Relationship Do I Wait And See Or Leave, Am I Wasting My Time?

[Navy Spouse]

I have no answers. I couldn't make my husband stay and after 3 months I havn't been able to get him to return. I've seen improvements in him, we have a good time when were together as a family, he calls everyday, says I love you, has stopped telling me I deserve someone better and gets jealous if he thinks someone else looked at me.????????

I do still at times see the symptoms of his PTSD and I guess not living with him I don't really know how much he suffers when he's by himself. I've told him we don't need him perfect we just need him home. I've offered to sleep in a different room, told him to feel free to get out of the house when he needs to get away for awhile, or I would take the kids out, but I can't get him home.

He wants us to see a family counselor, I'm hoping that helps. He said he wants to be home, he's just not ready.

Hearing so many people say living separate when married isn't normal was like another stab in my heart.......even though I know.

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you so much everyone for your input. My laptop was down for a few days. I hear what you are all saying. I know that it is all uncertain. I see that some days he is great and other days are bad. It's the bad days that get me down, really down. I get paranoid, I think its partially because I previously was in an abusive marriage and was cheated on alot in that marriage and all the feelings that I had from my past abusive marriage come into play when he is having a bad PTSD day and I get paranoid that he is cheating(he is far from a cheater) and I get fearful of him(he has never hurt me) and it is just plain and simply hard for me to deal with emotionally. I am over sensitive too. I have been working on becomming less codependant and more independant. And I am in counseling for my own issues.

 

[living4jesus]

Dear living4jesus
Inline with the PTSD getting worse, it sounds like he needs time alone and isolation is a big factor to him in his current state. If he says he is being honest well then you have to take his word for it and not read anything else into it.

You are not dealing with a normal person and such a shift can be attributed to PTSD. Who knows if this will change in the long or short term but for now he has changed.

This is where you get to make your choices. He is being honest with you and saying what he can cope with you. It's up to you whether you accept these terms or not. They are hard ground rules to stomach if you have your heart set on more but also be aware you will never have a 'normal' relationship as PTSD never goes away. You might have a really good relationship but PTSD will rear its head at times.
.

I try to take what he says as his word but it is hard when he changes back and forth. Except the house situation. We both have taken that completley off the table for now, we are just taking it one day at a time. If I would have known his PTSD was going to get this bad when I met him I probably would have ran like heck. But we did not even know he had PTSD until the past two years, so the first two years were so different. And now I am paranoid over everything, I am letting his PTSD effect my emotions and I am trying my hardest not to.He had been keeping his combat PTSD inside for 20 years(since the gulf war) and it seems like it just erupted out of no where. I have heard it gets worse before it gets better. And he is on the combat PTSD forum on here and really finds that helpful, but he is not in any counseling currently. It seems as if he has almost accepted that this is who he is and he discovered himself as this now and is accepting it as a way of life with no desire to get better. He did go to counseling for 6 weeks but then the insurance cancelled it. He says he is going to look into going some more when his insurance changes. I hope and pray he does because the VA has been no help to him with this. All the help he has had is the support groups.

Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, but then he has a good day and its like he is back to himself again. I am so confused and just rambling now, I am sorry I just dont know what to do, or what decision is the right one to make. I wanna cry and scream all at once. :confused:

 

[living4jesus]

In the meantime; when he is ready to talk about this topic again. I would see if you guys can atleast come up with a compromise. Allow him to get his space when he needs his space and designate where that will be.. A motel down the street, I dont know. I am just throwing out ideas. But personally, I dont think living in two separate household throughout a marriage is healthy. That wouldnt be a normal marriage, but due to the circumstance I guess you can make exceptions. But like I said pray for answers. (((((((living4jesus))))))))))

Thanks Prettysmile. Actually we currently live in seperate homes right now, we are engaged and probably will remain that way forever at this point.We were talking about getting a house and moving in together but as of the past year this has been put on hold due to the PTSD. Some days he pushes me away completley other days he does not. So that is where I was confused if I should wait for him to come around or move on. After reading all of this and doing alot of praying, I am going to give it to God and just take it one day at a time right now. I know that I do not want to leave him and when he has good days he has great days and is the best but when he has bad days it is just terrible. I have been praying alot for answers and I feel like God keeps telling me to just wait.But I have setup boundaries for myself and we have designated when he needs his space then I give him his space. I am working on being more assertive and less codependant in the meantime too. I am so used to his lovey dovey affection that when the times come and he isn't that way it is so awkward for me that I start looking to see what is wrong with myself and start picking myself apart, which I know is wrong, it's not me. So I am also working on my self esteem. I know its not me, it has helped when he lets me know that it is not me and he loves me and he is sorry. So communication is helping this situation as well.

I just pray for strength and wisdom to actually hear what he is saying and not just what I want to hear either.

 

[living4jesus]

Only you can find the right solution for you.I would just remind you to take a look at it from his from the opposite perspective and think for a minute about what you would expect from him should the roles be reversed,would you expect him to stay or walk away? Thats how I'd make the choice,I don't think theres a wrong or right choice for you,just a need for you to be sure you can live with the one you make.

Thank you Wife Of,

I have been thinking about this, and honestly I am not sure what I would do. I am more of a passive person so I couldn't see myself ever doing this, but if I did I would expect him to stay as long as he was activley seeking help and working on getting better . So I guess as long as I see him trying to heal and get better I will stick by his side. It is really hard when my friends tell me I need to leave him or when they say to me " how long will you wait for him ?". They do not know anything about PTSD and it is very frustrating for me to try to explain it to them so I try to just avoid them all in general which is not good I know.

 

[wife of]

Ahhhh,friends,all you can do is try to educate them,I've had to lose a few for thier negative input and downright refusal to even try to understand.On the other hand I have found the most understanding in the most suprising places.
Don't isolate yourself from all of your friends and for your own sake don't just rely on those you think you are closest to for advice.
Sometimes the best advice comes from people who dont know you as well as your best friends.
Close friends and family will have a less then objective opinion.

 

[living4jesus]

I agree with you Wife Of.

I have a few great friends that are very understanding and give great advice. But it gets frustrating when nobody understands what it is all about.

My cousin who is like my best friend, more like a sister to me, is very protective of me. Probably because she has seen me go thru alot of hurt in my past marriage that was abusive, so she tends to be more of a negative person and doesn't want to understand his PTSD, she just wants to see me happy. Which I get and I won't shut my friends out completley but I think like you said the best advice comes from those who don't know you.

I have found this site very helpful. People are honest and give realistic advice and answers and I don't take it personally because I don't know them personally. I really like it.

 

[living4jesus]

I know what you mean Navy Spouse. I never have lived with my fiancee but we were going to buy a house together and get married, we were supposed to this past July, but that did not work out.

Then we post poned the wedding to 2012 summer, but now that is not a possibility either.

Although this week he has stopped saying negative things to me about our future, and tells me he loves me still constantly and we have been having a great time when we are together.

So I feel your pain. I cannot imagine how it would be if we were married and living in a home and he moved out for a while. I feel rejected because he says he doesnt see us getting a house in the future, and we never have had a house together yet. So for us everything is just haulted for now. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling with your husband not home.I am praying for you. ((Hugs))

 

[Navy Spouse]

Thank you l4j, It is painful. I have a hard time at the beginning of every month when he pays his rent payment and I see he's not coming home.

I said he had stopped saying to me I deserve someone better and now I have to take it back. Yesterday he said to me "It's not what I want, but sometimes I think you would be better off with someone else." I told him I believe he deserves to be with the family he created and I would be an awful person if I walked away because he can't give 100% of himself due to the trauma he's been through.

All I want is an opportunity to make this "new" relationship work and strengthen it from there.

 

[living4jesus]

Oh I know how you feel Navy Spouse. Even tho I am not living with my fiancee he goes thru the same thing with me.

Some weeks he tells me "maybe I should just man up and end this with you because you deserve someone better" . I thin it is becaus they think they do not deserve to be loved or with someone who loves them. The whole reject before you are rejected theory. I think deep down they just don't feel that they deserve to be loved or with someone. Just my thoughts on this. I am continuously praying for you Navy Spouse, God will give you the strength and comfort during these trying times.

This week so far has been a good week for us relationship wise. But It is like waiting for a bomb to go off, I don't know when it is going to be bad again. So I just wait and am on guard always because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

 

[living4jesus]

Thanks Zipperhead, you are absolutley right.

This week has been better and the other day when I brought it up to him he said "I don't want to ever be without you and the kids, lets just take things one day at a time right now". So that was good. I need to put it out there more like you said because my kids do deserve it! Thanks again for your advice.:)

 

[Navy Spouse]

l4j, Thank you once again for your kind words. You had said you think deep down they don't feel they deserve to be loved. I have felt that way myself. I have asked my husband if he misses us when he's away. His answer was "I miss alot of things, I miss you, I miss the girls, I miss the dog." My answer to him was "Quit punishing yourself for doing the job you were sent to do." I really do feel like he's doing just that, even though he may not know that's what he's doing.

It's sad that when they come home they can't find the peace they need to live a "normal" life.

It is so much more lonely now then it was when he was deployed. During his deployment I worried about him everyday and I missed him but its so much harder to know at night after I put the kids to bed that he's 20 minutes down the road choosing to be alone. Its time we'll never get back.