Hi,
I too have great trouble with touch. The neglected side of me yearns for the healing powers of appropriate touch (comfort, connection, acceptance, affection, love...) and more normal interactions, which at times has left me exposed and hurt in the process.
Whereas, the abused side of me avoids it almost at all costs, unless I am not in my skin at that time (and anything remotely more intimate than a friendly hug means it is time to run). When I am embraced, even in the most harmless ways, my body stiffens and then it is gone. This gives me none of its precious gifts and leave me feeling even more alienated, lonely, and empty inside. Not to mention where it leaves me if the touch is anything but harmless.
I have found in a few extremely safe and rare settings that a firm (not light) touch on the shoulder or the interlocking of pinkies or a brief hug in passing can be tolerated or sometimes even ok.
I also found that the more I delved into my deprivation/neglect and the younger I felt when doing that work, the more I wanted the nurturing touch that I had never received but had seen others receive and revel in. And during that work there were a few times that I melted into the bent legs of another as they sat in a chair and I on the floor instead of just melting into myself or into the floor or into the sofa that in a way I felt "sort of had my back".
I have also learned much from the autistic community and children with autism in particular. For example, the use of a liked object to connect without actually touching but working towards that goal (like a hairbrush to stroke their hair in a comforting way or a weighted vest to feel a hug through). Also the use of deep muscle massage, with permission, education, and advanced notice of each move, instead of any soft or gentle touch which was far too overstimulating. I know not all of it applies to people with touch issues due to PTSD, but I, in my own PTSD life, have experienced some overlap.
Anyhow, I have read the forum rules and hope that I have not missed anything that would prohibit the following, but unfortunately I was unable to insert this particular link.
I will not spoil the meditative words of insight and reflection that follow with those of my own, but rather choose to let them speak for themselves and for me.
It is aptly entitled "Skin" and is from the album "Wholly" by "The Wyrd Sisters". It is my wish that you come to see your own skin and the skin of others in a new and more hopeful light. And in turn safe life-affirming touch.
SKIN - (spoken words set to gently enveloping music):
"Listen to me.
I want to tell you something.
I want you to sit back, close your eyes and think about this:
I want you to look at this thing we do,
this living,
and the vast complicated world we live in;
and the joy and suffering we experience -
the victories, the losses, the fear, the love.
There's so much to learn,
and we're just too short on time
and we're too short on knowledge.
Think of your skin.
In our skin it's too easy to feel how small and insignificant we are.
I want to tell you what I've learned about skin,
who we are within and without of this skin.
I want to tell you about the blessing and the beauty of skin,
the curse and the crime of it.
Let me tell you what I know about the secret of skin.
Skin is a roadmap of our lives;
every freckle is a footprint,
and every scar is a snapshot of a point along our journey.
Our skin is unique to us -
its color and scent
its solace and safety.
Think about the dips, the valleys and the pleasures of it -
in giving, in receiving and knowing
But we think our skin separates us from each other.
In our darker moments we fear that this shell that holds our spirits is also our prison.
If we can't understand the secret of skin, we're just like a dog who's only known a short rope,
and we sniff the air around our small worlds and snarl at those who walk too close.
In the confines of this, our skin, we forget who we are and think we're something we're not:
alone,
separate,
isolated.
But we're not alone.
We're part of each other;
we're part of the world, the universe and beyond.
Within us, without us and through us, we belong.
So if there's one thing we need to know and only one thing,
please believe this:
We are here for a purpose.
Know that you are here for a reason;
know that you have a right to be here.
You have a right to belong;
you have a right to speak, to breathe, to sing, to pray, to cry, to love, to shout out your hope and despair,
to reach out to others, to give, to receive, to know.
There is a beauty in you;
a beauty that is unique only to you.
And that you have gifts to offer this world that no one else has.
That you have a light within yourself that shines as bright as any star.
And know that if you remove yourself from this, the whole,
we all become that much smaller.
So celebrate the skin,
celebrate yourself,
celebrate the world.
Know that your skin is here to allow you to feel the hands you reach out to hold!
END OF SKIN
