Do You Feel The Constant Emptiness?

[J_trustno1]

I thought this was the place to post this question. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Do you feel that emptiness? That guilt and that comparing of yourself to others?? How do you overcome these feelings?

I constantly compare myself to others. There is net friend (on facebook) who is always talking to me about his girlfriend and about their conversations. It's not that I am jealous or anything but I am not interested in someone else's personal life especially their love life or what is happening in their bedroom. I feel that he is teasing me or making me feel inadequate. I never inquire about their relationship or their personal conversations but he comes in and tells me what is going on in between them, how well they are doing. Then after talking about his gf then he leaves the conversation without even saying bye. I feel it is rude. I feel as if he is deliberately trying to make me feel like shit. He's been asking me about my relationship which I don't have right now. He knew about my past relationship which never worked and he was trying to tease me about it,, i mean WTF!! I feel it is an act to make me feel shit about myself.

Anyway, another thing that is bothering me is not having job after all that qualification while others who studied with me are well settled in their lives. I don't have a job, a house. I know that those things won't make me happy like I thought masters will. But I don't get why I am running after success which doesn't even make me happy in the end. I do need a job for survival. I don't want to depend on others but I haven't succeeded after applying for many jobs. Argh!! I'm repeating myself. Sorry if I've annoyed someone. Please help and provide any useful strategies that you have used to overcome those feelings of feeling inappropriate. Thanks in advance.

 

[billie]

Well firstly my sweet, let me tell you that guy would piss me off too. You deserve a much more forfilled freindship than that. Do you think you have outgrown his freindship? I dunno it's okay that sometimes you can get interupted from a convo (it has happened to me a few times), but to do it every time? hmmm, no respect. Not sure if this helps Jess, but in my eyes I think you are awesome!!!

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @billie , you are a true sweetheart. He does this every time and it is pissing me off. It is as if him and his girlfriend are important and I am obliged to give him pure attention. I don't need such people in my life tbh. I've had enough of them. You are very right billie. Thanks

 

[keifer]

I would up front tell my friend, I don't want to hear about your bedroom talk. There are millions of things to talk about besides his girl friend. Granted, in his life this could be all new and most important to him right now. Later in life, there will be other things to talk about. The weather isn't one of them.

It is also hard for me to too look at a couple in love and know that will never be me. I don't hang around relationship conversations, as I try and not focus on those either. I liked how you coined the phrase "constant emptiness". I try and focus on other things. Lately, my flashbacks fill my non-activity time which isn't so nice either.

 

[J_trustno1]

@keifer : wow, you are so right. It's been bothering me. I was feeling less of a person for not having a partner but that is not my priority right now. I want to get a good job first, get therapy, get drivers license and be an Independent woman than worrying about a relationship. I am really not stable in terms of relationships. After all those bad experiences from last year I am very cautious of the decisions I make. Thanks for your reply.

 

[StarChild]

There is net friend (on facebook) who is always talking to me about his girlfriend and about their conversations. It's not that I am jealous or anything but I am not interested in someone else's personal life especially their love life or what is happening in their bedroom. I feel that he is teasing me or making me feel inadequate.

Hi @jess_trustno1, I really don't think he's teasing you... May I be blunt?... Sometimes (some) men are simply stupid and or insecure. Among themselves, they often boast (and of course exaggerate) about "which and how many chicks they already have f***ed". Even though, it's not even near the truth. Some of them even try this method to impress women... I had two male friends who tried to do this with me.

I feel that he is teasing me or making me feel inadequate.

I think, this dude just wants to convince himself, what kind of a great guy he's. And or, that every thing's okay in their (maybe not so okay?) relationship.

Then after talking about his gf then he leaves the conversation without even saying bye. I feel it is rude.

Yes, this IS rude!..and stupid. And exactly the same behaviour I got from some male friends of mine. The best method to stop such a blatherskite, is to simply confront him right away, when he starts to maunder. Do it in a stern voice, by telling him for example: "Hey, stop! Why do you need to call me and to bother me with your ridiculous, pseudo success sex stories. Do you really think, that I'm impressed by this? Or what do you want to achieve by your immature, bouncing behaviour? Again dude, what's your point in doing that? Did no one ever tell you, that women are not impressed with such nonsense? Boy, if you want me to take you seriously in future, then stop talking rubbish and stop acting self-centred! Now go and think about it! For I'm not going to waste my time any further! Bye!" Then hang up your phone instantly. Or if your contact is only per mail block him, after you gave him a piece of your mind!

In my case, I had just had to talk once like this to them. One's (tiny, little) ego was deeply insulted. So he never ever called me again, to my relief. - And the other one was simply perplexed on the phone. But came around some weeks later to apologize. And from then on he started to really be a good, dependable friend.

He's been asking me about my relationship which I don't have right now. He knew about my past relationship which never worked and he was trying to tease me about it,,

Again, this insecure Idiot just tries to boost his tiny ego! Maybe he senses that you feel inappropriate. Question: You're a precious, intelligent young woman, do you really need such "friends"?

I don't need such people in my life

Then tell him what you're thinking and ditch this guy! As you said: You don't need such people in your life! Another question: Do you feel uncomfortable about confrontations? If so, then to write could be a better possibility than to talk.

(Sorry my post got that long.) Hope it helps. Hold your head up high (and ditch this guy!) :tup:

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @SweetLullaby : wow, very wise. I am going to confront him or just ignore him. I've had enough of their love life. It is none of my business to be honest. If i had a bf, I wouldn't go around making other people's life hell. Thanks again for the help.

 

[StarChild]

wow, very wise.

Well, I don't know if it's wise, but it's the truth.

Now that I reread your initial post, I noticed the exact title of your thread and also the following statements:

Do you feel that emptiness? That guilt and that comparing of yourself to others??

May I ask you, what kind of emptiness is it that you feel? Do you know what exactly causes it? What guilt is it you're struggling with? And about what do you feel guilty?

Feel free not to answer, but maybe you can figure out for your own benefit, what it is you have fight with?

 

[J_trustno1]

@SweetLullaby : As a kid I was never appreciated or been good enough for my father. I have wasted 26 yrs of my life trying to please that man. My grades were never adequate even if I achieved 90%. So all this life I have been trying to prove my mum's relatives. To my father and relatives by education (done Masters in Engineering but not happy with myself, keep feel I need a PhD) and fitness. But no one approved me. I've been the scapegoat of the family all my life. I was a rebel and they hated me for being me. I was always compared with the best students, models at the age of 12 (my mum's sister compared my waist to an actress when I was only a 12 yr old kid and saying I was fat) as result I stopped eating at that age.. Anyway, cut story short. Mum's relatives always belittled us for not having much money like them.


When I see people happy with their lives, I have that missing. I don't know why I am not satisfied with myself. All those people from school have got partners, married etc and posting pictures on facebook. It's not that I am jealous, I feel I am lacking things in life. Then people having good jobs, I feel I have no job after all that study. People buying those big houses, I am still living at home and do not have my own accommodation. I feel incomplete. I know that they are standards created by people but I am just not happy with myself. I always looking for something bigger to achieve, some bigger challenge and in the end I beat myself up to achieve it but no happiness in the end. They have mentally f*cked me up! I feel I have become like one of them.

 

[keifer]

Money pays bills but does not buy happiness. I think you are opening your eyes. It sounds like you want to do things for you and not anyone else. Measuring yourself against others might be what society says to do. Reality is, it could be more healthy to measure yourself against yourself. I've always like that and it's far easier said than done.

 

[StarChild]

(((Jess))) I thank you, for being so open and honest. I'm so sorry that you didn't get unconditional love, and appreciation for being you, for being a wonderful, precious child. It saddens me every time to learn, that parents (who often just are dissatisfied with themselves or their lives) aren't capable to stop being self-absorbed, or are projecting their own discontentment on their children.

I see quite a few important points in your post. But I'd like to think about them first, before I'm going to answer you. (Right now, I'm unfortunately to tired to process things right.) But one very important thing I really want to tell you:

I was a rebel and they hated me for being me.

You were a rebel? Great! Excellent! - That means your spirit was and still is alive! They couldn't transform you into one of them. And that's why they hated you! You were a constant reminder that their highly polished, so called happy lives were just one thing: A lie! And that they were simply dead inside!

I know that this fact isn't giving you any comfort, and it's horrible to have to grow up without any appreciation. But believe me Jess, when I tell you, that you didn't became one of them! Because if you did, you wouldn't even recognize your inner misery, and you wouldn't feel unhappy about your situation / life. I'm coming back to this thread after I could catch some sleep.

 

[Tinyflame]

@jess_trustno1 , please trust me on this one, simply because I'm older and have so been there on this one. I have found men that talk about their girlfriends and sexual exploits to women have a combination of any of these 3 things: a) they are actually not 'getting any' (sex) (it becomes a question of "who are you trying to convince, me or you?") b) they have a terrible lack of self esteem and feel it necessary to 'prove it' and/or c) they are actually frustrated they aren't sleeping with 'you' . Many men will do this (I have found) when I don't sleep with them. Maybe they feel it is rejection.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting whatever you want, be it a home, or children, success, or any dream. Pretty much most people want to be loved, but that is not as easy to find true love and commitment and sexual chemistry and enough maturity to make it work with 'just anyone'. You may find that many who marry now divorce eventually, many in their careers find it is not what they expected, many who don't realize relationships and children are much work and sacrifice. Do what is true to you.

Coming across people who find you and the qualities of you attractive is easy, finding people who value it will bring more to you.

I do understand the emptiness though, and too have wondered if it comes from being where I shouldn't be and don't belong.

I hope you find things that have meaning and bring happiness to you, and relationships where you feel you belong and that contribute to feeling good about yourself. :hug: