Relationship Do I Wait And See Or Leave, Am I Wasting My Time?

[living4jesus]

I have had a really bad weekend. I am fairly new here but I really need to vent and need some advice please.

Here is a quick background on my situation before I get into my situation this weekend: My fiancee has Combat PTSD. The first two years of our relationship was outstanding! We were engaged december 2009 and he was very excited to get married and have our blended family.However, the past year and half or so since his PTSD has reared its ugly head has been rough and is just getting worse.

The past month he has been extremly emotionally distant. He had a few good days here and there but for the most part he has shut me out. It has been almost a month since we have had a date or any alone time together.

This weekend he told me that he has to be honest with me and that he cannot ever get a house or marry me and live with me and my kids. He told me that he likes that he has days without any kids right now(he has joint custody of his boys and I have my kids full time). I told him that me and the kids are a package deal and why was he ok with this for all these years and now turning on me. And he told me "people change". What?! Are you serious! Then he goes on to say that he loves me and wants to be with me forever but cohabitating. Who wants to cohabitate for the rest of there lives seperate from someone? What about these precious kids of mine that know only him as a father and how will they feel knowing that he doesn't ever want to live with them. My son was crying tonight because his son told him that he heard him say that we are never getting a house together. My question is, is this just the PTSD? Will this go away? Will it get better? Will he ever be back to the way he was with our kids and in our relationship? Will he ever want to get a house and get married or am I just kidding myself now? Every day he tells me things like how he thanks God for me and he is so glad I am his best friend and the love of his life and how much he loves our family. So how can someone who says that one minute turn around the next minute and say they can't ever live with you and if you don't like it then move on. Who does that? This is not normal. And this hurts terribly. I have been up all night long and cannot sleep. My eyes are swollen with tears and my heart is in pieces. Am I wasting my time? Do I wait and pray for things to change or leave? Is this just his PTSD talking when he says he cannot ever live with us or is it just the cold hard truth? Any advice is welcomed, I am a mess and cannot sleep or eat or anything. :confused:

 

[wife of]

Only you can find the right solution for you.I would just remind you to take a look at it from his from the opposite perspective and think for a minute about what you would expect from him should the roles be reversed,would you expect him to stay or walk away? Thats how I'd make the choice,I don't think theres a wrong or right choice for you,just a need for you to be sure you can live with the one you make.

 

[Nicolette]

Dear living4jesus

All I can say to all your questions is this....."will it rain tomorrow?"..... my point is you don't know for sure and that is the situation you are currently in.

Yes, some of what you say he is saying is the PTSD talking but that doesn't mean it should be shunned away and dismissed as only the illness as the illness is every moment of his waking and sleeping life. PTSD talking can refer to hurtful things being said and being pushed away but PTSD is still a part of him.

While what he is saying to you is hurting you, you still have to take what he is saying as what it is and not try and interpret it any other way by using PTSD as an excuse.

I'm going to say a couple of things to you with the best intentions but you may not like what I am about to say.

However, the past year and half or so since his PTSD has reared its ugly head has been rough and is just getting worse.

This is a concern and something which must not be ignored.

This weekend he told me that he has to be honest with me and that he cannot ever get a house or marry me and live with me and my kids. He told me that he likes that he has days without any kids right now (he has joint custody of his boys and I have my kids full time).

Inline with the PTSD getting worse, it sounds like he needs time alone and isolation is a big factor to him in his current state. If he says he is being honest well then you have to take his word for it and not read anything else into it.

I told him that me and the kids are a package deal and why was he ok with this for all these years and now turning on me. And he told me "people change". What?! Are you serious!

You are not dealing with a normal person and such a shift can be attributed to PTSD. Who knows if this will change in the long or short term but for now he has changed.

Then he goes on to say that he loves me and wants to be with me forever but cohabitating. Who wants to cohabitate for the rest of there lives seperate from someone?

This is where you get to make your choices. He is being honest with you and saying what he can cope with you. It's up to you whether you accept these terms or not. They are hard ground rules to stomach if you have your heart set on more but also be aware you will never have a 'normal' relationship as PTSD never goes away. You might have a really good relationship but PTSD will rear its head at times.

What about these precious kids of mine that know only him as a father and how will they feel knowing that he doesn't ever want to live with them. My son was crying tonight because his son told him that he heard him say that we are never getting a house together.

Hearts get broken every day even when the man is the actual father of the children. All you can do is be there to support your children if their dreams are broken by this. I get it hurts, I get you don't want your children hurt but that is the risk you took with introducing a man into their lives, let alone one with PTSD. You can only be certain of yourself and do what you need to do to support and protect your children. The rest of your questions are unknown and uncertain.

This is not normal.

No it's not - it is a mental illness and you have to choose what your boundaries are. There is currently no cure for PTSD.

Sorry I could not give you hope but false hope is the last thing you need right now. You need your strength to do what is right for you and your children. If he follows or wants to be a part of your life you have to decide if you can accept his terms or him yours.

Good luck.

 

[Zipperhead]

I do know that kids can be frustrating at times. They can be loud, whiney, and even deliberately annoying. I have to tell you, they can really cause the symptoms of PTSD to come out. It can be frustrating, and an escape route might be appealing.

But you are a mother first. Period. His mental health is not their fault. He has to understand what he is asking you to do. He has his own Kids. He should recognise the hurt his actions can leave behind. Make sure he knows the choice is his. Make sure he feels welcome to join your little family. And if he doesn't make sure he recognises that the choice was his. Don't stop being a mother. Your kids need a stable house hold, and if he's not willing to give them that, you deserve better.

That doesn't mean it's over. Putting your thoughts and fealings out there could be what he needs to face up to his responsibilities. As much as PTSD effects us, it isn't our master. Throw him a life line, let him decide, and be there for your kids.

 

[Nicolette]

I will add one thought..... there was a time when Anthony's ex was giving him hell and I wore the brunt of his illness as we were living together. He sent me a text at work and left me a mess - I thought it was all over. By the time I had gone home, via seeing a counselor, Anthony had decided he wanted us to stay together, still loved me and wanted to do the co-habitation thing as you mentioned.

My view was that it was all or nothing..... I told him I understood his illness enough that he needed space however I said he could have the space at home and I would respect that. I told him I would not do the co-habitation thing as I was not going backwards nor was I going to put myself through that kind of stress. At least if he was home sick in bed I could know to leave him alone but I could not see that with him living somewhere else.

He chose to stay and the issue has never come up again - so that goes along the lines of what Zipperhead is saying.

Anthony says children relax him and they are innocent yet I see the stress they place on his life. Even my teenager who is hardly home cause angst let alone younger dependent children. I don't know the answer. I question why Anthony had more children knowing he had PTSD and he says he was ill at the time. I don't know how it is for everyone but when we chose to not have children together one of my deciding factors was that I didn't want to end up being a single mum; which was on the cards as I saw them. That being said Anthony loves his kids dearly but I just don't know if he would have coped indefinitely where I could count on him if we had had a child together.

 

[Zipperhead]

One more thing to think about. Kids can be mean. What ever his son said to your son, was it taken out of context, did it come from him or his ex, and did your son understand the meaning correctly? Don't blame your sufferer until you understand what really happened.

As a sufferer, I can understand the need to get away and isolate. But it isn't an everyday thing. Make sure he understands that he will have room to heal, even if you join together. Maybe he just feels trapped. Letting him know you don't expect him to be there every minute might help as well.

 

[Whereveryougo]

I had to touch on this one because I am also a package deal and my Vet (Staff Sgt) likes to run my house military style (which I like for the most part keeps it organized) however, just last night when my 6yr old daughter fell and hurt herself he said "whenever you walk you should know you could fall and get hurt" WTF seriously she is 6... So needless to say when I loved on her it just pissed him off. Zipperhead you may be able to help with this one:) Why does that piss him off? I should tell you my 6 yr old was not having a good night she fell off chair an hr later and the first thing my Vet says is damn that was a hard one and starts babying her himself hmmmm. Now at times they bring the symptoms of the PTSD out and I constantly watch for signs but Living4Jesus please know just because he feels that way now doesnt mean next week he will not be ready depends if his triggers are high right now. My Vet almost left yesterday because I let him fall asleep on the couch;)

 

[Zipperhead]

This is a hard one. You deserve an answer, but please do not read between the lines here.

I have seen kids, sitting at the side of the road. Far skinier than any human has the right to be. Watching me as I let loose an some smuck that was stupid enough to shoot at me. I don't know if they knew that guy. For all I know it was their brother. And yet, they weren't crying. I destroyed their crops. Idiots fault for hiding in a grape field. And yet, the did not cry. I levelled there grape hut, used for drying their grapes. And yet they did not cry.

So when my seven year old crys over a broken toy, I have to fight the urge to hit him. And it is a strong urge Wherever. When he complains that dinner isn't cooked to his satisfaction, it destroys me. And when he whines because he has to do some chore, it infuriates me.

But when he falls, and I know it must have hurt, I'm still his Dad. No kid should be in pain. I guess it's just my perception of what justifies pain. It's a toy, get over it. So what if someone pushed you? Does it really matter? Okay, I'm an insensitive bast###, but at the end of the day, I don't want him to be in physical pain. And I don't want to ever see him on the side of a road, wondering if he's going to get something to eat tonight.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Our priorities are different from the average human. Blunt to the rude; we worry about things most people wont think of.

 

[Zipperhead]

I seem to have wandered into the supporters area here again. Sorry. Sometimes I see something and in piques the interest. I must say though that this seems to be a really good discussion, and an honest attempt at understanding. I wish my wife would come see this thread.

 

[Prettysmile]

Living4jesus. Wow this is a tough one. All I can say is pray about it. Ask god to guide your footsteps. Then be patient. Dont force the issue. I understand your point of view and I understand his. deep sigh. I know it sounds cheesy but in time things will fall in to place where they belong.

In the meantime; when he is ready to talk about this topic again. I would see if you guys can atleast come up with a compromise. Allow him to get his space when he needs his space and designate where that will be.. A motel down the street, I dont know. I am just throwing out ideas. But personally, I dont think living in two separate household throughout a marriage is healthy. That wouldnt be a normal marriage, but due to the circumstance I guess you can make exceptions. But like I said pray for answers. (((((((living4jesus))))))))))

 

[Whereveryougo]

Zipperhead! Thank you it is a lot better to comprehend why the hot and cold coming from a vet perspective! So I think I like you wandering over her to the supporters side. I too have wondered to your side also:) You should invite your wife. My Vet gave me a PTSD book after about a month of dating and told me "You can't handle me". Do not ever tell me I can't lol. Now I read it all...