The d word - what do you feel you deserve?

[Freemartin]

@Freemartin are you able to say where it comes from?

Yepper. Parents. f*cked-up attachment stuff. Maybe not ready to elaborate further right now.

 

[Rose White]

@Freemartin idk why seeing/saying the materialist cause of it has a kind of effect though. Like it’s not meaningless.

 

[Freemartin]

W

@Freemartin idk why seeing/saying the materialist cause of it has a kind of effect though. Like it’s not meaningless.

What do you mean?

 

[Rose White]

I mean, voicing the origin of a belief helps with seeing the structure of the knot.

Something I was thinking was, how much is social conditioning a part of our beliefs about being indebted to or owing others?

 

[Freemartin]

I mean, voicing the origin of a belief helps with seeing the structure of the knot.

Ach, yes, it tends to do so.

how much is social conditioning a part of our beliefs about being indebted to or owing others?

You mean conditioning by the society as a whole or by the FOO etc?

 

[Rose White]

I mean by society as a whole.

 

[shimmerz]

I deserve not to have to be perfect - especially when the person setting the bar refuses to acknowledge any sense of worth in me, making it impossible for anyone (let alone me) to live up to their expectations. As an adult it is my responsibility to enforce my boundaries andextricate myself from relationships that expect more than I can give.

I have the right to be free from abuse but as an adult it is my responsibility to enforce my deservedness.

I define what I deserve and what I deserve usually is around my own sense of comfort, safety and security. I must be the one who makes those boundaries. Much of what I deserve is built around self care practices into place. If I don't know what I need then I certainly can't put across to others what I deserve.

Self care practices leads to boundaries; boundaries leads to being responsible for self within relationships.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm learning that I deserve to be held in mind and thought about.
And I'm learning what that feels like. And how magical that is.

 

[Freemartin]

Something I was thinking was, how much is social conditioning a part of our beliefs about being indebted to or owing others?

A lot, I think. The western culture is so toxic with all that having to manage by ourselves crapola. But I think these kinds of extreme, knee-jerk absolutes need to be conditioned in an attachment relationship or something resembling that.

I'm learning that I deserve to be held in mind and thought about.
And I'm learning what that feels like. And how magical that is.

This I relate to. For the longest time I believed my therapist never thinks about me between the session and hardly recalls anything I’ve said. And I always spoke as if I’d never addressed the topic at hand before. Cause it’d be too bold to assume she finds my stuff worth remembering (attachment wound much…?). And every time she implied that she’s been thinking about me between sessions I nearly lost my shit.

So yeah, I definitely relate! And it feels so heartbreaking to type these things. Like, being remembered and thought about are not quite the most extreme things to wish for. Speaks volumes about the level of attachment trauma, this shit.

 

[Movingforward10]

A lot, I think. The western culture is so toxic with all that having to manage by ourselves crapola. But I think these kinds of extreme, knee-jerk absolutes need to be conditioned in an attachment relationship or something resembling that.

This I relate to. For the longest time I believed my therapist never thinks about me between the session and hardly recalls anything I’ve said. And I always spoke as if I’d never addressed the topic at hand before. Cause it’d be too bold to assume she finds my stuff worth remembering (attachment wound much…?). And every time she implied that she’s been thinking about me between sessions I nearly lost my shit.

So yeah, I definitely relate! And it feels so heartbreaking to type these things. Like, being remembered and thought about are not quite the most extreme things to wish for. Speaks volumes about the level of attachment trauma, this shit.

Totally the same. I think it's why my memory is so poor too, because not worth holding on to things because no one else is. That restarting from scratch each therapy session. I also repeat things because why would she bother remembering it?
Blew my mind when she remembered what I had said and I had forgotten.

Yeah, these attachment traumas... So hard to understand and heal from.

 

[Rose White]

But I think these kinds of extreme, knee-jerk absolutes need to be conditioned in an attachment relationship or something resembling that.

Can you say more about this? I’m not sure i understand.

 

[Freemartin]

Let’s see, I’m not sure I can put it into words.
I mean, it’s one thing to cognitively learn the general attitudes and to know what’s appreciated in a society.

And it’s another ballgame to from day 1 learn that you are a burden and your basic life-or-death needs are met with anger/impatience/contempt/despice/disdain. Kids learn their ”value” by the way they’re treated.

For example, my mom was severely depressed when I was a kid, and whenever I needed something from her, I really felt like a burden. She tried to meet my needs (she’d try to comfort me when I stumbled and hurt myself for ex), but she was so depressed (and f*cked up in many ways) that I learned that me being comforted took a huge toll on her and she really didn’t want to do it. Like, it was outrageous of me to think I deserved to burden her like that.

And because attachment needs are literally a matter of life or death to children, things related to them get really deeply ingrained. They are way more fundamental ”knowledge” about one’s worth than those cognitively held societal norms.

Hope I made some sense