Relationship Do I Run Or Do I Stay?

[Deleted member 27524]

Okay so here goes. I have been talking to a guy for around two years. He and I have gotten pretty close to where we want a relationship. We are long distance.He has PTSD from being a marine and also with the loss of his fiancée 12 years ago. He and I have had fights and pretty harsh things have been said on both ends but we feel that some of it is due to misunderstandings and frustrations from the distance. When things are good, their really good and when we fight, it's bad. I care very much for him and I'm sure he cares a great deal for me. I trust him more than anything. Nobody could say anything bad about him that I wouldn't defend.

So he has this "friend". She was a friend of his deceased fiancé and this friend is also a therapist. She was getting out of school around the time that his fiancé passed and she agreed to help him.."unofficialy".He has never paid her. He says she knows him better than anybody and knows all of his deepest secrets of his past and helped him work through issues with his PTSD and the loss of his fiancée. Sounds great right? Well sometime during all this help they talked about taking that friendship to a different place. More of a romantic place to which he said they closed the door on quickly and nothing happened.However we have had some arguments and for some reason he has thrown her up in my face and I don't know why? Things he has said are ....she said she has spent hours thinking about him, he said she'd give up her license today to be with him and has offered him her life, he said she has been loyal to him and that's something I know nothing about, he's said she's gorgeous. These are all things he has said to me about her and everytime he has said something about her we have been arguing at the time it was said. Now let me tell you I had NO problems with him having a female therapist/female friends!

So flash forward to now. With all of this throwing her up in my face, I'm confused. She's helped him as a friend and they talked about being more than friends years ago but why is he saying such things when he's angry? Why is she even being brought up? So NOW I'm uncomfortable with their "friendship"...I wasn't before. Never thought anything of it before. So yesterday when we argued and he said "she is loyal and that's something you know nothing about"...well excuse me but WTH? So I became defensive and gave him an ultimatum her or me..YES I know that was bad. She has helped him and been a part of his life for years but suddenly I'm uncomfortable and he of course blew up at the ultimatum. He said she is only a friend and he has no romantic interest in her whatsoever and if he wanted her he could have her. So if he's telling me one day how she would just run to him at the snap of his finger but their "just friends" that makes no sense to me. So now he's angry at me..calling me immature and insecure. I had NO problem with this woman until he made her a problem. He says she is no threat to me but doesn't he understand he made me feel threatened when he said those things? I don't want to be "that" girl who gives ultimatums. I'm understanding and I just am not sure what to do or how to handle this. It is very uncomfortable for me to think about us in a long term setting and him seeking advice from her maybe about our relationship and knowing that he's told me that she'd basically move in with him in a split second. See..it even sounds confusing? He is very upset with me and demands she is and never will be more than a friend and I feel like he created this. Let me just say, I do trust this man with all my heart and I do not even think for one second he'd ever cheat on me but his behavior over this has confused me.Any advice as to what to do here?

 

[Friday]

Try explaining it to him this way:

"Dude. You used her as a weapon, and then are shocked when I ask you to disarm."

Because you'd do that with anything, yes? Anything that gets used as a weapon, if you stayed past round 1, would need to never ever ever be used again. He chose the weapon. Not you.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh wow. Friendships between clients and therapists (even unpaid ones) can be super emotionally charged with lots of transference issues. Romantic relationships are a big no-no to even be considering, that's why it is grounds for her losing her license. He might be stuck in a trauma reenactment dance. It's good they closed the door on anything romantic, but it still sounds really unhealthy. When someone helps in a therapist kind of way, it's often that the one being helped has positive transference feelings and idealization of the therapist. It's why therapy has really strong boundaries. It's why friends who are therapists by professions, should only put on their therapist hat when they are in the therapy office and bound by the professional boundaries in place there.

He's comparing you to an idealized version of her. Therapists are trained to listen and be empathetic and to hold their own stuff back. Good for therapy, breeds being idealized, and is not so good for friendships. I think your gut instinct to be uncomfortable about this is a good one.

Let's put aside the fact that she is a therapist and she has helped him with a clinical problem without appropriate clinical boundaries. Let's say she is simply a female friend.

If you started comparing him to a guy friend, let's say guy friend you have spent lots of one-on-one time with, one that you had a lot of emotional intimacy with about your deepest darkest secrets, and started telling him how he didn't measure up to this guy friend you had that would die for you - - I bet he would be upset himself!

It's almost like he is trying to provoke a reaction from you - - then he gets upset with you for having one, and a very reasonable reaction. His behavior is very confusing, and your reaction sounds very normal given the situation.

Your ultimatum makes sense. It seems like you were trying to put a stop to the situation he is repeatedly putting you in by comparing you to her in such a way. I doubt he will give up the relationship with her very quickly or easily, especially if he does not have a normal regular boundaried professional therapist helping with him with his PTSD. I think it might be a more effective ultimatum to require he get such a therapist, or that you two go to couples counseling. Even then, it probably will take a lot of time and work to untangle how he is dragging their emotional enmeshment into your relationship. And any other therapist is likely to have significant alarm bells ring about how she is acting with him.

Your thread title asks if you should run or stay. I think if the relationship is worth some long term work to resolve this, and he is willing to put in that work, then it might be worth staying in the relationship.

That being said, it’s always precarious to stay in a relationship based on a hope that someone with change. He has shown a pattern of hurtfully comparing you to her when he gets angry, and it doesn’t sound like he has any awareness of how inappropriate his own actions are. In my opinion, it would be reasonable to run from this relationship.

 

[Springer80]

I don't want to be "that" girl who gives ultimatums.

What about not wanting to be 'that' girl who cow-tows to a partners ultimatums?

 

[Springer80]

Another thing, would anyone say those things to someone they loved and wanted to keep in their life? Could you imagine you saying those things to him? And if the shoe was on the other foot and you told him that you had someone on stand-by, that was so gorgeous and loyal and you could snap your fingers and they would come running; do you think he would stand for it for a second?

 

[NovemberStar]

Sorry, just reading the first paragraph alone, my head is screaming at you to RUN and NOT seek a closer relationship with this man. End it now and don't look back. Not unless you want more pain and more uncertainty.

Even from long-distance you fight, argue, things get very intense, AND he's recovering from PTSD ... THEN you throw in the friend / therapist .... Way too complicated.

I think instead of the question being 'do you get together / work on becoming closer' I think the question comes back to YOU - why, WHY would you want to put yourself through all of this? WHAT is it you're getting from this, and why is it ok for you to settle for second (or third or fourth) best in terms if what a healthy relationship would look like? Nothing from what you describe about this relationship sounds healthy.

I'd encourage you to literally write a plus and minus page - subjectively (!!!!) list all the good things about the relationship and then subjectively list all the worries, doubts, tensions, issues and dramas. If this was a close friend / family member, what would you be advising them to do? Stay and stick it out? Really????

There has to be more than 'when it's good it's really good' and "'but I love him - care about him', for a relationship to move forward / work / be healthy an fulfilling. Even the most unhealthy, dangerous, VIOLENT relationships have 'good parts' and 'honeymoon' patches. But it doesn't make it healthy or a good idea for either person to be in it.

Basically - you deserve more and better.

 

[nursenurse]

Short. RUN LIKE HELL! Slam the door, don't look back. Why you think you deserve this crappy treatment is beyond me. Over and out.

 

[StrongHeart]

You will always be filled with uncertainty if you stay with him. I would just say to him, "If she's that great, go for it." And I'd be out the door. I've been in that position before, and was very happy that I walked instead of staying to take more verbal abuse.