When “I love you” from a friend feels like too much

[Justmehere]

I say “love you” and “lots of love to you” to a very select few super long term friends who know for sure it’s platonic type of “love you” and it’s been after they have said it.

There is an older retired neighbor (a bit away) that I met through a faith community who is super well liked and respected. He is relatively safe. I’ve invited him on walks with my dog and I. He talks, I listen, he feels less lonely and I don’t mind the company now and then. He’s kind to me, and helped me with a ride to the doc in a pinch now and then.

He’s super duper depressed with retirement related issues. He’s being confronted by others for being a bit self absorbed, and he is, but he is graciously working on it. I don’t expect him to change and keep the boundaries I need... which has gotten increasingly difficult lately. At his request I’ve connected him to other supports and counseling and he’s back and forth on it, but making progress. He has never been married no kids and is super sad about it. We are from completely different walks of life and he is starting to idealize me as being amazingly cheerful. (Omg if only he knew!) He’s old enough to be my father, made no romantic moves... until maybe now? I don’t know.

The texts and phone calls to me are increasing... I keep holding boundaries of responding when I can and making it clear when I can engage. Now over the past two days...he is texting “I love you.” Like... “Cloudy weather today huh? I love you!” Several types of these texts a day. I texted back once with “yep super rainy!” I didn’t quite know what to do and texting is weird anyhow. I don’t like lots of it. And “I love you?”

Uh.

What do I do with this? I think I need to say to slow down or something... I don’t know... this feels off. Too much too close. I’m struggling with so much I can’t be his dumping ground and I can’t be the reciprocater on “I love you.” I don’t want that. I also can’t easily just avoid him. Argh. I push people away a lot. Should I just accept he says that because he says that or tell him hey, that’s great but please know... well he already knows this is platonic, and he expresses he hopes I find someone else to marry so I don’t end up like him. So. What the heck does “I love you!” mean in this context? Omg. I can’t handle closeness so badly. :( I don’t want to stop being friends, it’s ok? Maybe? That he cares so much about me... or his idea of me... and yet, this is too much and I’m shutting down and not sure how to tell him. Should I? I could just ignore it. Hmm. I don’t know what to do with this.

 

[HealingMama]

That's a tough one. If it were me I would text back "you love me like a daughter or..."? Would you be able to receive the love if he's feeling more of a kinship than a romantic bond? What does accepting love mean about you?

 

[Tinyflame]

Ugh. that's difficult. You could say I feel uncomfortable when you say that. Or say nothing and then when/ if he says something or more in person just say the truth. When I've been in that position, regardless of the other's age, I just say "(x- it's because you're having troubles in your marriage, or you're depressed or , etc), and I know you better". And then I don't hold it against them, so they won't feel embarassed. And usually the air will clear pretty quickly. Often they thank me (eventually, or just say something like, 'you're a great woman'). In this case, you could say it's with the inevitable challenges of retirement. One of my sisters has always done the same, and it's worked very well.

If that's not helpful, just disregard.

 

[Ronin]

Is there any chance he means it in a Christian sense, caring for the person and wishing them all the best and being free from harm and inner struggles alike, and has no way of expressing that kind of complex care in words but to speak of love?

Since both (his) age and faith.
I would assume words mean different things, first, generational thing.

 

[Gs172003]

You could ask him what he means.
One of my husband and I's best friends is 78 years old. He just lost his wife but when she was sick and he was caring for her still we would help him. He tells me he loves me all the time. We were the only people that were there for him no matter what and it meant alot to him. He sees us as like kids to him. Maybe your friend is thankful for everything you've done for him, too.

 

[MrMoonlight]

You could say I feel uncomfortable when you say that

I think nippin' it in the bud so to speak is best for both of you. I like the direct way @Tinyflame put it. I feel a little uncomfortable when you say that to me though I do love you as a friend....or some version of that. It's honest, to the point and no way to misinterpret things.

 

[Sideways]

Nope.

Maybe he’s being nice. He’s entitled to be told “that’s not appropriate”. He’s old enough that his ego will recover from that, and if he honestly doesn’t know that’s too intimate? Then let him know, so that he can communicate with others more appropriately. As a friend, yeah? Because if it genuinely isn’t a come on, then he’s probably doing it to other people as well.

Kind of like telling your friend when they have something stuck in their teeth - you go for a moment of embarrassment and tell them, rather than letting them humiliate themselves for the rest of the day.

But maybe he likes you and he’s putting that out there. Sounds more likely. In which case? He’s trying the soft approach, which is respectful enough. Do him a favour and clear that up. Again, it’s just going to get more humiliating him more the longer it goes on.

Doesn’t need to be a big deal. Simple and clear: “Look, we’re just friends, and the ‘I love you’s make me uncomfortable”. Shows respect for yourself, and respect for him.

Whether his ego can handle that? Is out of your hands. But it’s not appropriate for “just friends”, which is all you’re offering him. Whether he’s interested in ‘just friends’ is his call.

And anyway, a little awkwardness over you letting him down now? Is no doubt a whole lot easier than what could happen if/when it escalates. For both of you.

 

[Butterfly64]

I am from Scandinavia and I guess we are a little bit different from people in e.g. The States, UK and other countries. We definitely do not throw around with I love you. I never ever say that to my very best friends...not even those I have known for over 40 years. I like them a lot! I appreciate them, I am fond of them...but to me, saying I love you is reserved for my family and a boyfriend/ husband. So maybe I am not the best to offer advice, coming from a country where we don’t stay “ I love you” to friends, but here goes; If it makes you uncomfortable say something like; “I really appreciate you, but saying/texting I love you, is a bit too much for me”.

 

[grit]

You sound completely and utterly in control and reasonable about this. I would advise you do not engage this type of conversation over texting. Honestly it hardly ever ends well. However, in your next walk or so, you can just say casually without adding all your other emotions (right or wrong doesnot matter...they are your feelings) and say you know something Kevin, I really enjoy being with you and you are a good friend but I feel uncomfortable with "I love yous". I have my own issues and it does not work for me. I hope you underanstand. Thank you so tell me more about what happens with that

 

[Rani G2]

That he cares so much about me... or his idea of me... and yet, this is too much and I’m shutting down and not sure how to tell him. Should I? I could just ignore it. Hmm. I don’t know what to do with this.

@Justmehere...not the ideal source here for advice as I dont have real friends and never had. I was wondering if you could go straight away on directly asking. I'm very boundary defending... and I usually prefer eye to eye discussion.

I‘m similar to Butterfly64, certain phrases should be placed carefully on the right place with care. The moment I become unconscious and inflationary with sentences like „l Love you“ when not meant genuinely, what does that Do to me internally?

 

[Teasel]

I'd probably go with your gut feeling, which seems to be ugh! Not saying I'm right by any means, I think I would similarly be uncomfortable with this. Agreed with others who say about making a point that let's him know it's not reciprocal, kindly.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m dealing with so much right now, nothing he has any idea about... and I’m getting feedback from others that I feel pressured too easily and too quickly. I struggling with boundaries, getting overwhelmed and then the next thing that happens that is a slight nudge feels like a shove. I gotta untangle my boundaries and tolerating closeness.

I’m pretty sure it’s platonic. It’s just not his style for it not to be. But. It still bothers me a lot. I feel like it’s asking something from me. It’s not. But it feels like it.

I feel like I’ve got nothing more to give to him. I’ve been a friend. I listened and listened and listened... I feel used up. Not just with him but I’m every front. There is another friend that had a crisis lately and just... I’d say I can talk for 5 minutes and then at 5 minutes I say I gotta go, and he’d keep talking. I end up almost yelling over him a second or even third time, “hey, have a great day gotta run!” He really wanted to go for lunch - his treat - confirmed friendship - to thank me for listening... but like... I dunno. I’m not sure what’s getting to me. These are nice people. They have done kind things for me - very kind things, and we have had the this-is-totally-platonic talks. They were adamant too that yeah we are totally friends and it’s not romantic.

“I love you” or gifts from guys (or anyone) that is stuck on themselves or not great wirh my kinda weak boundaries doesn’t feel good. At all. It feels so gross. I’m don’t understand why. I don’t want to react out of exhaustion.

I’m also so exhausted I don’t have anything to talk about it now... but soon. I’ll approach it soon.