How Do You Determine What You Deserve?

[lostforgottensoul]

*chuckles* Nope, I got a discharge date (yeehaw) & I'm gonna cling to it for dear life.

Yay!

Thinking about what I deserve - I know what I deserve, I was given very detailed lessons

Yep, ME TOO!

As for me, there needs to be no landslides between now and when I get discharged. Till then, I'm keepin' it all rainbows & bunny rabbits in my noggin:)

Haha! I love you!

Ok, more convos 'bout rainbows & bunny rabbits.

Oh, bunny rabbits...that just made me sad :(

But but, for you they are happy so more bunny rabbits for you!

 

[Changing4Best]

I often am offered rides to church and its functions, or just to go shopping or whatever. I do my best to repay these in my own way. I am always grateful and say thanks for the rides. Yesterday 3 people or 4 asked me if I needed a ride home. I felt so loved and cared about!

Later on, I asked for a ride to the hair dresser's and offered to pay for my neighbor to get a haircut too. I also took her and her hubby out to dinner for pizza. We all had a great evening shopping too. We were out for several hours. She loves her hair cut and I love mine. My hair is long enough to braid now! I somehow had missed that until I got it cut. So today I will wear braids in my hair. Just for fun. I deserve to look pretty, even though I am in my mid 60s. Beauty has no age!

 

[Lionheart]

I deserved unconditional love instead of child abuse, this much I am sure of. How do I know? I know because we are all vested with certain basic human rights and they include you and me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Lionheart777 I agree you didnt...i struggle with agreeing that i didnt.

 

[Sideways]

@Lionheart777 - that's the one of the few arguments where the intellectual part of my brain can trump the trauma part of my brain:
"Do I honestly believe, that out of the 6 billion people on this earth, I'm the one person who deserved this as a child?"
No, I don't. I want to. I've been trained to. But I don't believe that for a second.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

No, I don't. I want to. I've been trained to. But I don't believe that for a second.

Im in the same 'boat' if you will.

Edited to add. @Ragdoll Circus though my rational brain says it cant be true, what i was trained to believe, i beleve it anyway.

I had to re-read that a few times to, i think, know what you meant.

 

[Klo]

I don't really think in terms of "deserving" because it's way too messy and gets easily jacked up.

If I want something, I try to determine these things:
1. Is it going to hurt anybody else if I try to get this?
2. Is it going to hurt me if I try to get this?
3. Is it unrealistic for me to try to get this?

If all 3 answers are "no" then I figure it's cool to go for it.

If I want something from someone else, it's pretty similar:
1. Are they incapable of giving me that?
2. Is it going to harm them (even emotionally) to give me that?
3. Are they obviously unwilling to give me that?

If any of the answers are "yes" then I shouldn't expect it from them.

If it's a deal breaker for some reason, then I just cease contact. Like if it were a case that I want them to act respectfully towards me, and they aren't willing. Or I need them to not drink around me, and they're not capable because they're an alcoholic. Doesn't need to be dramatic or ugly, but I will just quietly cease contact.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Klo all great examples of how to make a decison at which I need as well so thanks for that.

Basically my issue is in my brain, I am the exception the the whatever bazillon people are in this planet...i deserved my past, i deserve all bad, i deserve to he hurt, i dont deserve love etc etc etc...and so a friend on another site asked me how I knew i deserved all of that and the only answer I could give was a blanketed answer of "because they said so" and "because of what i did and some still do" and i was frustrated at that so i was sort of looking to define how do we know that what we deserve to begin with?

Like how do you know you deserve to be loved and how do you know a prisoner deserves to be in prison. Sorta like that. Was trying to turn my own programming against itself if you will but alas, still sorta stuck...

 

[joeylittle]

Like how do you know you deserve to be loved and how do you know a prisoner deserves to be in prison.

You know because you decide.

There isn't a finite amount of love - it's a concept, it can't run out. So there is no way to measure who deserves more or less of it. It just is.

You decide what you are willing to give yourself. I understand that it's hard - that's why it's easiest to start self-compassion stuff in small steps. Try and do a nice thing for yourself, or identify one thing about yourself that you can see as good.

And it's the same with bad: it's utterly subjective. So you decide what you are willing to make yourself carry.

If I put someone in jail for 20 years because they were from the same town as a person who committed a major crime - well, most people would say that I am giving a 20 year sentence to a person who did nothing to deserve it.

Try and see the weight you carry, the bad stuff, as something tangible. Like weights racked up on a barbell.

Would you give that to a person who was just walking by? No - because they don't deserve it.

Try and see - Someone else gave you that weight you are carrying. The perpetrators loaded up the bars. They put it on your back. You did nothing to deserve it. You've just carried it for so long that you've convinced yourself that there must be a reason....but there isn't one.

It's a thing that happened to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @joeylittle ! Not simple but totally get what you're saying when you break it down.

My friend and I have been talking about choice. Well responsiblity specifically but that lead to choices. Got me thinking that my behaviors around my past, and my thinking are all automatic, i feel almost like a robot being controled by them still. It started to make me mad. Its been 17 yrs next month that ive been out and im still very much controled and though i want the controls back, i dont know how to take it back. How do I get to decide what I think, feel, & do?

I guess maybe the way ive been doing, slowly.

The emotions around in all are still too much to go near but as the conversation continues im finding less charge around it all and im finding i can feel what i havent in the past.

And the more i write & read, the more new emotions come up.

And it still boggles my mind i cried, one tear but still, about one thing in my past. It suprised me and i was all confused...like "what is this?" That sounds so stupid.

Anyway, thanks for that! It really helps to see that it really is about choices & decisions!

 

[scout86]

Got me thinking that my behaviors around my past, and my thinking are all automatic, i feel almost like a robot being controled by them still. It started to make me mad.

I think realizing that is huge. As far as I'm concerned, you "deserve" to consider recognizing that to be a major accomplishment! I think your assessment is correct and I think you're starting to see that mostly this is a choice. Hard, maybe, but still a choice. Now you are free to chose to think for yourself. :tup:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Now you are free to chose to think for yourself.

Not yet, but working on it...

And thank you for reconizing at least some progress. Im glad ive had some!