Avoiding health care because you feel you deserve whatever condition

[Rose White]

@Dark.Green.Feathers can relate very much, reading your reflections helps me to see it from a perspective.

I’m curious if religion ever got wrapped up in those beliefs for you? For me it did through multiple religions. Even humanism can get wrapped around it for me.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m curious if religion ever got wrapped up in those beliefs for you? For me it did through multiple religions. Even humanism can get wrapped around it for me.

No for me but I can definitely see how religion can play into stuff like this, through actual manipulation and cruelty, OR traumatised brain tangling things up in eachother.

Ideas of thankfulness and not being selfish (which I think most religions are kind of about at some point) can easily be given the same tone and blanket/black and white meaning as messages given to us by abuse, which is to need nothing, have no boundaries, and just be grateful for the little grace you get.

I like thankfulness and contentment because when I’m doing that right it helps me but I have to be so careful and remind myself those are not the same as neglect and being permissive of my needs not being met. Which are so easy and comfortable. No risk and No nothing.

I’ve found trauma and other things have made it really hard for me to get the nuance in anything need related. “Don’t be overbearing and make someone responsible for all your problems” = DONT SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS OR NEED SUPPORT EVER. “sometimes it’s a bad time to share certain things with someone” = SOMEONE HAS TO HAVE 0 PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER RIGHT NOW TO COPE WITH MINE EXISTING (never going to happen)
Etc etc.
I think that's the all or nothing thinking. because everything need related pushes the emergency button when youve been messed up as a kid like this I think.

 

[Movingforward10]

Don’t be overbearing and make someone responsible for all your problems” = DONT SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS OR NEED SUPPORT EVER. “sometimes it’s a bad time to share certain things with someone” = SOMEONE HAS TO HAVE 0 PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER RIGHT NOW TO COPE WITH MINE EXISTING (never going to happen)
Etc etc.
I think that's the all or nothing thinking. because everything need related pushes the emergency button when youve been messed up as a kid like this I think.

This.
It's hard to learn to switch this off.

 

[jaccat]

For me it's strongly linked to self worth. If you don't believe you're worth the time/effort/care why would you take up someone else's time?

It's also, for me, that I struggle to recognise the seriousness of whatever the condition is because I have no reliable comparisons. Constantly getting told my pain was not important/not real/not as bad as so and so's/not even true as a child, means these days my bar for it is wonky at best, and sometimes not even there at all.

 

[Rose White]

Constantly getting told my pain was not important/not real/not as bad as so and so's/not even true as a child, means these days my bar for it is wonky at best

Hadn’t considered this. I was trained to think that I was whiny and manipulative (wasting peoples time with fake fears/pain/concerns). Of course I worked hard to take care of myself so I could not be that way (and therefore could potentially deserve care).

Which connects to this

sometimes it’s a bad time to share certain things with someone” = SOMEONE HAS TO HAVE 0 PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER RIGHT NOW TO COPE WITH MINE EXISTING

I laughed when I read it. But it’s true. And the opposite as well. “I deserve care when I have zero problems.” . Which kind of ties in to how my physical exams have gone the last times I made myself go. I tell the doctor, “I take no medications and I have no concerns.” Then the doctor said, “You are such-and-such age so you need to take all these tests.” And I said no for the very real reason materialist reason that I’m afraid of my insurance not covering them—and I don’t have the patience to call my insurance and verify coverage for each test and I don’t trust them anyway because they “make mistakes.” So the problems with insurance stuff get overlaid as “real” reasons and the worthlessness is a more buried reason.

 

[Rose White]

I’ve been avoiding wearing my earbuds to try to deal with the tinnitus. Might be helping. After therapy I used to go on walks and blast the music. It felt so good.

 

[HollowLavender]

I can understand those feelings to a point for me it's more shame of the condition even more so for mental conditions. I haven't been to a dentist because of the shame of my teeth being a mess and feeling like a failure for not taking care of myself.

It's hard to ignore those feelings and those thoughts people drilled into you. Even if you know it's because of them or them talking in your head it feels like it's yours but you are deserving of care and health. Its hard to believe that sometimes but your conditions aren't some divine punishment or a reflection of your shortcomings you are worthy and deserving of a healthy life and taking care of yourself. I'm sorry your dad made you feel like you don't deserve that because your a very kind person and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

 

[Rose White]

your conditions aren't some divine punishment or a reflection of your shortcomings

I quoted this because I believed with all my heart that my conditions were divine punishment and a reflection of my shortcomings for so long. I do also sometimes believe nihilist atheist thoughts that nothing matters and life is just random events. Neither of those sustain me for too long. They sort of compete with each other—in a healthy way?

In rereading this thread I was struck by how many times I said that this was related to me not wanting to be selfish. We touched on that in therapy recently and A asked me, “Why was it ok for your dad and your ex to be selfish but not you or your kids?” And I could not answer that and I still struggle with it. My dad and my ex were the only people in my whole world who I could allow to be selfish.

I feel a bit turned around right now after writing all that.

Well I’m pretty sure my worth has been good lately anyway so that’s good. I went to the dentist recently to get my cleaning and also got my eye exam and got bifocals which I think I’m going to massively regret and they were painfully expensive but whatever. God provides not me. I got the text that the glasses were ready yesterday and I’m ignoring lol.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I was about to make a thread on exactly this topic. I've been ill for the past couple of weeks, although I'm much better now. I've had shingles which, I only went to the pharmacist about initially. That was the guidance on the NHS (nearly helpful service...I jest we are very lucky in the UK), so that's what I did. It didn't improve. In fact, I ended up feverish. Almost a week goes by.

It was my therapist actually who encouraged (very strongly), that I see an actual doctor. I had my session online and even via a phone camera he was like "you look terrible please get some medical help". Yeah about that. Cue panic attack, awful anxiety, really low self worth.

Mustn't make a fuss, it isn't that bad, I'm exaggerating, I'll be fine. All the things I've been told all my life. Don't trust doctors, they're useless and/or they're nosy and then everything will get worse.

Turns out the shingles (on my ear) had then turned into a bacterial infection as well and I needed antibiotics. Oh, wasn't making my symptoms up then. Whoopsie.

Got into a whole discussion with T about lack of care and neglect, especially around not being looked after when poorly. That has been a real eye opener. Not just with the actual oh sh*t I was neglected as well (duh you might say but I really hadn't thought of it in those terms), but with the left over self-neglectful behaviours towards myself as an adult.