Childhood Do I Open This Door?

[ExitLight]

I think I was sexually abuse as a child, and I don't know how I want to deal with this or if I should - I want to hear your stories about making similar decisions.

Why do I think I was abused:
I've never remembered my childhood fully. Of course no one does, but I feel like there's gaps, or a gap missing. I know that I was in and out of therapy all the time. It was a regular thing for me to go to therapy. As did my mom, dad, and brother. Mental Illness wasn't frowned upon in my family, but rather a problem that could be fixed/eased. Some pieces of info that I find important, and what leads me ask myself if I was really abused are:
I was sexually active with my female neighbor before age 9.
I was extremely scared of the basement.
Especially the bathroom in the basement.
One of my worst nightmare as a child was me dropping a doll that looked like me down a shoot that went to the basement bathroom from my room, on the floor right above it - and I could see the layout of the house itself as this happened. Very hyper real. Very strange. I don't know how old I was, but I was young.
I tried to have sex with my female neighbor in the basement.
I don't ever remember masturbating for the first time, it just felt like a normal thing that I had always done.
I slept walked to the basement as a kid.
I struggled with weight, hyper sexuality, mood and so many other things

Recently, I've returned home from previously moving out of state. In doing so, I've had a bunch of childhood furniture returned to me. A lot of it reminds me of the house I grew up in. Since I've settled in to my new apartment, I've had a lot of stress, and I don't know if it's because of stress, but I've been getting flashbacks.
Certain scents, certain times of the day where the sun hits just right, and some actions people do will remind me of a super strong feeling, or I'll dissociate, or even this morning I had a visual image that intruded my head of someone presenting their penis to me in my basement as a child. I immediately felt nauseous, and it took me over an hour to work up the courage to tell my Fiance that I had the flash back because it disgusted me so much.

I've been becoming more and more anxious the past couple of months to the point where I quit my job and have been having regular panic attacks in my apartment. I have regular nightmares that I can't remember, but I wake up knowing I had a terrible nightmare.
I am more attracted to daddy/daughter roleplay, and disgusts me just as much as I'm curious about it.
I've been listening to music that I listened to as a child, in comparison, a lot more than usual.
I get into manic-cleaning episodes I like to call them, where I can't stop cleaning. There is usually a huge sensation of guilt that comes a long with it.

Why I'm scared to come forward: Since I've always had symptoms of a severe mental illness as a kid, going to therapy eventually got me the diagnosis of Mood Disorder NOS, BPD, ODD, and ADHD. No one could figure out why my mood swings didn't fit into a clean cookie cutter version of Bipolar, or anything else. And I was diagnosed with BPD at 16.
I'm scared that the symptoms of these collective illnesses that seem to be mish moshed together, are actually symptoms of PTSD because that's what it feels like to me.
I feel like I've been shoved in front of so many therapists almost like my mom putting me in front of someone begging them to fix me. I feel like they just wanted an answer.
Doctors usually diagnose BPD in patients that are in their 20's, and he said it was very odd for me to be diagnosed at such a young age. I had been "acting out" to phrase it simply, since I was 5-ish years old.

My entire life I've been conditioned, and told, and taught that what I was doing was "okay," but I needed to fix it. It was never a terrible thing that was my fault. But with all of these questions I've been asking myself, I feel like I'm treading thin freaking ice if I were to ask anyone about it.
My cousin was molested, and I recently listened to her share about the ridicule she faced when she came out about her trauma.

I feel like if I don't figure this out myself - whether I was abused or not - I'm going to drive myself crazy because I know myself, and I know I don't like the unknown. But I feel like if I do say something, I'm opening up a door that brings so much pain, rejection, and judgement from people who are supposed to care. I've seen what happens when people open this door, and I didn't know it was going to be put in front of me.

But now I feel like it's there, and I'm scared shitless.
Do you think you have repressed memories?
How are you dealing with them?
Have you recovered repressed memories?
Have you found a successful home-based recovery method?
Which types of therapists did you consider for this?
Which ones worked?
Do you think it was worth recovering if you have?
Tell me about improvements.

More lightly, did you like Finding Dory? Because that was like one big bad trip for me. I don't know if I should have watched it during this point in my life.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Seems your post is just now showing up. Sorry no one has shared with you yet.
First...we can't make up these things.
You seem very self aware.
You don't HAVE to tell anyone anything.
You are a grown woman who can seek out a Therapist because you feel yourself unraveling.
You have the right to seek help and find out what's going on..in your own way ,in your own way. Not because it's a "dirty secret" but because as an adult you have a right to privacy.
When and if you do choose to tell your family.. You will have your T to talk to about this. To help guide you.
If you can find a Trauma T that specializes in PTSD that would be a plus.
Hope you come back and let us know how you are.
Didn't answer a lot of your questions I know. But hopefully you will feel supported to seek help.
Hope we see you again.

 

[walter mitty]

While I would not want to talk you into anything that did not occur, i gotta recall the old adage "where there is smoke, there is usually fire."

When I was young, i suffered from a whole series of odd stressors and unusual yet specific fears. I compiled a list of trigging words, phrases and situations, and using them like jigsaw puzzle pieces started working on discovering the picture they made. I thought i new my primary trauma, but these pictures assembled, pointed to a whole new level of trauma underneath the one I had admitted and accepted.

I will warn you that many of the pictures I assembled were inaccurate in detail, they were supercharged with the fears and emotions of a child. But the basic image there was accurate.

Bottom line, i bet there is a traumatic story in your life, and with time, using the breadcrumbs left in your subconscious, you will be able to
backtrack to it.

I wish you luck and encourage you to spend some time around here, there are some wonderful people here with valuable input.

 

[Twilight]

One thing that leaps out at me is that you say, "I've been told I was doing okay but I need to fix it". This is similar to my story and i am just now coming out of the denial that my whole childhood was emotionally abusive. The overall message of my family, which i call "denial", was "you, (meaning me) need to be fixed because you are not right, but your family was a good and perfect family". Well, this message kept me in denial forever because it did not allow me to address the cause of my problem (the abuse), and then seek the corrective treatment to help me get better. So, now that i am admitting to myself the abuse and the entire effect it had on me, I am finally able to receive treatment and healing. (My family is very hostile if i mention any of this bc they are not ready to come out of the denial of the abuse they perpetrated. They are more than willing to tell me i am a liar or crazy, ie. for me to be "the problem", but do not want to hear or face the part they played in causing me to be sick. Classic denial.

Its too bad I believed the lie, that i was the "problem" and they are all perfect and good and faultless.

 

[watundah]

Yes, some memories came back decades later. And some came back last year in therapy. One of the hardest things was believing it could be real. It is still hard to accept. It sent me into a dark place for a while.

The furniture could be triggering. Memories are odd and not logical. Oddly, last week, my brother's scent was haunting me and I never see him any more.

So the experiences never go away, they may rest and wait to be rediscovered or you may never know. My T specifically asked me if I wanted to know before we went down that road I did, because I wanted to have all of the pieces and it was way worsenthan I could imagine.

It takes a lot of courage, you can't go back, and you have to be prepared for the backlash. A good T is a necessity. Best to you.

 

[Rumors]

I recovered missing memories from CSA... I hope I am done "remembering" things, but I can tell you it isn't something you can start then just stop. It doesn't work that way. Once you are on the ride, buckle up bc you are there until the ride stops. It's just like an amusement park roller coaster... Lol...

One thing I would like to point out, it sounds like you have already bought your ticket for the ride. I am not sure you can shut it off now even if you wanted to. If you don't have a good therapist, get one now. Do your grounding techniques, go to therapy regularly, get into meditation or yoga, and dedicate yourself to your healing.

I wish you well. It hasn't been easy for me. I am still on the ride so I can't give you tons of advice about being whole afterwards. I can only tell you that some of the things have rocked my world and I wasn't ready to hear everything that I have remembered. HOWEVER! I know that I have what it takes to get through this.... Best wishes.

 

[amosmorris]

I had my first experience of a body-memory-turned-real-memory last week and it was awful. During therapy session I felt very distinctly the feeling of being straddled and sat on; at the time I was ashamed of myself for even voicing it because it wasn't "real"--I thought it was just a metaphor of sorts, a representation or feeling and it made me nauseous. By the time I woke up the next morning I remembered first the red carpet in the house I grew up in, and then simply "knew" that that feeling was real and remembered distinctly the actual, lived experience. Very scary thing to go through. I take a lot of comfort in knowing others have been there. I am def out of my depths. I think a skilled therapist is a must.

 

[ExitLight]

Thank you for the support everyone. I've been lacking that in real life, heh. I went to bed last night, slept through the night, and when my fiance got into bed, I woke up just enough. I was in the middle of a dream where I was reading a note my mom gave me about "knowing of sexual trauma, and she was basically waiting for me to remember," or something like that.
I interpreted that as my own incessant need to be validated by her constantly, just showing through in a dream just about current related subjects.
And then as I was falling back asleep, I experienced sleep paralysis, got paranoid as all heck after that, and now I'm up at 5:30 AM.
*sigh*

 

[ladee]

You aren't alone even at this time of morning.
Don't know what woke me up..But here I am with a long day ahead of me.
Very glad to know you feel comforted and supported here.
This is a wonderful place to be where people really do understand.
Hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.
Gentle hugs for the healing journey ahead.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

I can relate to the search for 'signs'. For a while I got quite obsessed with going over what I could remember about being a kid, and what I was like now, with a fine tooth comb looking for evidence.

Actually, I probably didn't give off a lot of 'signs' as a kid. And as an adult? I had a breakdown that could be explained by a tonne of different mental illnesses, and in fact was explained away as Bipolar for quite a long time.

That whole time, I knew. The detail wasn't there, but I knew. And there were things that I knew were significant (like your basement - mine was the daily image of a red bike leaning against a wall), and were part of it. Asking people was fruitless, because of course their answer was the only answer they could give me: Ragdoll, the red bike memory may be something, or nothing. Hearing people say that? Made me know. It was something - and I knew that. The detail came later.

Life stress like moving, or triggers like childhood furniture suddenly being everywhere, could easily bring up all sorts of unresolved stuff from your childhood. Even people without a history of trauma have unresolved stuff from their childhood.

But from your posts, it sounds like you actually already know that you know. In which case, your brain has probably decided it's time to deal with it, whether you're ready or not. And if that's where you're at? You start looking for a trauma-informed pdoc or T, you keep up the communication with your partner, and you see where your brain decides it needs to go with as much support around you as possible.

The door tends to open of its own accord. The bit you control is how you prepare for the journey to the other side.

 

[ExitLight]

Ragdoll, I really appreciate your input. Because one of the things that I'm worried about, is that literally, I'm making this scenario up. I've had issue in the past with accusing a classmate of sexual harassment (boy, doesn't that sound familiar) and then, even further, going to obsessive lengths to prove he was at fault.

I've been internalizing all of this, rather than venting to a therapist because I've been so anxious that every time I try to build myself up to call a therapist, my mind goes wild and queue panic attack.

I know I need to visit a therapist because my mom said something during that time of accusation that stuck with me. She told me that when the events unfolded that showed I was being obsessively aggressive towards this boy, she "wanted to know who was at fault - no matter which way it landed."
And I think I've kept that quote handy for a while. And now I'm at a crossroads.

The crossroads feels like, okay, if I am making all this up, the feelings are still coming from somewhere, and they are still not healthy. Those are the facts I know. Whether they come from a mood disorder, skewed reality, I don't know.
But then my natural anxious personality automatically thinks "Well, if the feelings come from somewhere, what feelings were coming from where when I accused a kid of 'groping my butt' when in reality, he brushed against my side during silent reading, said sorry, and that should have been it." Because to me, feelings come from somewhere. Whether it's a thought, or trigger, something.
And then I jump back to "Well, maybe the paranoid feeling was coming from a place of delusion, or bipolar, or something." I was 13. And then I think of the behaviors I had adapted as a child. I was already masturbating before I was 9. I was already sexually active with my neighbor. I was extremely paranoid about sex before hand. And for some reason, I had and obsession with specifically, staring at men's junk. And specifically, men who were in authoritarian position. My teachers, therapists, cops, anyone who had power over me - I felt the incessant need to stare directly at their junk, and I was aware of this problem, which made it hard for me to concentrate on anything but looking away from it.

It's all of this stuff that needs to be sorted through.

But from your posts, it sounds like you actually already know that you know.

And I'm scared that in my mind, I've already made up, affirmed, and created this story from a place of delusion.
But what I'm experiencing, to me, says otherwise. But, again, anyone could tell me that I had the same thought process when I was 13.

Right now, I'm trying to take care of myself, and I'm really anxious about my family judging me for it. I feel like I should have a job. I feel like I should be making money. I feel like I should be doing this, should be doing that. And I feel like because I'm not, I'm failing, and therefore have no place to speak about any problems that might be going on with me - even more so for controversial topics, or heavier issues.

*sigh* I know not many of you can really tell me what to do, or give me a diagnosis, but I really do appreciate just... knowing there's people out there who are going through the same thing as me, or near same thing.

 

[Ocin]

On the path here too.
Similarly looking at all this vintage furniture that I was thrilled to put in my "forever home" with abject TERROR. Chaise lounge that was in my grandparents' bed room. I feel like puking when I realize that I have all these pieces that my mother and aunt literally shipped from one coast to the other when I bought a house on the opposite coast 10 years ago. And I am certain they were in complete denial about my abuse, and likely had suffered themselves. And now my aunt is dead and I have all this stuff that I shipped back across the US again for my "return home".
I was advised to consider reupholstering (may be a good idea!)
I agree with above comments that once you get started you can't really reverse it. But it seems like it is far better to process in some way than living with an increasingly fragmented mind. I was told that somatic experiencing does not require a complete memory, I used this along with EMDR to get started since yoga has allowed me to tune into my body when feeling safe (but I admit I spend most of my days dissociated as can be from my pelvis on down). From reading Levine's books it appears that you can work with the emotion and body sense without the full memory. That may feel better than trying to dig out all of the details and retraumatizing yourself.
I agree about the trigger breadcrumbs stuff too. Just keep a journal for those things so they have a home and you can avoid perseverating on them after they pop up.