When do you decide it isn't working?

[BoN-bOn]

One of my biggest problems is knowing when to walk away from people or things that aren't beneficial to me. Since I've never been in therapy I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not this is working, or if I'm the one doing something wrong.

I've been seeing this T for almost a year (with some breaks in between due to circumstances). I feel like I've talked about what happened so many times...like we spend the whole session going over & over minor details that seem irrelevant to me (like years, ages, etc). I'm not sure if it's because she can't remember them from one visit to the next, or if this is part of the process. My problem is connecting to the emotions/feelings that are associated with these things.

I feel like we are going in circles & not moving forward in any way! I have a really hard time TALKING in therapy & I think I realized today that she asks me questions in a way that just makes me shut down. I feel defensive & I leave feeling worse than I did when I went in. Help!!

 

[EveHarrington]

Dump her.

Talking about trauma until you are blue in the face only gives you a voice and nothing else. It doesn't move you forward in healing unless you process what happened.

Talking /= processing. These are two very different things. Processing usually involves talking but much of the time talking does not involve actual processing.

 

[Beans]

Dump her.

Talking about trauma until you are blue in the face only gives you a voice and nothin...

Spot on! This is where myself and previous therapist got stuck. She could not understand I couldn't feel things lol. This new one is a bit better, but I'm doing most of the emotional heavy lifting myself (which I should, but you know, idk that she gets it, gets it. She is trying though.) I have an appointment with a somatic therapist next month that specializes in trauma so we shall see. I really am seeing that only pple who specialize can do trauma work real justice.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I was in behavioral therapy for two years talking about my trauma. I now see a brainspotting therapist an off shoot of EMDR and it's literally the first time I'm crying and feeling things relating to my trauma. I was like you I could talk until I was blue in the face but I wasn't letting it hit me. It just means you might need a different type of therapy.

 

[Justmehere]

@BoN-bOn - have you discussed your concerns with the therapist? If not, why not? If you have, what was her response?

Does this therapist have specific training in one or more trauma specific therapies or are they more of a general therapist that sees anyone and everyone for anything?

Have you consulted with another therapist and asked how they would treat your symptoms?

Clients have the most power in the room to make the therapy work or fail. If something isn't working, tell the therapist before quitting. They really don't have another way to know. If it's too hard to say the words write a letter and bring it to the session and ask them to read it.

Sometimes a therapist doesn't have the right skill set a client needs to do the next level of work. Other times, the therapy stalling out has little to do with the therapist or their training, but is about the client's defense mechanisms coming to play. Often it's a mix. A good trauma therapist can help a client recognize when a wall is up and help them take it down.

I have seen a handful of therapists over the years. One truly awful one. A couple that didn't have the skill set I needed but with whom I was still able to do some work with, but only when I was finally desperate enough to stop avoiding and do the work. I have seen therapists who had the skills I needed to treat the trauma, but I wasn't ready yet to do that work.

In general, talking to my therapist about my concerns has helped me tremdously in figuring out when it was time to go and when it was time to stay even when it was hard. In general, therapists who were trained in one or more trauma technique have also been much more able to help me do the work, to get to a place where I have been ready to do the work, a lot more quickly. Yet even with them, there have been times it seemed like we were spinning in circles. Getting to the point of telling them this isn't working has actually lead to some profound changes for me.

If it's not working, tell her, don't be afraid to consult other therapists, get second opinions and reassess. It may be healing to express concerns and see them well received, it may also be healing to walk away and move on to someone who is more able to help you.

You won't know until you finally let your therapist know how the therapy is going for you.

 

[BoN-bOn]

She is a marriage & family counselor & does a lot of work with couples who are dealing with affairs. She does list trauma as one of her specialties & does EMDR, but I'm just not so sure she understands my complex traumas, or how to GET to me. & I don't even know how to tell her...isn't a therapist supposed to have some understanding of those things? I have felt like she really doesn't understand trauma that well. I feel like she isn't equipped to get through all of my coping mechanisms, or help me work through them so that I can GET to the feelings & emotions underneath. I know it's got to be frustrating for her when I have so much anxiety & suddenly can't speak. I just shut down. I know there are ways to get through that...I'm just not so sure she's going to be the one to do it. I usually leave there feeling a little bit heavier than I did when I went in. :(

 

[Muted]

Is it your therapist or is it because you literally can't talk?

 

[BoN-bOn]

Is it your therapist or is it because you literally can't talk?

I'm not so sure it isn't HER. I've been able to open up to people in the past. Today I felt like I was being interrogated & I just shut down when that happens. :(. There were also a few things she said that didn't sit right with me.

 

[Friday]

She is a marriage & family counselor & does a lot of work with couples who are dealing with affairs. She does list trauma as one of her specialties & does EMDR, but I'm just not so sure she understands my complex traumas, or how to GET to me. & I don't even know how to tell her...isn't a therapist supposed to have some understanding of those things?

Nope. Not really.

No more so than a dermatologist understands cardiac surgery, or a historian understands advanced maths, or a race car driver understands flying helicopters. Psychology, Medicine, Teaching, Driving, etc.... Are all huge fields. While there's some general shared knowledge in the base? People specialize for good reason. It's impossible to be an expert at everything.

Theres a really good little synopsis Of the difference between infidelity/betrayal & CritA trauma after effects (and why not all trauma = Trauma, and needs different handling) in the following article Abusing the Term Trauma

I had a really badass MFT during my divorce. He spent a solid year convincing me that it wasn't HIS speciality (which very much included brutal marriages & ugly divorces) that I needed, but a trauma therapist. He was right. The things that he was expert in? Included being able to spot people who needed different expertise. PTSD & Trauma weren't his specialty. Marriage & Families, were. Just like the GP who can spot when a patient needs a cardiologist, and refers them to a specialist, rather than having fairly normal heart problems that any good GP could treat.

<chuckling> He really was a phenom MFT. At least once a month or so he'd kind of laugh at me and go "So your avoiding going to see someone who specializes in trauma? Is a sign that you need help from someone who specializes in trauma! It's the things YOU don't want to talk about, look at, deal with... That you really need to. Non-trauma people don't avoid it. They're on it like white on rice. The more you balk, and refuse, and come up with excuses, and pounce on every other shiny thing that isn't trauma??? The more I know you need to go. And you know it, too." (Shhhhh. I'm FINE. That nonsense from a million years ago is NOT my problem. I LIKED that, I don't like this. Therefore is isn't that. It isn't. Lalalalalala. Next week? Same bat station? Same bat time?) Sigh. Poor man. A solid YEAR of convincing me. Truly. Damn good therapist. Just not the speciality I needed.

 

[BoN-bOn]

@BoN-bOn - have you discussed your concerns with the therapist? If not, why not?...

I guess maybe I should make one more appointment & be a big girl & tell her how I feel. That's hard for me to do, but it could go one of two ways...we part ways & I find someone more suitable, or maybe it will open the door of communication a little better.

 

[Friday]

but it could go one of two ways...we part ways & I find someone more suitable, or maybe it will open the door of communication a little better

SuperLike! Exactly. Win/Win.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Nope. Not really.

No more so than a dermatologist understands cardiac surgery, or a historian understan...

Wow, @Friday , that article was really good. When I first began with this therapist, she compared her own "trauma" of being cheated on with mine. Maybe I should have run out the door then, but I was so new to all this therapy stuff & wanted to give her a chance. I really believe she cares & is trying but she is just lacking the proper skills. Here I am almost a year later, still wanting to give her a chance.