How Do You Determine What You Deserve?

[Ronin]

m so not trying to argue with anyone.

It's not arguing to seek answers and ask questions and ponder on things, and arguing can be a good thing to do :)

 

[Ronin]

Like i can go with like physical human body stuff but seeking it?

You didn't ask for abuse; you asked for love, in the form you knew it as love.

That what they did wasn't love but was abuse and grooming you is not on you. That they twisted the good love is, and is supposed to be, is not on you. That they twisted basic affection needs & wants into something hard to reconcile with now, that also isn't on you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Deserving is an odd concept

Yes it is.

Im not trying to say anyone deserves me in their life or whatever...tho id say no. Im trying to figure out how to flip the "i deserve all bad and dont deserve good"...or at least define why i believe that other than "because they said so" and "i did/do horrible things"

 

[Stickler]

I don't remember what I asked my dad to do to me, yet, but I know I sought it out.
I think my body got hooked on orgasms, which I did not know how to give myself.
I think I got hooked on pain too.
There was never not physical pain during sex, so that got associated with pleasure and comfort.

I think that's why self-injury works so well for me, it calms and comforts me.

Sex with dad calmed and comforted me/my alter who came out for that. I note writing this is inspiring pelvic pain. Talking about my dad's abuse does that...and it turns me on, too, and I end up going to masturbate.

I don't blame myself for feeling that way; it makes me no less exploited.
This is mine. My sexuality was always mine.
It was never his to contaminate and twist.

My body was not for him to use and rent for party money.

 

[Panda Bear]

I will forever battle this statement and its effects on my heart and soul:

"You get what you deserve"

Which was my moms reply and justification for her actions towards me, my father death and the CSA.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You didn't ask for abuse; you asked for love, in the form you knew it as love.

That i can def agree with!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I will forever battle this statement and its effects on my heart and soul:

"You get what you deserve"

Which was my moms reply and justification for her actions towards me, my father death and the CSA.

Im sorry!

I hate that i can tell you that you didnt deserve it but i cant tell myself that. Sigh. At least im not the only one striggling w/ this even a month after blame shifted...

 

[Sideways]

Definitely not struggling with this one alone. Been following this thread, and what I know I deserve, can't go there, can't think about it, it'll cost me my discharge from hospital if I start entertaining those thoughts. Can't afford to contribute to this one.

Other than to say that the "what do I deserve" struggle? You are definitely not alone.

 

[Stickler]

None of us deserved abuse, we were all innocent kids.

Our parents were supposed to mold us into functional, responsible adults...that was the job they agreed to by bringing us into the world and not giving us to someone else to take care of.

We got born into a slow-motion train wreck.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Definitely not struggling with this one alone. Been following this thread, and what I know I deserve, can't go there, can't think about it, it'll cost me my discharge from hospital if I start entertaining those thoughts. Can't afford to contribute to this one.

Other than to say that the "what do I deserve" struggle? You are definitely not alone.

You get discharged from the hospital if you entertain thoughts like that?

Gee, guess im glad im the US & not in a hospital...cuz i cant seem to make myself entertain anything but no matter how hard or how often i try...

Guess im not any closer to defining how i come to the conclusion that i do other than "they told me" and "what ive done & still do" & maybe "asking/seeking".

Not real sure what i was looking for really. I guess to talk it out maybe? I do my best thinking when i have people to bounce off of.

So theres what i have to disprove as vaild maybe? My rational side gets the flip side but the rest drowns out my rational side.

I was gonna list my beliefs and then why isnt rational but i think i was doing it wrong cause i was gonna do belief, why not rational, then belief etc. I got to first belief and why not rational and wasnt even able to type anything before there was a war in my head. Frustrating when its you fighting you.

I think it may go better belief, belief, belief etc etc etc...why not rational, why not rational, why not rational...and dont put too much 'thought' into it as i know the war will start. I think its about reading it a bazillon times a day.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's not arguing to seek answers and ask questions and ponder on things, and arguing can be a good thing to do

;)

More like trying to bounce stuff off people to figure out my very complicated brain.

Can i say; CULTS f*ckING SUCK!

 

[Sideways]

*chuckles* Nope, I got a discharge date (yeehaw) & I'm gonna cling to it for dear life.

Thinking about what I deserve - I know what I deserve, I was given very detailed lessons - is dangerous territory. Still can't come at questions like that without it causing a major landslide in my head. Proceed with caution, yeah?

As for me, there needs to be no landslides between now and when I get discharged. Till then, I'm keepin' it all rainbows & bunny rabbits in my noggin:)