Do You Ever Heal Enough To Stop?

[ms spock]

I'm never going to do it. I know that. So WHY WHY WHY do I still have days where I can barely breathe for wanting to do it?

Will there ever come a day where it stops? Anybody?

What type of emotional regulation or managing of your feelings do you do?

If you have an unhelpful way of managing your emotions and they are so overpowering that you feel ending it is the only way through, you need to find other ways of managing your thoughts and feelings. It is not easy I know.

I have major battles with suicidal ideation at times. I have since I was about 8 years old. It was a way of managing not going crazy in an unbearable situation.

I do have times when it is not so bad. It takes time.

What does the support structure look like in your life? Do you have a mental health professional that you are work with? Do you exercise? Do you have crisis lines you can ring for contact when you are feeling like you can't keep yourself safe? Are you reading about Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy DBT? Do you practice mindfulness? Do you have a list of grounding techniques to assist you to calm down and self soothe? Are you able to meditate, for say 5 minutes per day?

There is lots of good information in the articles section on this forum.

I wish you well. It is a hard struggle.

As I am pretty emotionally unregulated I have a great deal of difficulty managing the Suicidal Ideation, or SI as I call it in my diary and in a few threads.

 

[Sally sue]

Yes, we are very fragile when we are feeling/thinking about not being able to bare much more! I totally understand this, and how frustrating it is! I think the frustrating part comes from, for me, that the thoughts of SI don't seem to be coming directly from my conscious mind! It's like there's a voice always whispering in my ear. No matter how much I tell these thoughts to "shut up!" they just keep coming back :(.

I remember clearly how I felt when a friend of mine killed themselves and their family, so I remind myself how I don't want to make others feel such terrible pain and sadness, but that doesn't help me feel better : / .

And, how can we just tell ourselves to "accept ourselves" or "see the good in life" when things hurt so much? The thing that's been helping me lately is working with the T and practicing butterfly taps at home while feeling compassion for someone else, and then letting that compassion move through me. It sounds rather strange that I have to feel compassion for someone else, to try and apply that compassion to myself, but I was not raised to see myself as worthy and lovable, so I have to learn.

I hope this helps a little :). You are not alone, or unworthy of life or happiness!

Breathe, hold on, and keep posting :),
Sally Sue

 

[WillyKat]

As you can see, a lot of us have been there, and add me to the list.

In addition to the good advice from other posters, I'd like to focus on the 'slay the monster' theme.

Something that helped me a lot was realizing that the monster must be slain with a thousand little cuts instead of one ultimate, final, death slice aimed at its neck. Take a moment to breathe, and instead of going for the jugular, wound it a little, then again. Spread some marbles on the floor where it walks. Pee in its water dish. Unplug its refrigerator.

All the while, go easier on yourself. Give yourself a break and know that you don't have to slay the beast Hollywood style. If you can cut it a little, fine. If not, make its life a little more miserable by living well yourself.

That is one of the harder lessons to learn about PTSD. You need to learn to make progress in baby steps. It's like an exercise program or looking for a job; you have to keep working on it even if you don't see results every day.

And finally, here's a hug for you. Lean on us; you're not alone.

 

[Tinyflame]

For you @angel2write (((((((((Angel :inlove: )))))))))) .

Perhaps the story you write (I remember what you said about your user name) will need to have this knowledge contained within it. :hug:

 

[angel2write]

Something that helped me a lot was realizing that the monster must be slain with a thousand little cuts instead of one ultimate, final, death slice aimed at its neck. Take a moment to breathe, and instead of going for the jugular, wound it a little, then again. Spread some marbles on the floor where it walks. Pee in its water dish. Unplug its refrigerator.

OK, this was just too darned funny. Thank you. Laughter helps.

@yoshixvx- I went back and edited where I was unclear. I didn't mean I'd "never never get over wanting to kill myself," I meant I would "never, never commit suicide." I'm just tired of all the effort it takes sitting around not killing myself when I really want to. Blech.

Support: loving family (check), supportive husband (Go Bear! check), excellent therapist (check), really great hypnotherapist (check). No support group, but a few friends I can talk to. And this group for three years now. Hard to believe I've been here that long. Sigh.

That should be enough, shouldn't it? God, sometimes I feel guilty because I've got so much help, and I've had so much support, and I've done so much work... and yet, here we are. Still falling in the same pit. I am SO grateful for everything I have. But it's like the pain drives me over the edge sometimes.

I know life is wonderful and beautiful. But sometimes it's like being at a really great party with a migraine. You know it's an awesome party. Fun, fun, fun. But your head just hurts so much you don't even care & all you want to do is go lie down somewhere dark and suffer alone. It doesn't mean the party isn't great. It just means you're hurting too much to be able to enjoy it.

Guess that's where I am today.

 

[TillyDevine]

Yes. As long as you keep getting up in the morning, then the answer is most definitely yes.

:hug:

 

[ms spock]

I thought I was the only one. No one else seems to deal with this daily.

Oh you are not the only one dealing with this on a daily basis. There are many of us on the forum.

It was clever of you to document the suicidal ideation in your diary, creating more awareness in yourself. I think that is a good idea.

That should be enough, shouldn't it? God, sometimes I feel guilty because I've got so much help, and I've had so much support, and I've done so much work... and yet, here we are. Still falling in the same pit. I am SO grateful for everything I have. But it's like the pain drives me over the edge sometimes.

I do relate @angel2write.

 

[ms spock]

@angel2write I was a bit dissociated when I replied or spaced out and I didn't realise it was you that was posting. For some reason I had in my head it was a new person posting.

You are doing all the right things. It does take time.

It really sucks to still be struggling with this after all this time. I feel for you. I find it hard as well.

 

[yoshixvx]

@yoshixvx Wow, where do I start? First, please do not judge someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. Please do not call them selfish....they are already at the lowest place you could imagine. .

Hmm, I think you might have misinterpreted my point. I wasn't accusing @angel2write of being selfish, I said that suicide was a selfish act..

As a 4x suicide survivor, I think that I have a fairly solid personal experiences on which to base my opinion on. I was selfish in the act of suicide every single time I tried to end it. The difference is that I do not blame myself (or anyone else) for choosing it as a means to an end. I've obviously been there. But that does not mean the act is beneficial to anyone - in fact, it prolongs suffering with those we leave behind. That to me, is completely selfish and apathetic.

I am not one to sugar coat things but I will be the first one to admit that I am wrong. So, I'm sorry if I've offended you - my intention was not to upset anyone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So sorry, Angel. I have been quite suicidal in the past, and I want to tell you that there is hope for things getting better. I think in my case it was like putting together pieces of a puzzle. There was no one "fix", rather a number of things that worked to help overall. My main component is obsessive thinking---when it's under control, I won't be suicidal. But, when the thoughts kick in, all bets are off.

Honestly, the selfish act vs selfish person argument isn't all that helpful, more like a game of semantics that doesn't do anything to lessen the blow. It's like arguing that Hitler wasn't an evil person, he just did evil acts. Does this splitting of hairs make anyone feel different/better? Nope.

 

[ms spock]

I think you might have misinterpreted my point. I wasn't accusing @angel2write of being selfish, I said that suicide was a selfish act..

As a 4x suicide survivor, I think that I have a fairly solid personal experiences on which to base my opinion on. I was selfish in the act of suicide every single time I tried to end it. The difference is that I do not blame myself (or anyone else) for choosing it as a means to an end. I've obviously been there. But that does not mean the act is beneficial to anyone - in fact, it prolongs suffering with those we leave behind. That to me, is completely selfish and apathetic.

I am not one to sugar coat things but I will be the first one to admit that I am wrong. So, I'm sorry if I've offended you - my intention was not to upset anyone.

Okay what you wrote originally means a completely different thing in light of what you have written above. Thank you for the clarification.

I love how we can sort these things out and learn from each other.

Because selfish has been used in a particularly loaded way, in terms of Suicidal Ideation perhaps you can describe it differently? I don't know just a suggestion.

 

[anthony]

Do you ever heal enough to stop having days where you just want to kill yourself?

Yes... yes you can. I am living proof. I would still like to off myself at times during any year, though those thoughts are marginal nowadays (compared to my past thoughts) in relation to living life today and continually moving forward in healing. I keep getting better at healing every year, in other words.