Do You Know What Happiness Feels Like?

[MissingPieces]

This is the question my wife asked me. I didn't know how to answer. My own mom said, "he was always angry, I don't think he has PTSD". Again, no response. As I sit here, I feel incredibly worthless and as though the only impact I make is a negative one. I have a full time job, don't self medicate (though I daydream often about washing these thoughts away), and I've never raised my hand in anger towards my wife/family. I'm trying so incredibly hard and it seems all for nothing. The only time I get the feeling I remember to be something other than anger, it's because my daughter has just given me a hug or smiled at me. I'm told I make the decision to feel this way. I'd like to know when I chose this because it wouldn't be something I'd pick conciously.

I'm just waiting for the day she decides I'm not worth it and I come home to an empty house. I'm trying but apparently it's not enough.

 

[combatgoldfish]

PTSD take away emotions like happiness and replace them with anger and depression. Most of us have those two emotions down solid.

It's not up to a parent to make that kind of judgement. I wouldn't even process her opinion as anything to take to heart. Unless your mother is a doctor and can diagnosis you. I'm safe to assume she is not. We don't choose PTSD, it choose us.

You shouldn't feel worthless, as much as you'd like to. You have a relationship and a full time job. That's a big drive right there.

It's up to you to give those loved one's a heads up when the beast knocks on the door. Communication is going to be key even if it's just "Hey, having a PTSD moment or day" This can help in a relationship. Doing random things sometimes can help as well like buying her flowers or cooking dinner, going out, etc. Just those little things that can help.

Drink water, drive on, hooah

 

[MissingPieces]

Combatgoldfish,
You're right. She is not the person to be making such an assessment.

It's my mother though, so it hurts that much more. She has always been someone I've respected greatly.

I go long periods without sleeping or eating because I'm off in lala land trying to figure things like this out or simply enjoying not feeling at that moment and don't want to lose it.

The beast seems to be ever present and always active in one way or another.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Hey man, have you tried to show her any good video's on PTSD? I know how it feels it's the worst when those closest to you have no idea. Sucks ass. My Mom told me awhile back I was like a walking time bomb. Also same thing that I was always angry.

Something else as well. Its hard on our mothers. Maybe its at first they don't want to accept that we have the beast, yet.
It worries them. My mom used to always tell me not to come home f*cked up. Not much I could do about that. Just kinda happened.

We got it and the only way is forward.
If I even try to bring some of this shit up or talk about how I found out such and such information about this and that, in one ear and out the other. They have no idea. And it's a blow to the chest every time I see them roll their eye's or dismiss what it is I have to say. Now when I just start getting paraded questions about where I've been or isolation I just say, "I have a f*cking disability guys...This shit ain't no joke." They usually say, "Well gosh, okay..."

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, PTSD does not do all the damage. Think about military training, boot camp, you didn't dare smile. If you were at work you did not laugh and carry on, only at the boozer or down the mess hall. You were not even allowed to show grief. We had to be like that to survive. Only because we had to function when a mate was blown to kingdom come. It's also the reason women were not allowed in combat units in the early days.
One because guys used to fawn all over girls and two, women had more emotions, now it's pretty much across the board.

So mate, you were f*cked to start with, it's the depression part of PTSD that kicks your arse.

 

[Spock]

Hey man, have you tried to show her any good video's on PTSD?..."I have a f*cking disability guys..."

A "combat wound" that relates to a federally recognized disability (VA &/or SSD if filed for) just like any other combat wound can. Physiological combat wound is another description. Just adding that because a lot of vets won't give themselves enough credit or belittle the wounds they suffered, so some subtle shift in terminology helps them break that stigma. Although we have fun referring to it as such, we're not crazy, we have various combat wounds that physically changed our brains.

I spoke with a Nam Marine Vet recently that said the same thing as Jimmy points out, that Marine training took his emotions away for a reason, for survival.

I was gonna suggest what Doc noted, show her/them a video, so you're not trying to explain yourself. Let the doctors and other vets do it for you. Show them the HBO movie War Torn, Frontline's "The Wounded Platoon," AttitudeLive's "Hidden Wounds of War," any of several movies of vets after or during combat or this one from our media section that is designed for couples:
Link Removed

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

MissingPieces,

You said. "The only time I get the feeling I remember to be something other than anger, it's because my daughter has just given me a hug or smiled at me". That my Brother is a huge step back to a world that still has beauty. And, isn't it amazing that it comes from a child. They are the few who have the ability to see past the beast.

Watch your daughter closely, and little by little you'll begin to see the world through her eyes. It won't make the beast go away. But, it will take you out of the killing fields for a little while.

SD

 

[Friday]

My mom's a Navy-Wife (marine-mom). When I came home on leave to just smoke and stare at infinity, she let me. When I came home to pandemonium with no notice (hey, leave & liberty gets revoked, I always tried to be on a plane by then) and didn't give a damn because it smelled right, she rolled her eyes at me. When I came home picking fights she'd scream at me until I was done, and then we'd go have lunch or something. And when I came home and slept for a few months straight? (I moved. From bed asleep to couch asleep. To bed asleep.) she fed me. When I would disappear for months and years at a time? She picked up conversations like they never stopped.

In talking to her, over the years, about any of this shit? I'm the same happy-go-lucky kid she raised. And she won't hear a word to the contrary.

I'm always going to be 5 years old in my mom's eyes (or the petulant teen, neither of whom made their bed, she's eternally shocked to see my bed made). She sees her baby. She doesn't see me. That's okay. Not particularly useful. But okay.

***

I still see my son as the little kid he used to be. And the first time the Beast curled up and went to sleep was when I did was SD says. Saw the world through his eyes. Kids will make you cross eyed, put your head through drywall, and suddenly realize why (a number of redacted things)... But they also do something to your soul. I'm pretty dang sure it's known as happy. Joy. Wonder. Peace. And then they flush your phone.

 

[MissingPieces]

It's not for a lack of understanding, I simply think she is in denial. I don't think she wants to accept what has become a very large part of my life. She doesn't want to believe that the happy, always smiling soul she raised, left her arms and came back empty. Like Friday said, "I'm always going to be 5 years old in my mom's eyes". Sadly my eyes are now filled with death, hatred, and a dire need to resurface from a world I'm no longer familiar with.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey mate, it's a real tough time. When you think about it, it's like abuse, to put it bluntly. You are angry for no reason, you are prickly most likely, your kids may be scared of you like mine are of me.

So it's a big step for her. It's probably not acceptance that she is struggling with, it's the question of whether she can raise a family and deal with you. You are not the person she married. You are still you and with a lot of work and understanding, she can make it work.

My wife took me on after the case. Any woman who takes on a man with PTSD must have very thick skin, a sense of humour, and undying love.

 

[MissingPieces]

It happened. I went home to an empty house last night. She went to my parents and I haven't heard from her since. My parents want me to see a counselor, but I don't want to do it again. I'm tired of the medical process and becoming familiar with someone that will just try and put me on mind numbing drugs again. I'm lost.

 

[Spock]

You aren't gonna just sit in an empty house and not do anything. Take advantage of the peace and quiet to chart things out. Stay ahead of the beast. Sitting around mad will get old eventually, for everyone. You can be mad, we all are, but it works better for us as long as we have coping options.