Poll Do You Feel Anxious When Being Assertive?

[Abstract]

Hi everyone. I am fascinated by what is happening internally when people act assertively. Do any of you find you are anxious when assertive but not when being aggressive? Is there a difference for you? Are you also anxious when being aggressive.

Assuming too that those of us who have done work on this have changed from the past. If so how. Have you managed to be assertive without fear if it it a new skill you have learned?

If you are anxious how do you think this effects the nature of your assertiveness?

Assertive: Standing you ground and laying down boundaries whilst considering both your and the other persons feelings and not being aggressive.
Aggressive: wanting to impact the person you are aiming the aggression at.


Obviously, if you vote for one of the last 2 options then the rest are not relevant for you as you almost never assertive.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Boundaries can be difficult but I'm getting more used to recognizing when they are being breached and setting healthy ones. I need a lot of work here and have taken online courses, it's one of the things I'm really looking at.

Anxiety from enforcing or creating a boundary can make me put it off. I need to be more comfortable with standing up for myself.

 

[Friday]

Standing you ground and laying down boundaries

It’s interesting to me that you’d put this under assertiveness... as

1) Boundaries are what *I* do / require of myself / how I respond, rather than what I may direct others to do.

And I think that’s actually incrediably to the point.

5 people can smack my ass, and I can have 5 entirely different responses to that, when I have really clear boundaries ...vs... not having clear boundaries about who is allowed to touch my ass, how, in what context, and at best having a bit of a muddied response, and at worst overreacting or underreacting.

(Overreacting & underreacting is not a direct line to passive vs aggressive, as there are times either is warranted with clear boundaries, but also a common consequence. Responding with aggression when none is warranted, or responding passively when that’s not warranted.)

2) Standing my ground can be assertive, it can also be pig headed, stubborn, intractable, unjust, terminally stupid, etc. To my way of thinking being assertive isn’t single faceted or black and white. The ability to be flexible, and adapt to changing circumstances swiftly and decisively is another facet. As are choosing one’s battles, accepting and considering influence, the ability to change my mind in response to a reasoned argument/ new information/ changing situations, negotiation not necessarily a win/lose paradigm, knowing when to back down, admitting when I’m wrong, affect & effect, etc. etc. etc.

This multifaceted aspect feeds right into the first bit about boundaries being about what I do in various situations / the more grey I have in my life? The less black and white? The more options I have available to me to better FIT both the situation at hand & what I want to accomplish. Rather than less.

 

[Friday]

Oh... and I would click all 4 of the top choices if I could.

90% not anxious at all
10% distributed between terrified to mildly anxious.

Depending on the situation, how competent I feel to handle it, and how necessary I believe it to be regardless of consequence or capability.

As an example, there have been a lot of times in my life where I want a SIGN that reads

Everyone behave!...I’m new.

Seriously.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Friday Thank you!

I suspect I may have expressed myself quite poorly and unfortunately have not time right now to really try to understand this and answer properly. Its possible I'm not understanding what you mean!

To me assertiveness is a form of looking after our boundaries and that of course differs moment to moment, situation to situation etc. It should. Also with some situations being fairly easy and others very challenging. And of course flexibility and knowing when and how much to react is part of good interpersonal skills.

But I don't see assertiveness as directing others. I have no control over what others do. I do have the ability to lay down what I will or wont allow and give consequences for that. Take responsibility for myself. Obviously there is a wide spectrum of what that looks like and what is appropriate in what situation. I especially have only allowed 2 answers as otherwise, if we are being absolute about it, I imagine almost of all of us would pick all even if it was just one time in our lifetime.

What I am interested in at the moment is the internal emotional state people experience when they are actively responding to various challenging situations. Other than a passive response. I may also be exploring the influence of proper felt anger and how it changes this.

There are of course certain situations which would be anxiety provoking for anyone even if they were usually absolutely relaxed in their assertiveness on the whole. The only way I can discuss something like this without becoming even more annoying wordy than I usually am is if we do the whole average approach. Certainly not talking in absolutes here. Hope that makes sense. Feel free to say if not.

As someone 90% of the time totally fine internally when being assertive do you find the emotion anger (and related emotions) is involved and if so how?