Do y'all place equal blame on parents who contributed to abuse?

[sprout]

I find myself blaming my mom much more than my dad. I never thought of my dad as emotionally abusive or emotionally incestuous like my mom but he was there throughout my entire childhood when these things were happening and doesn't seem to have stopped them. But I don't get mad at him like I do at my mom. I don't feel resentful towards him. I also don't blame him for the neglect that led to my CSA even though they could have both prevented it, theoretically anyway. I don't see him as having the same warning sign info as my mom, though.
My mom was much more active in negative ways so I see why I'm madder at her but my dad was also overly passive but I still don't lay equal blame or anger on him. I don't quite understand why yet. Does anyone else notice themselves blaming one parent more than the other even though they're technically both involved?

 

[Fadeaway]

I put far more blame on my grandmother than my grandfather. I realise know though that he was much more aware and capable of doing something about it than he ever admitted too. He was a product of his generation. I suspect that is the case for you, but I also understand the need to believe one of your parents was more innocent than the other.

 

[mumstheword]

I blame my mum far more than my Dad, my mum was abusive, whereas my Dad was just neglectful. My Dad has Aspergers/High Functioning Autism so I excuse him, a bit, for that. Also, my mum took me away from him and exposed me to other abusive people, as well as being abusive, herself.

 

[Kubash16]

I have a tendency to demonize my mother and idealize my father. Which isn’t fair because frankly both of them were abusive in their own ways, equally damaging. I have moved out of idealism with him quite a bit in the last year. I had to really sit down and be real about how he was. Prior to that I did a lot of excusing because of his upbringing. But he had ample opportunity to get help and chose not to.

 

[Nessa7]

Even though my father is much more directly involved in my traumatic events, I am angrier at my mother because my dad seems to be sorrier.

 

[grit]

I blame my mother way more but in therapy I am realizing that my dad's passivity, probably his gas-lighting, cheating, and generally not loving my mother (which I can also understand) contributed to my isolation under my mother's harsh treatment.
Interestingly though, I also got this weird feeling (from therapy processing) that I sort of put my father on pedastal because he was there but not abused by my mother. It was almost as if he gave me a glimpse of human not being abused. So to my younger eyes, I felt when I grow up, I want to go where dad goes everyday - AWAY FROM MOM.
It is almost like if I idolized dad to survive while demonizing my mother so that way at least one side of me survives this death grip.
I think if I would as a child saw both mom and dad as abusive, I would have been more damaged today psychologically speaking. So that is my meaning out of my story.
As an adult though, I truly see my dad was accomplice and saved his own butt rather than ours (my siblings and I). I think he liked mom was taking her anger on us than him.

 

[whiteraven]

I used to not blame my dad at all. For awhile, I finally started feeling angry with him and I occasionally blame him now for a life I missed. Never blamed my mom, but saw her as more of a victim.

Now...I've let go of most of all of that. Guess I am beginning to realize that blaming someone is really a waste of my time and energy.

 

[mamachick]

I too moved away from the blame a long time ago. They did what they knew how to do, even if it was inadequate parenting, abusive and neglectful. The mental health issues and addiction played a large role. After my kids were grown and I experience "real" depression, I understood better how it felt to not be able to get out of bed and do the things kids need. I thought I knew that before but I only got the occasional blues when my kids were growing up. Real depression and anxiety came after the empty nest.

 

[Ronin]

I blame them more for what they did to my siblings, if anything.

& For how hard they botched my attempts at raising my younger brother right.

 

[sprout]

I put far more blame on my grandmother than my grandfather. I realise know though that he was much more aware and capable of doing something about it than he ever admitted too. He was a product of his generation. I suspect that is the case for you, but I also understand the need to believe one of your parents was more innocent than the other.

Wow I've never thought of it like this! My dad is definitely my "hypothetical safe parent"

 

[sprout]

I too moved away from the blame a long time ago. They did what they knew how to do, even if it was inadequate parenting, abusive and neglectful. The mental health issues and addiction played a large role. After my kids were grown and I experience "real" depression, I understood better how it felt to not be able to get out of bed and do the things kids need. I thought I knew that before but I only got the occasional blues when my kids were growing up. Real depression and anxiety came after the empty nest.

I think I'm mostly passed the anger phase too. Now I'm trying to understand how the things they did then affect me now. I've also been thinking a lot about why they were the way they were. They did "the best" they knew how even if it wasn't enough. I've been looking at it through a generational trauma lens and it makes me more sympathetic towards them and also makes me feel less alone because I feel connected to my community/raza more because I know we've faced similar family battles.

I blame them more for what they did to my siblings, if anything.

& For how hard they botched my attempts at raising my younger brother right.

I still don't know how to help my sister and don't know if she'll ever be okay. It's the thing that makes me angriest and most resentful.

 

[mumstheword]

Y

I used to not blame my dad at all. For awhile, I finally started feeling angry with him and I occasionally blame him now for a life I missed. Never blamed my mom, but saw her as more of a victim.

Now...I've let go of most of all of that. Guess I am beginning to realize that blaming someone is really a waste of my time and energy.

Yeah, I decided to just feel grateful to my mum for the gift of life and my ex, the same (he fathered my children) and use that as a foundation. It feels much better than the contrary.