How do you decide who you're going to believe?

[scout86]

I debated where to put this. It's not necessarily PTSD related, although that can sure be a factor. It doesn't really seem "Social" though either. So, Moderators, feel free to move it. (I know you'll move it whether I want you to or not. Just want to make it clear that I'm fine with that.)

This topic is something I've been thinking about for a long time. Probably a bit more of late. With all the information out there in the world, and all the people we cross paths with, how DO you decide who to believe?

I'll confess that there IS a PTSD aspect to this for me. I think any of you who's PTSD involves being betrayed by someone you thought you could trust probably get that at a visceral level. A good friend once remarked that he could tell when I said the word "tricked" it had a whole deeper level of meaning than it does for most people. Because in my universe, "tricking" someone is the ultimate evil. Now, I'm not saying that's right, or accurate, or anything else. It just IS. And I've come to know that and to know that the way I interact with people is filtered through that.

I'm interested in how other people decide who to believe. Maybe there are some good ideas out there I haven't thought of! Personally, I consider their past behavior, potential motives, whether or not they make sense, whether or not their background suggests expertise, whether or not they are self aware enough to consider their own fallibility, stuff like that. What about the rest of you?

 

[Defaultxlove]

This is interesting to me. I don’t believe in fully trusting your gut but the brain and micro flora of the gut are connected and communicate. So I believe it’s important to stay in tune with ourselves our surroundings and be sensitive or open to accepting red flags. Aka not seeing or believing just what we want.

Just some thoughts.

 

[arfie]

for my psycho nickel, trust is, absolutely, a PTSD issue. even in issues completely unrelated to the causes of my ptsd, my ability to trust is affected across the board by the early betrayals of my social conditioning.

at present, i trust ideas far more easily than people. even the love of my life is human enough to have bad ideas and i reserve the right to abstain and/or defend myself from one of his bad ideas. i don't decide who to trust, not even with the love of my life. if the idea resonates with me, i trust it. if not, "no." is a complete sentence. no means no, my friend.

 

[Sideways]

I'm interested in how other people decide who to believe.

I believe most people, if they are consistent.

But I don’t believe they are telling me the truth. I believe they are telling me their truth.

Somehow I’ve managed to become very comfortable, in most situations, with the reality that truth is relative. There can be multiple apparently opposing truths.

It makes life murky and confusing at times. But on the flip side, it allows me to understand and accept people more easily.

 

[shimmerz]

I watch what they have to say about other people. Are they generally happy and do they have a good attitude? Do they see the glass as half full as a general rule? Do they laugh and smile a lot and does that help me feel connected in a good way?

I also ask myself 'what can I trust about this person?' I can trust a liar to lie; trust a thief to thieve; trust a person with compassion to care; trust a person who believes deeply in love to love. Negative AND positive forms of love. I rarely rely on any one person with all things me. I try to look for their strong points that help nurture and connect with them that way.

 

[scout86]

I like the insights!

Let me give an example. My ex-husband was a remarkable liar. (Ironically, he asked about deal breakers before we got married and I said "lying". LOL) I mean, he was SO good at it, I eventually realized I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth or a lie without independent confirmation of the facts. And he lied about pretty much anything. Stupid stuff where there was no downside I could see to just telling the truth. His motive? IDK My T said he thought G just liked the effect that his "stories" had. He probably didn't even think of it as lying. This was the major reason (but not the only reason) for the divorce. My world view says that life is too short to waste time on people who can't be trusted.

I've had a number of people over the last 4 years tell me that they believed the 2020 US election was "stolen". I believe that's not true. Why? Well there's all the investigations & such but mostly I believe it was legit because I've worked as an election judge and I was totally impressed with how well the system is set up and how hard it would be to cheat in any meaningful way. Like @Sideways , I value consistency. Mostly because if you stick to the truth it's easy to tell the same story all the time. If you're making stuff up, it's more of a challenge. But then, some people can consistently lie.

So, hypothetical (sort of) case. Some says a vaccine is dangerous, others say it's a life saver. (I can totally see how both things could be true, but let's say they aren't.) If I don't have first hand, personal knowledge, how do I decide?

 

[scout86]

Sitting here thinking about this......... When I first started therapy, I decided to look at it as "an experiment'. What did I have to lose, right? So, I decided to pretend I trusted my T and see what happened. In his case, it worked pretty well. If he'd been less good at his job? Then it might have worked differently. Either way, the cost of being wrong seemed pretty small. It didn't seem that way at first glance though. I had to take a hard look at what being wrong would REALLY cost because my first reaction was "If you're wrong, you're going to die!" (Did I mention the whole "PTSD" thing?)

 

[shimmerz]

My ex-husband was a remarkable liar.

Well welcome to the ex-husband liar club! lol.

I've had a number of people over the last 4 years tell me that they believed the 2020 US election was "stolen".

I don't know if it was or it wasn't because I don't have firsthand knowledge and don't know of anyone that does. So I have gotten really good at saying 'but what do I know? Nothing!'

But then there is also common sense. I was always told not to take new drugs because there wasn't enough information about the effects of said drugs. When I realized everyone in the world was mandated to have it? I smelled a rat. I thought I might wait it out (that's the common sense piece imho). Then I saw people who got it get shingles. Hmmm, a little less inviting. Then a friends niece died right after taking it.

Now I don't need to know the truth. I am not taking it.

Do you need to know the truth or just what YOU think might be risks etc?

 

[shimmerz]

"If you're wrong, you're going to die!"

Can feel this statement through every cell of my body.

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz , I really miss you when you're not here! (You know that, right?)

Do you need to know the truth or just what YOU think might be risks etc?

It kind of depends, doesn't it? Like the deal with my T. If trusting him had been a mistake, so someone would have known things other people didn't know, but there didn't seem to be a way that could hurt me. (My feelings, maybe, but I'm used to ignoring my feelings. LOL) My T & I had one really major blow up. He lied to me. Except maybe he didn't really lie, maybe he was merely wrong about something. To this day I don't know if it was a mistake or a deliberate lie. The reason I didn't quit (and I came pretty close) was that I stopped and asked myself "WHY would he lie?". The best answer I could come up with was that if he told me something that wasn't true, his intentions would most likely still be good. (Not trying to trick me in other words. Or, if he was, then it was some kind of misguided attempt to be helpful) Errors and lies are not the same thing. But deciding about trust, it's probably important to have an idea how much of the time someone tends to provide accurate information, whether they lie or just aren't very accurate.

 

[shimmerz]

Errors and lies are not the same thing.

Yeah, I had a discussion around intention with a friend of mine along the way around just this type of thing. We were at odds around it. I felt that intention really mattered. It would help me orient in case something went wrong. Sounds like your rapport with him really helped in grounding you during, what seems like, 1 heck of a trigger for you. Glad you stuck with him. He sounded like a really good man.

 

[scout86]

He sounded like a really good man.

He was/is. We stay in contact. I have a hilarious picture of him, dressed as a unicorn, for a granddaughter's BD party. LOL