When “I love you” from a friend feels like too much

[Teasel]

I guess there are plenty of people who can get over attached or talk too much and not see your cues of I've got to go now without it having anything to do with romantic feelings. And they can be perfectly nice people. Still perfectly understandable for it to feel uncomfortable for you though.

 

[Mach123]

Men want sex and they go around women for it. Women want men to come around for something else I guess? You know what's going on and you said so. Anything nice you do or say he'll interpret as your being ok with the idea. Act accordingly.

 

[Innordinate]

Men want sex and they go around women for it.

wtaf dude?

Not every guy makes every f*cking friendship with women about sex.
you can go around women without thinking about or wanting sex... ffs!


she even said she thinks he means "love you" in the platonic sense.

I’m pretty sure it’s platonic. It’s just not his style for it not to be

and maybe it's not- the only person who knows is him and @Justmehere if you don't feel comfortable with him saying that then just let him know.
Someone said it well.... re-assert your friendship is just friendship and will be nothing more, ask him to stop saying "I love you" - you have that right.

I had a friend who differentiated between "I love you" and "luv ya".... love you she reserved for actual romantic feelings. Luv ya she used for like everyone else.

"thanks babes, luv ya!" type thing

maybe hes doing the luv ya thing but generationally- slang isnt a thing for him. you can only find out for sure if you ask/talk about it.

 

[Rani G2]

feel like it’s asking something from me. It’s not. But it feels like it.

This catches my eye, maybe you could investigate closer @Justmehere
If there is an aspect of yours that tries very hard to preserve the boundary which was once violated and now exploring relationships, various kinds you somehow trying your best to keep safe, at the same time to give away (Whatever that means, giving away, loosing? Not necessarily) and wanting to share genuinely, yet keeping those boundaries protected. It is exhausting...
I come from a emotional space that was hidden under concrete, well concealed, and I do struggle with the letting others in, how much to reveal, and how much can and should I engage?

 

[grit]

You sound completely and utterly in control and reasonable about this. However, I would advise you do not engage this type of conversation over texting. Honestly it hardly ever ends well. However, in your next walk or so, you can just say casually without adding all your other emotions (right or wrong doesn't matter...they are your feelings) and say you know something Kevin, I really enjoy being with you and you are a good friend but I feel uncomfortable with "I love yous". I have my own issues and it does not work for me. I hope you understand or something to that affect... Thank you so tell me more about some other story you guys have in common or talk about it.

**edited for clarification and completion*** Mod - feel free to delete my previous post.

 

[Mach123]

wtaf dude?

Not every guy makes every f*cking friendship with women about sex.
you can go around women without thinking about or wanting sex... ffs!


she even said she thinks he means "love you" in the platonic sense.



and maybe it's not- the only person who knows is him and @Justmehere if you don't feel comfortable with him saying that then just let him know.
Someone said it well.... re-assert your friendship is just friendship and will be nothing more, ask him to stop saying "I love you" - you have that right.

I had a friend who differentiated between "I love you" and "luv ya".... love you she reserved for actual romantic feelings. Luv ya she used for like everyone else.

"thanks babes, luv ya!" type thing

maybe hes doing the luv ya thing but generationally- slang isnt a thing for him. you can only find out for sure if you ask/talk about it.

I posted my opinion and you don't have to swear at me if you don't agree. I understand also what you said is true I wouldn't sleep with every woman I know even supposing I could. But I was relating to that post and that behavior she described.

 

[Justmehere]

All the responses are super helpful! Thanks! I’m realizing a pattern for me happening right now.

“Worst case” scenario the guy wants romance. I highly strongly doubt it. But let’s say that’s what this is... that’s not an insult. (I’m saying this to myself, not anyone else here.) I’m not interested, but it’s not mean to say you have feelings for someone... but I’m irritated like it’s a major push. It’s not.

He just threw something out there. I’d like to have a lighthearted response. Like a text back like maybe, “Thanks, and just in case this needs to be said, not interested in romance, but I do enjoy our walks together! How’s your day going?” Something like that. It’s just a geeky lonely retired dude maybe needing a redirect, a nudge, so we can stay friends. Whatever his intent, he’ll take that fine. Or he won’t and I know to hold a boundary. I can do boundaries with overt pushing past a clearly set “no.” I got experience with assholerly in spades. Nice geeky men who don’t pick up on super subtle boundaries?

Internally, I’m REALLY annoyed. I really want to have the jovial “hey, dude, reminder, here’s the line... “ and just carry on... But my energy is like I’ve been insulted or offended. Like how dare he. :/ ugh. I’m in knots.

I need to make a shift.

My boss offered a tiny promotion and said I was a “rockstar” to work with and she’s having me train my future replacement for my slightly lower position. Promotion and training the replacement comes with some difficulty to make it happen that she doesn’t know about. (My personal transport issues.) I can solve it but I’m insecure about it.

Internally, when she said I was a “rockstar,” (and kinda went on about it) I thought, “don’t pressure me!” My therapist slowed me way down when I told her. She was like uh. That’s not pressure, that’s a compliment and someone trying to put the best people in the best places.

The job itself requires boundaries of steel, but like I got that part! Like my role is defined and clear and whatever. I dunno why it works but then... it’s different when my boss is praising me?

I don’t think I can do nice very well, and I need to build up that skill set. I’m so used to the assholes. Not so sure how to deal with the nice people who want connection with me. I think I feel super insecure about something. I also am stressed when it feels like people *need* me which is odd because I show up for people in need all the time. :/

It’s all stressing me out something weird!

 

[Rani G2]

Sacrificing Authenticity for Attachment: The Adaptive Survival Responses of Children and Their Influence on Future Relationships - Vince Gowmon

Not sure if helpful...atleast just to remember.

 

[grit]

I think it is worth for you to differentiate internal feelings (based more or less your past or schemes) and the present reality of others' needs and reactions. I think if you see these two the same or hard to differentiate, it becomes extremely hard to maintain any kind of relationship. Based on your past experiences, your reaction to him or to these i love yous is right and valid but how you externalize it or act out toward him needs much more measured approach because honestly you do not know ever if he has romantic feelings or platonic in his head (regardless of what he shows outside).

What I am saying is obvious and you know it already for sure but it is good to articulate it even more verbally for you to learn, change, assess after the intensity of the reaction to the end result and integrate so your internal reactions are not always so intense.
There is no any other way to learn in life other than taking advantage of little situations like this before an experience becomes a major one.

 

[Gs172003]

All the responses are super helpful! Thanks! I’m realizing a pattern for me happening right now.

“Worst case” scenario the guy wants romance. I highly strongly doubt it. But let’s say that’s what this is... that’s not an insult. (I’m saying this to myself, not anyone else here.) I’m not interested, but it’s not mean to say you have feelings for someone... but I’m irritated like it’s a major push. It’s not.

He just threw something out there. I’d like to have a lighthearted response. Like a text back like maybe, “Thanks, and just in case this needs to be said, not interested in romance, but I do enjoy our walks together! How’s your day going?” Something like that. It’s just a geeky lonely retired dude maybe needing a redirect, a nudge, so we can stay friends. Whatever his intent, he’ll take that fine. Or he won’t and I know to hold a boundary. I can do boundaries with overt pushing past a clearly set “no.” I got experience with assholerly in spades. Nice geeky men who don’t pick up on super subtle boundaries?

Internally, I’m REALLY annoyed. I really want to have the jovial “hey, dude, reminder, here’s the line... “ and just carry on... But my energy is like I’ve been insulted or offended. Like how dare he. :/ ugh. I’m in knots.

I need to make a shift.

My boss offered a tiny promotion and said I was a “rockstar” to work with and she’s having me train my future replacement for my slightly lower position. Promotion and training the replacement comes with some difficulty to make it happen that she doesn’t know about. (My personal transport issues.) I can solve it but I’m insecure about it.

Internally, when she said I was a “rockstar,” (and kinda went on about it) I thought, “don’t pressure me!” My therapist slowed me way down when I told her. She was like uh. That’s not pressure, that’s a compliment and someone trying to put the best people in the best places.

The job itself requires boundaries of steel, but like I got that part! Like my role is defined and clear and whatever. I dunno why it works but then... it’s different when my boss is praising me?

I don’t think I can do nice very well, and I need to build up that skill set. I’m so used to the assholes. Not so sure how to deal with the nice people who want connection with me. I think I feel super insecure about something. I also am stressed when it feels like people *need* me which is odd because I show up for people in need all the time. :/

It’s all stressing me out something weird!

Something you could maybe say is " thanks! You're such a great friend!"

I think that would keep him in that line of thinking knowing that is how you feel about him...

 

[Justmehere]

I think the “thanks friend!” approach is right for this situation. Positive and defining. Sent that back to him. :)

He called today, and I had 10 minutes to talk (told him upfront)... and he started off telling me he realized recently he has a mental illness and gets overly exuberant and overly down at times (I had noticed) and thanked me for not taking his words too strongly. He told me of steps he’s taking to better manage it and that he really appreciated me as a friend and just wanted me to know. Whew. That worked out like I hoped! I’m going to work on continuing to communicate those positive boundaries like “yeah I have such-and-such minutes I can talk and then a hard stop at such-and-such time” with him. And others.

I need to work on undoing whatever’s got me all twisted up about being vulnerability authentic with people about my needs. I’m open, but not vulnerably/needy open, with people offline.

I think I also realized that when I’m struggling, I find the “thinking of you” check-ins helpful but not the “are you ok?” check-ins, and I can actually let my friends know in a non-critical but encouraging way. Even this morning, I dared to be momentarily vulnerable in a tiny way, and told him I had medical symptoms today. I said it in a positive way, I had a bad round of nausea but just got a great breakfast down and headed out to door! Right away, he was like “oh are you ok?”

He does know I have an incurable medical condition. He looked it up and actually understands it more than any other friend has ever said (one of his not self absorbed things). So uh. He said this morning that my vulnerability about it was helpful to him. Inspiring. (Cue me fighting my internal eye roll - which is all just me and my stuff right now.)

I think I can just say in the future to him and others something like, “Thanks for checking in, while I’ll never be symptom-free “ok,” find it helpful to know someone is thinking of me when I am having rough days. :)” Or something more concise. Lol.

Because while he is looking for reassurance for his worry... which is about him more than me... he is also probably trying to connect and be supportive the best way he knows how.

Maybe with some re-directs like that or something I can teach my friends “are you ok?” is not ever going to lead to the reassurance they want or helping me feel better. But they’ll learn something that helps me feel better, without my being critical and then feeling bad like they did something wrong.

It’s better than, “I can’t help you feel not worried about me.” I haven’t ever said this, but I sure have thought it.

I gotta sharpen my relationship skills on this stuff!

 

[candor]

Wow Justmehere. Your last post really moved me. I am really glad that things worked out for you both as it did. It takes courage to say the truth as he did about his own condition and it seems that you both put a lot of thought into how to say things. It takes time to find a language that is not triggering. I myself have dropped saying “Are you ok?” I think that as innocent as it may seem it actually can put someone in a position where they start worrying that you are worried. Living in Scandinavia, I also have stopped throwing around “I love you” as we don’t want to inflate its value. However, this post caught my eye cause I just said those words to a buddy of mine and he returned them to me in a platonic way. That was 5 minutes ago but I have known him for 40 yrs and we had never said that before. I prefer saying “ I love spending time with you” or “ You make me so happy” cause it might be less triggering to some. Lastly, I will mention that some with issues get uncontrollable waves of euforia and that can cause emotions to be expressed in a way that either seem too intense or inappropriate. When I had a meltdown, I couldn’t handle being around anyone expressing too many emotions. I think you really handled yourself well.