Do Others Wonder Why We Are Here

[mamachick]

Maybe I would be asking this question in my middle age years even if I did not have ptsd, but the thoughts have followed my reactivated symptoms.
I get up in the morning and do the same thing I did the day before. It seems that the meaning of life has been taken away-I have lived in the moment prior to symptoms. I had hopes, goal, expectations-none of which I have now. It doesnt feel like depression but could be compared to. Lack of interest in things once interested in. Or have I just discovered that those things arent that important.

 

[Gamereign555]

Good topic. I have also felt that my past goals now seem mountains away and that just being content with not experiencing stress and pain is good enough. All I can do is take care of myself and try to gain some ground before my next bad phase, even the notion of setting a goal seems, fruitless because I just don't have much emotion behind wanting those things for myself anymore.
I know it is possible to feel accomplishment even now though, its just about finding those things that give you that feeling. We are all different people than we once were that is a fact, so undiscovered interests might be just around the corner.

 

[intothelight]

I can only speak from my own viewpoint. Life has changed me, and PTSD has put some new variables into the mix. I cannot do what I did previously, but in some ways it is not a bad thing.

I know that I have to find a "new" future that is a reflection of who I am, not who I was or thought I was suppose to be. It is just finding that path that is really hard. I feel that my world changed and I am the proverbial round peg in a square hole, and I need to go find round holes.

 

[mamachick]

I have always believed that life is about "relating", "relationships" , and doing the best we can in all of them. Regardless of our job, most of us have communicated with people in some way. For me, when I say relating, I mean every relationship from partners, siblings, parents, children etc, to the grocery clerk, our kids teacher, the receptionist at the doctor, etc. Significant and the not so significant relationships. So I guess I am saying that I thought life was about "love".

I dont mean to sound so corny. Life was good for the most part. Live with compassion, patience, understanding, empathy, calmness, passion, caring, gratitude, acceptance, etc. That is love.

Now I feel that those very characteristics listed above cause others to lie, cheat, abuse, neglect, injure, assault, steal, rape, etc. I do not know how to relate to others and be distrusting, suspicious, intolerant of others behaviours. It leaves me wondering "what am I here for " if I do not want to "relate" to others, if I do not have the ability to see the good in all. Most of the time, I prefer to do things alone, be alone, and avoid contact with others. I do not even want to go to the grocery store.

I feel like I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, and no purpose. I lost my physical health, career, family, safety, trust. Is the purpose to regain these things? again? only to loose them again?

Maybe I will re-read "Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. I know I found it inspiring many years ago.

Am I just being negative and sounding depressed. I dont feel depressed. I think this is reality but am considering that it could be very distorted.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I guess I am lucky. I am living for my kids. That is all I can focus on at the moment, trying to make things better so they don't end up like me.

I just don't understand how things are going to get better though. The memories of horrible things and flashbacks and panic attacks seem to be getting worse. I try to think positive but somehow the negative creeps in. I am OK in public, in fact, my public persona seems to be getting better and better and shining at the moment, but, at home and on my own and with my kids I seem to be falling apart.

I am observing myself being triggered by so much stuff now. I just can't see how anything is going to change for the better.

How am I going to climb that mountain and manage all of this. It just seems so overwhelming. I get over something and the next thing happens and actually, there are often multiple things at once.

So, if it weren't for my kids. I just don't see what I am supposed to be.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I have always believed that life is about "relating", "relationships" , and doing the best we can in all of them. I dont mean to sound so corny. Life was good for the most part. Live with compassion, patience, understanding, empathy, calmness, passion, caring, gratitude, acceptance, etc. That is love.

Now I feel that those very characteristics listed above cause others to lie, cheat, abuse, neglect, injure, assault, steal, rape, etc.

Yes, that is it. I always wanted to have compassion. I tried to have compassion for the ones I loved.

But they used that to suck me dry. They just viewed me as a puppet. They want me there with them so they can control me. They have no compassion themselves so they suck it out of you. They manipulate you and drain you till you are nothing but a shell and you can give no more, but still you try, because you think it is your fault that there must be something you can do to make it better for them. But nothing is ever enough. They will never have enough because they are souless.

So how can you trust anyone else, how can you be compassionate with anyone else when you know that there are people just waiting to suck more out of you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I felt the same brat and then found that the (next) step or conclusion was to choose to live life with the same priorities extended to and when (many) people will respond that way.

I'd be a hypocrite to say it gives me a 'reason' to live, though, only a daily 'way', if I choose.

But I don't think there is anything 'lacking' in you except for what fills the losses. I just don't know the answer to that one. :(
(((((((brat)))))

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I know that I'm also dealing with a flare of depression...I get sort of a 'flatline' of emotions. Not good or bad, just nothing. I'm having lots of triggers also. Over the years, I've learned that my depression is managed and not cured. As there is a huge genetic component to depression...sometimes I feel trapped by my genes. I thought by 54, I would have been better than this! Of course, living with my elderly parents doesn't help.

This 'round' is tied to some hormone therapy, and severe abd pain that will need surgery after the hormones. I'm trying to manage it, but it's different. Apathy is my emotion for today, so far. I'm going to do a couple things that might help, Turn on some upbeat music, pick up a few things to feel useful, and trying not to back to bed.

My goal for today is stay out of the past, and future. And staying in the A/C!

 

[mamachick]

Lizio-I can completely relate. Many years ago, my main goal was to change the family cycle in raising my kids. I lived for them also. They were my life. They were doing very well and life was very good. I ventured out and expanded my goals and for many years was living them with integrity. When they were teens, stuff began to happen. I was stalked. A relative was murdered. A child relative was molested and I had to report-he got 90 days in jail for molesting 2 chidren under age 5. Then I had a bad accident that gave me a brain injury, broken rib, collapsed lung, and ptsd or reactivation of symptoms. Then I befriended a recovering alcoholic in my poor judgement. Through that I was abused, harrassed, tormented, threatened. Then a cop friend of his assaulted me in the name of the law in my own home. This has caused injuries to my arms and to my face. I did not have the strength to litigate so just let it go. One of my daughters joined a mormon cult and does not have contact with the family. Another daughter was sexually harrassed in high school by a teacher-nothing happened but probation but 2 yrs later he stalked another girl and was fired. I took in a teen who's mother had cancer after the accident, she since graduated too. I took in the molested child-she is now back with dad who doesnt know how to protect her-its the law though. I got a settlement for my accident after 3 years but was in such debt from not working. The negligence that caused the accident-some were honest in depositions but the attorneys are ruthless. My attorney did not tell me I was diagnosed with ptsd from this-must of thought I would get less and that means crazy. Defendants blame victim in accidnts -nearly always, defending yourself will make you crazy.

Sorry to ramble. The kids grow up and leave and your job will be done. I am all for any reason for life-whatever works. I just know that we all must have something for ourselves. I see others that have not had these traumas but suffer empty nest and feel useless in the middle age-which comes quickly. I hope you find another reason for life before your kids grow up.

 

[mamachick]

Junebug-I think your daily way of life is right on. I try to do the same but sometimes it is far and few between contact with people who have something positive to share. To the extent that I even get really emotional when someone surprises me by a kind gesture (the smallest thing even)

On an upbeat note-I know in my heart that nothing is lacking and that I am suppose to learn something from this. I am sure that I am suppose to stand my ground and hold on to my beliefs about how to treat people and hold them more accountable for their actions and not accept bad behavior. I am meant to find some "meaning" in life in the face of all the bad that has happened and still find the good in others. My roots/core is strong and and the answers lie within me-just have no idea where-lol

 

[mamachick]

I know that I'm also dealing with a flare of depression...I get sort of a 'flatline' of emotions. Not good or bad, just nothing. I'm having lots of triggers also. Over the years, I've learned that my depression is managed and not cured. As there is a huge genetic component to depression...sometimes I feel trapped by my genes. I thought by 54, I would have been better than this! Of course, living with my elderly parents doesn't help.

This 'round' is tied to some hormone therapy, and severe abd pain that will need surgery after the hormones. I'm trying to manage it, but it's different. Apathy is my emotion for today, so far. I'm going to do a couple things that might help, Turn on some upbeat music, pick up a few things to feel useful, and trying not to back to bed.

My goal for today is stay out of the past, and future. And staying in the A/C!

 

[mamachick]

I love your goal for today. I am going to do the same.
I am not on hormone therapy bust should be. Too much meds to keep up with. I am also in that menopause state which makes ptsd more difficult in my opinion. Thanks for your post. I can certainly relate