When “I love you” from a friend feels like too much

[Justmehere]

There have been a couple of times he reinforced the platonic nature of his love for me... Which is just... ugh. Glad it's platonic but this is still too close. Too much. I think there is also too much contact coming from him.

I'm working on boundary setting. Every day he is asking to talk about his emotions. Every. day. I keep saying no. Yesterday I said, "no, I'm with others and can't talk today." He took it fine, and I need to continue to get really comfy with saying an easy "no." I decided that the next time he asks to talk, I have to tell him, "I can't do phone call talks, my schedule doesn't allow the time for it, I'm glad to talk during our walks every few weeks."

He's now talking of suicide. It's not blantant "I will kill myself if you don't call me." I think he is just genuinely in a lot of pain. He's got a million resources and many people to call, and he does call them, and he is getting back into treatment... and he is pushing anxiously for a lot of closeness with me to reduce his pain, not because of a healthier balance. I think he is doing this with others too. He speaks of people setting limits of 15-30 minute talks, and others speaking for hours with him. Like every day all day... like what the heck? He said he wants my joy to rub off on him. Huh? Uh. I'm not here to be used for his enjoyment. I don't know, not sure the concept I'm trying to grasp.

The whole thing is shifting really fast, I do believe things for him now on a course for hospitalization. I didn't bring this up, he did. He said he has been depressed before and suicidal to the point his doc and therapist advocated for hospitalization, and that this time is much worse, but he doesn't need a hospital. He assured me that he will stay alive. I didn't ask about any of this, he just said it all. He's got support in spades. Frankly, I wish I had the support he has in his life.

Every interaction with him leaves me exhausted. So much freaking closeness that he wants - if it's not "I love you because..." it's something else. I have other friends with deep depression who have shared about MUCH more about being very suicidal than him, and I have not ever left those interactions feeling this way, not once... but with him, I do. It's not the depression or emotions or suicidality. It's the self-absorption and intense closeness-seeking that gets to me. Today I told him, the world doesn't revolve around his mistakes. Point blank told him that. I meant it to be encouraging but also a little like, "dude, stop making everything about you!" Anything anyone says about themselves, he turns it into a huge thing all about him.

No more of this vampire-like seeking such intense closeness with me. From now on, our talks are going to be 1-2 times a month, like they were. I've GOT to hold that boundary. Or I can't really be his friend. I will know that if this continues like it is, all this super intense closeness seeking, I'll snap and shut down and block him entirely. The best way I can be a friend to him is to make it clear I can do the closeness we had and he's got to find supports elsewhere if he wants more closeness.

It feels like the same feeling if someone was standing WAY too close and talking in my face. It feels like that. I love you or not. It's too close. :(

 

[joeylittle]

@Justmehere - reading your post #25, above - I would suggest you go ahead and send him a message telling him you can't help support him right now. Something along the lines of "I can't help you right now, because I'm struggling with things in my life, and I have to help myself. It would help me if you would stop texting and calling me - I am OK saying this to you because I know you have other people in your life, and I know you care about me and would want me to be honest. I will contact you when I'm able. Meanwhile, take care and keep reaching out to others."

There's a fair bit of NLP in the above, but it's worked for me in past similar situations.

Odds are, you'll feel like checking in with him eventually - and when you do, a message like this puts you in the drivers seat for setting the amout and type of communication going forward. It sounds like he needs a lot of help right now, and it's great that he has other sources of support. You don't have to be one of them, right now.

 

[Mee]

I just want to say I am impressed how you are dealing with this.

‘I love you’ can be super stressful for me, and I wonder if it might be for a number of others, because statistically the people who are closed to us, or SAY they love us, are the most likely to hurt us?

I have a female acquaintance who says ‘oh I love you’, and ‘ that’s why we love you’ a lot. But she doesn’t. She barely knows me. I have point blank asked her not to, she doesn’t so I have stepped back.

I am ‘ok’ though recognise love makes me vulnerable. I use the word with my closest friends, my dh , and my pets multiple times a day. I do think it’s possible to ‘love Chocolate’ ( I have seen people very upset by that kind of usuage, doesn’t bother me! )

I really ‘love’ ?? the idea of clarification of where you stand and how you feel about this with the friend. If it doesn’t stop and you aren’t comfortable how far would you go to enforce a boundary? Reduce contact? Create distance?

Again, I am so impressed and I think your airing this is possibly going to help me next time it arises . So thanks too.