Do You Tell Him Everything?

[RavenGirl]

maybe a good criteria is that the "right" person cares about you enough to both notice and ask. (And then DOESN'T use it against you.)

I agree with that statement. My husband noticed a lot of my "quirks" but just accepted them as part of the package that came with me. The biggest thing that surprised me was when we were dating and things were starting to get serious. I never disclosed my diagnosis as I didn't have one at that time. What I did do was this. I said to him, "if you EVER even think of abusing me in any way shape or form you better make it good because if I live through it and you fall asleep I'll make sure you NEVER wake up again! " Needless to say he was hurt and shocked that I'd even say that to him, but he loved me enough to stay with me anyways. We have now been married almost 27yrs! I disclosed this year about my past and he said, "so many things make sense now." I believe If the love is truly there they won't run. Only you know when it's a good time for you to disclose. Good luck with your relationship, as I know there are some good ones out there.

 

[halflifeguy]

So much great discussion in these forums... and real topics. Just tackling this issue now, sharing, and the posts are so comforting and thought provoking. Thank you all!

Personally, coming out to close or casual friends no (though some lifelong friends know what I went through), work colleagues no, spouse inevitably if the symptoms are having a negative impact... and even then, beforehand thinking through the effect on the spouse, where their mind is gonna go with the information, what to share based on the benefit/need.

 

[Lin74]

A couple months ago I tried disclosing my past abusive relationship (2 years ago) to a new-ish partner (three months in). I wanted to see if it could develop into a relationship and I just needed to say something. I have other things going in my life, for the past few years it's been a neverending cycle of grief and damage (two elderly parents one of whom is quite ill, family members passing away regularly and a stressful job to boot).

I tried to keep the details out of it, because between my sick mother and the past abusive relationship I didn't think he needed to know EVERYTHING. But I was also in a bit of a spot because in an effort to try and change the workplace culture around attitudes towards violence towards women, I'd disclosed a sexual assault I endured eight years ago on a public forum. So, I just felt I had to say something because it could get back to him. And in the weeks leading up to disclosing I found myself having panic attacks.

Anyways, it really didn't go well. His response, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm sorry it has to be an all or nothing thing." And then he promptly cut me off and started dating another woman. He didn't even acknowledge what I'd told him about my last relationship.

So yeah, I just haven't been right since. Lost 23 lbs. Keeping to myself. I don't even want to try dating anymore. My bed is my favourite place. I think the problem is no one seems to really listen or care. That assault from eight years ago? The first officer on scene thought it was a good time to flirt with me. And the man I was dating at the time (also an officer) wanted to hear nothing of it. In fact, the first time I ventured out at night was with him, two weeks after the incident. We went to a movie. it went later than I thought it would and I asked him if he could drop me off at home (10 minute drive, max). He outright refused. He knew what had happened to me and he was a someone I'd been dating and friends with for four years at the time.

I don't think I could do it again.

 

[Gadgie]

Sounds like you have met the wrong type of bloke, but don't worry there is someone out there for you, who will treat you properly, good luck.