTSD, but there is actually a whole spectrum of disorders / conditions (most far more treatable than PTSD) in the trauma / anxiety range. PTSD, being only one of them, requires CriterionA. But the other conditions that aren't as well known in the media & public mean that even if it's not PTSD? It's worth getting a professional evaluation.

 

[Afim]

Thanks guys for replying, I appreciate it. :) I guess it's good that it seems unlikely I have PTSD. But I wish I could just find out what's wrong with me and just fix it. I know I should get a professional opinion, but my parents simply see that as attention-seeking. Maybe when I turn 18.

Thanks again.

 

[Uvitu]

When I was about 9-10 years old I was exposed to some extremely graphic material online, and in books

How were you exposed? I think there is a huge difference between stumbling on something belonging to someone else, and being forced to look at by someone else. At the very least it raises questions about why you weren't protected from this material.