News Do We Live In A "rape Culture"?

[Britt.f7]

I met a Sociologist who had rape victims tape verbally, we couldn't be seen, what the rape or attack did to us and replayed it to groups of young men who were incarcerated. It wasn't easy to do as I was still very matter of fact about what happened to me.

I have told my boys, when they were teenagers(still are) what has happened to me. I hope they realize that no is no. I hope I have taught them that stop means stop. I hope I have taught them well.

I don't care if the person has put on a strip tease for you, male or female, no is no.

@Solara One of my attackers was a woman and a sitter for us. To the day my mom died she refused to talk about it. Only to say she called up the girls parents to tell them she was crazy and to keep her away from us children. She never reported it. It was during the 70's. You, unfortunately or fortunately, are not alone.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Not only are rape victims reminded of their own traumas, but must then endure their family members laughing at these jokes.

It's uncomfortable to watch TV with people when these jokes come on because I can't decide if I should laugh with them or not... especially since I don't want them to know that I've been raped before. If they know I've been raped before then I blush with embarrassment at their awkward silence. If I laugh at the joke, I am even more ashamed.

Sometimes, just being allowed to say or hear the word "rape" on TV makes me feel better. The silence is stifling, suffocating, painful.

I once sat in a NYC comedy club with 3 other women, and about 5 men in the audience, while a woman was on stage "inviting" men to rape women. Her "humor" was so disgusting, that I couldn't figure out her message or her reasoning for it. It was impossible to find humor in the things she said because I couldn't identify with her at all. So, I just turned and stared down all the men in the club... hopefully they were as uncomfortable as I was. In the meantime, one of the women I was with had had enough! And stormed out of the club... alone. My GOD! I was like, Jesus Christ!! Here's this woman on stage, basically giving permission to men in the room to rape at will... and then, a woman I came here with is leaving ALONE to stand outside this NYC club ALONE!

WTF? Right?

So, I'm torn... follow her outside because 2 is safer than 1... even though 2 can be gang raped with little inconvenience to the men; or stay in the club with the ASSHOLE women that I came with who want to ARGUE with the woman on stage and confront the men in the club?

So, I walked out with the friend. I couldn't let her go alone. I couldn't live with myself if she had ended up missing. I was really pissed that the other women didn't just leave with me... let that "comedian" fend for herself.

We stood out on the street, with the bouncer. I swear, I don't know why people think they are safe.

Anyway, enjoy the rape jokes. Rape was really funny to all my rapists too. They all laughed and laughed and laughed! They reminisced about the other times they raped, and the expressions on the girls' faces. One rapist laughed at the memory of the little kid's look on his face when his mom was being raped. And he laughed at the mom as he remembered her telling the kid "It's okay, sweetheart. Mommy's okay." basically teaching the kid that the experience was normal.

Particularly funny to each and every rapist, was how they got away with it. How they minimized it. How they blamed it on the victim. How society pitied them and worried about their reputations. How easy it was to manipulate everyone because no one really wanted to have that conversation in the first place. How exciting it was that THEY weren't BLAMED for the conversation!! How much pain the conversation itself caused others... and how others responded ANGRILY to whomever brought up the conversation... Usually victims of rape... Or their families.

 

[Britt.f7]

I do not find rape jokes humorous at all.

 

[ill]

I remember reading a study where a group of university men were asked if they would ever rape someone. They mostly answered no. The question was then rephrased to exclude the term rape but described rape and something like 1/4 or more answered yes. This is what terrifies me. I think there are some people who understand and know that they are committing rape but I think a far larger portion do not fully comprehend that they have.

I would really love it if children were taught to develop a robust respect for boundaries and consent at a very early age. That they are allowed to have whatever boundaries they have and that they must respect other people's boundaries. I also really wish that women especially were taught that it's okay to be "mean" and "bitchy" and forceful about their boundaries just because I feel like there are/were moments when someone violated my boundaries but I don't/didn't know how to handle it "politely" and sometimes that meant I didn't know how to handle it at all. I wish I'd believed that I was allowed to have my boundaries and to enforce them however I deemed necessary.

 

[Britt.f7]

@ill, I tried to teach that to any little children I encountered over the years. I let them approach me. I backed off if they seemed uncomfortable. I never forced them to hug or kiss me. I made sure my kids boundaries were respected too. I kind of have the reputation now of the non fun aunt. Definitely not the demonstrative one. I just wanted them to know it was okay to say no.

 

[ill]

I think that's pretty amazing of you, Britt. And even if you do have the reputation of "non fun aunt", I wonder if they've internalized it positively anyway and if they also know that they can go to you when there's a crisis/problem. That's how I imagine it. If I'd had someone like that in my life, I think I would've considered them a safe harbour. So even if you can't always see the positive effects, I think they're probably there, and it may not be my place, but thank you. I wish I could convey how very much it means to me to know that there are aunts and parents and just people in the world like you. It makes me feel hopeful and I find it really healing. Thank you.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm so proud of Art Alexakis for naming his traumas. I love his songs "Father of Mine" and "Wonderful"

http://www.bravemissworld.com/

I'm not sure if I've posted a link to this documentary or not, but I'm really excited to see it.

 

[Muzikluvr]

[DLMURL]http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2014/02/04/make-believe-survivor-childhood-sexual-abuse/[/DLMURL]

• "What I am seeing, with Dylan Farrow’s recent open letter concerning the abuse she says she suffered at the hands of her father, is that a lot of people do not believe that we adult survivors live among them. But we are here."

• "This is the enduring story of rape culture, the eternal lie: Give us the perfect victim, and we will believe you! That’s all they’re asking for—just one perfect victim, and then we can talk about all of this rationally! Send us someone we don’t have so many concerns about! This is a great deceit, and it is borne out of a cultural narrative that has no place for listening, only a place for victim-blaming, only a place for reinforcing stories that do not too terribly upset our Friday night movie binges."

 

[Muzikluvr]

[DLMURL]http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2014/02/woody-allen-sex-abuse-10-facts[/DLMURL]

http://gawker.com/who-wants-to-remember-bill-cosbys-multiple-sex-assaul-1515923178

http://www.businessinsider.com/r-kelly-sexual-assault-details-2013-12

This is what our culture does, openly, when the predator is rich, famous, well-respected, powerful, influential, an employer, etc...

It is the same thing families do to prevent the allegations being heard - or believed - outside of the family...and inside the family. If the predator is the patriarch... the family behaves very much like the public, prosecutors, media, and fans behave in these excused predator cases.

This is validating evidence of the abuse cycle in our culture.

The way we handle victim's accusations in public is the same as they're handled in private. Change the way we handle this testimony publicly, and give a voice to those who don't want to believe the accusations privately (but secretly do). Help the loving family members expose their beloved predator.

 

[Muzikluvr]

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...ism?utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=twitterfeed

When rape victims feel pressured to ignore the spine tingling sensation they get when they meet a misogynist, because he is well liked and he's just cracking jokes... he'd never actually rape anyone. Not anyone who counted anyway.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

We live in a blind eye culture. A culture in denial willing to turn a blind eye and blame victims. Blaming the victim is a dysfunctional defense mech giving society a dysfunctional ability to ignore harsh realities. Rape is considered a fact of life. "It happens" nonsense. Yeah..it does... Society as a whole has to be willing to solve the problem instead of viewing it as an unfortunate expectation they can do nothing about.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Society as a whole has to be willing to solve the problem instead of viewing it as an unfortunate expectation they can do nothing about.

Very well put!