Poll Do You Have A Fear Of Abandonment?

[Friday]

Nope.

For a long time I had a fear of abandoning others. Finally came to the realization that (short version / civvie version) you can only abandon kids and pets. Everyone else can take care of their damn selves. They might not want to, but they can.

Came from a leave no man behind ethos. And I was f*cking search and rescue. This shit came hard in my personal life. Esp following years of being suicidal where I didn't give a damn about my own life if I could get one more starfish back in the sea. Just one more. Then the next. And the next. One of these days it would kill me, and so the f*ck what?

It took being back in the first world, where no one is damn wounded, and no one is under fire... For the rest to sink in. My leaving someone? Isn't abandoning them. Not unless they're a kid or a pet. I am not obligated to stay. I'm not even obligated to do everything I can. If I stay, it is my choice to. If they stay? It's theirs.

 

[Sandstone]

No, I think I hope for it. Being alone is so much easier and so much more normal for me. My OH and adult kids are staying firmly around and on my side and it is so HARD.

But i don't think I'd term it abandonment, I'd think of it as being left alone, in the sense of "Just leave me alone", not "I feel so alone"

 

[Rumors]

@FridayJones I can relate to the "saving everybody" method. It was the dynamic in my home life. My mom was so good at helping everyone else in the world except herself, well and her kids at times, but she would drive 500 miles to rescue a homeless person. In between the rescues she was pretty miserable and we usually rescued her. Sucked. I grew up thinking I had to help everyone. It was a daunting task and a large responsibility. However, at times when I may have been ready to throw in the towel I wondered what might happen to my friend John Doe if I weren't around... I also married a man I thought I could rescue. To a certain extent maybe I did but I have found out that you really can't rescue anyone except yourself.

 

[watundah]

Ah, Yes, the unromantic entwinement of trust and fear. My abandonment issues are pretty subliminal. I am happy to meet new friends but I believe at a subconscious level I expect every relationship to end. Therefore, very few get too deep into my heart. Logically this makes no sense since my spouse and I have been together forever and we have friendships that have lasted for over 10 years. Do I trust these friends and open up in an effort to foster real connection? Nope. This is where trust and fear of abandonment draw a line in the sand. When it comes to trust in therapy it's the same. Eventually that relationship terminates and that has been a hitch for me

 

[WillyKat]

I felt abandonment / betrayal because my mother knew something of the abuse, I think, bud did or said nothing. Teachers and my entire family noticed that I was severely stressed, but just shrugged their shoulders. As an adult, I spent decades telling myself "well, we lived in the rural backwater of what I call "Merde Vista" ("shit view" in Spanish) and they just weren't savvy enough to see something was wrong and that I needed help.

But in the mind of a six year old, after having been raped by his neighbor, and then threatened every day on the way to and from school on a bus, I internalized it as abandonment. And shame. Powerful stuff. So I still fear that, though it's one of the many things I'm working on.

 

[Digz]

Yes, hugely so. Although after 5 or 6 years of therapy it is significantly better. I don't fear the abandonment of my husband really, but I am still not good with female friendships. I always think there will be abandonment there and tend to distance myself because of this.
I think to a degree, if your PTSD is based on childhood trauma it's hard not to have abandonment issues because those around you were certainly not reliable.

 

[Ellabella44]

I think I just got used to most people being a passing acquaintance for a set period of time. It's like I should just really say " hi I'm ......, eventually I'll call you more than you get back to me so lets just quit right now."

The longest relationship outside of my family of origin, has been my husband. He's stayed, everyone else just uses the revolving door.

 

[Ronin]

I don't have the fear of abandonment; I have an expectation of it, and fear more the timing than the thing itself.

I have quite many fears about abandoning others, though. About being made to abandon them by circumstances outside of my control.

& Quite many betrayal traumas going along side that cut too deep for me to dwell on them too long. Keeping it light or suicidal darkness, I prefer to play it off. Smile. Oh-that. Well. That's X-days/months/years ago. It's nothing. It could be worse scenario.

 

[Chava]

Not much. I've never had strong enough connections to anyone. I probably tolerate rejection worse than average because I just have crappy skills and have hated myself most my life. I would say I was abandoned so early I don't even connect. I have a fear of getting close. I don't know what the f*ck to do with relationships...tend to avoid them or just do the good colleague/neighbor role.

 

[Suzetig]

Another yes here, I expect it and fear it when it does. It's something I'm working in but, like others, trust is a massive issue for me so it's slow, slow, slow.

 

[angrypanda]

Strong fear! Even my best friend, most trusted person EVER, still convinced she's going to leave me or stand me up ALL THE TIME!!! Granted I've been abandoned by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a best friend. My fears are justified and my "norm" but they were all super shitty people. But people are not perfect and even good people can leave . . . ugh!

 

[Ed Norton]

I'm not sure. There's people who won't abandon me. As far as girls, I used to care but now I don't care. I just warn them to bundle up in the winter because the bus schedule is screwed up.