Relationship Does His 'mild' Ptsd Fog His Love For Me?

[Horse girl]

My heart goes out to you all on here - you are not alone.

I need some desperate advice. My ex is in the military and has been since he was 19. He is 33 now. When we first met, you know the story... everything was perfect, FIINALLY I was happy (I'd had a big betrayal before him) and now it was my turn to have someone. He was a true gentleman and we looked after one another are rarely had a cross word.

We grew so close, yet after a year something was off and I couldn't figure out what it was exactly. (I'm ex police so sometimes can pick up on things if something isn't quite right). At first I thought it was depression. He said he sometimes gets low and cries. He also told me when we first met that years ago when he first came back from being deployed he would sometimes get into fights on a night out but that has stopped now. He lost his best friend in Afghan which is awful. He has told me he felt he never grieved properly for him. When we went out a while back I noticed after a few drinks he got really stern after some guy in a bar was rude to him.

To cut a long story short, he started to withdraw from me and two months ago my whole world changed and I am now in hell. He told me he doesn't love me and couldn't see a future with me anymore. Something was missing he said. This was like a stab in my heart. However, he broke down crying when he ended it but then things got a lot worse. I asked him why is he so down and that he needs to tell this to his family and friends or someone at work - but he refused too. I was the only one who knew. Then he collapses in my lap sobbing telling me of a horrific event that happened to him whilst he was away. He has been away 4 times in total. I comforted him but in the moment my heart was being ripped apart I started to think there is more to this, this was not your average break up if that makes sense. If i could take his pain I would have in a second. That broke me. After talking he stood staring at my door for about 20 mins crying as he couldn't leave. I was so hurt at the time but I told him if anything good comes of this it's that he sorts himself out. He promised and left. I sat watching the sunset until 6 hours had passed and I suddenly realised i was sitting in the dark.

Since then i have not seen sunlight. Its almost as if he has numbed his emotions towards me as that is what he says he does to deal with things and bottles it up. I explained to him that is why he is having the upset that keeps coming up but then I got researching. I knew bits of PTSD but I did not know or realise the other symptoms involved. Everything fell into place for me and all made sense. It was if it was written about him.

Every night I research and I have sent him some information that he said has helped him. He even listened to me and I got him to tell a guy at work and I called a helpline (I was desperate) they said I was spot on once I explained things and that I need to get him to call. He did and now does so weekly apparently (4 - 5 times so far I think for about 30 mins) and he said he is learning it is good to talk about things. Progress at last. Now my problem:

Today we even texted quite a lot after an email I sent him. after him ignoring me for a while. My question: Is there such a thing as mild ptsd??? I have done a lot of research on this and since the events that affected him happened 8 years ago I'm not so sure he has it mildly like he says? I thought it could get worse over the years and he says it has got better?! Is that denial? Or is this possible? I believed that he needs proper therapy in order to improve? He says he doesn't have all of the symptoms so it doesn't apply to him fully.

Question 2: He says he knows how he feels, that he did love me (spoke about marriage and kids before) but now he doesn't and something was missing between us and that he would be wasting both of our time. He says it is'not the ptsd or whatever it is', he says that has got between us. All the research I have found is that it is toxic in any relationship and it is such a challenge but it is possible to get through if both are wiling.

He says my research is all about people with severe ptsd that doesn't apply to him. He thinks I am holding on to him wishing it was his ptsd when it is not. How will we know? I have cried so many times feeling hopeless as up until now he was totally shutting me out. He said he will call me in two days as he knows how upset and what a mess I have been because of this now. He even said he will meet me if I start to be happy again.

My problem is that I feel stuck and I can't focus on anything right now until this is resolved. The shutting out makes you worry literally until you are sick.

I can't just walk away if it is ptsd. I said I will stick by him no matter what. He says that he is saying it, so he is right - but is that always the case? Can ptsd fog their vision and true feelings or am I just making excuses? I've been going with my gut throughout this. He says the symptoms etc I can apply to him like you can star signs because I want too. If I am right, can I prove it to him?

I feel as if I see ghosts in a house that no one else can see. Am I imagining them or are they real?

Can anyone offer some advice please?

 

[HypnoticallyChaotic]

you need to have him evaluated if you suspect ptsd. try with a trauma psychologist.

also, yes it can. ptsd screws everything up...

 

[Fadeaway]

I'm not so sure he has it mildly like he says? I thought it could get worse over the years and he says it has got better?! Is that denial? Or is this possible?

It just doesn't work like that. It is more like a roller coaster. You make progress, then stress sets you back, then you make more progress then something can happen to make you worse.

Therapy is important, but many of us have learned to manage our symptoms on our own when therapy wasn't available. Until I was retraumatized, I had made a lot of progress on my own to the point I thought I had it all under control. Then something happened to make me more symptomatic than before. The truth is, there is no "one size fits all" on the journey to healing. Every one goes at their own rate.

 

[Horse girl]

HypnoticallyChaotic: Thank you so much for your words, I thought so. I will try to do that but he is resisting at the moment. He says the last month he has worked through his issues and it is not linked to me!

 

[Horse girl]

Thank you Fadeaway for your insight, that makes sense. I just want to help him through this, that is all as I know he would me.

 

[HypnoticallyChaotic]

Fadeaway put it into better words than I could. But still, try to talk him into an evaluation.

 

[Friday]

Can ptsd fog their vision and true feelings or am I just making excuses?

Emotional Numbing, & Emotional Distancing, & Disassociation, & Depersonalization, & Derealization... Are very much parts of this disorder, yes. How much a part, how often, and at what severity? Fluctuates. Person by person, as well as at different times for the same person. PTSD symptoms tend to be very fluid & responsive (for good or ill), rather than simply coming on and staying that way.

My question: Is there such a thing as mild ptsd???

Yes. Absolutely.

I'm not so sure he has it mildly like he says? I thought it could get worse over the years and he says it has got better?! Is that denial? Or is this possible?

I had moderate to severe PTSD for 5-7 years.
I then had virtually no symptoms for 10+ years.
I'm now 4 years into being moderate to severe.

The entire point of therapy is to moderate symptoms down to as close as possible to zip, zero, nada, zilch, undiagnoseable. So it's not only very possible for symptoms to get better over the years, that's actually the whole point.

Does a person need therapy & meds in order to get there? Nope. My first time through I had zero in the way of official therapy/meds. PTSD can and does self resolve over time with luck. If a person happens to either already have coping mechanisms (healthy or unhealthy), or stumbles across them on their own. What I DID have was a squadron of people just like me, and a grunt unit that didn't pull punches. We didn't use the terms stress management or exposure therapy or grounding... But that's exactly what we did. Sometimes down & dirty in ways no doc could ever get away with without being sued. The military is in large part set up to "naturally" bleed stress (PT, PT, PT...plus sex, partying, friendly fights, etc.) and when you're with a unit of people who are all just like you? The normalizing (also not a term we used) was inherently.

It's often not until a person either leaves the military, or is transferred to a non-combat role, injured, etc... That the coping mechanisms aren't applied naturally as breathing... And symptoms skyrocket. And not being with people who can see what's up and a) not be bothered & b)will check your as hard if you start getting squirrelly? Just compounds the problem, IME.

But even so, a helluva lot of people, especially those with mild symptoms, simply figure shit out on their own. It's not until later, when a coping mechanism is lost, or a new stressor kicks up... That symptoms flare back to life. As I said above? 10 years. 10 years virtually symptom free. A little insomnia in the fall. A few nightmares a year. The odd anxiety attack, or bad week/month. I often roughly estimate it at 92% normal. If I had actually known & understood PTSD & the kinds of coping mechanisms & stress management I had in my life? I might still be virtually symptom free.

I can't just walk away if it is ptsd. I said I will stick by him no matter what.

That's a very dangerous line of thinking, although I really do get where it comes from, the best advice I can give you is to drop it (not him, it) like a hot rock.

PTSD, especially combat PTSD, can get very ugly, very fast. A lot of us leave the people that we love because it's the only way we can figure out to protect them / we cannot trust ourselves, most especially not with the people we hold dearest.

If you do stay together / get back together... You really, really, really need to erase that whole line of thinking from your head, and have some really firm boundaries. Does PTSD cause abuse? Nope. But violence can very much be part of the territory when dealing with nightmares, panic attacks, rage storms, & unchecked symptoms. "Sticking by him no matter what?" Is priming the ground for what could be a healthy relationship into an abusive one. We can & do move mountains for the people we love. But if we're not getting our asses checked that XYZ is unf*ckingacceptable? We wont always see it as anything other than a molehill. & Conversely? If there isn't the trust that mountains are gonna pop on the radar, how can there be any trust that molehills are gonna be treated as molehills & not mountains? BFDs made of little shit, big shit ignored completely, ugh. It's an eye crossing clusterf*ck of not knowing which end is up. So regardless of whether something is no worries, or a huge deal, it needs -really needs- to be handled appropriately. Which means boundaries from hell from our supporters. Lines in the sand where Nope! Unacceptable. Do not cross it.

He thinks I am holding on to him wishing it was his ptsd when it is not. How will we know?

I wish I had an answer to this one.

While we absolutely have symptoms that include both the need for isolating when overwhelmed, as well as several different kinds of emotional distancing? We're also people. Who fall out of love. Make decisions that are in no way based on our disorder, but are following the dictates of our own consciences. People, whom yes, have PTSD... But it's just a part of us. Not all of us.

 

[Horse girl]

Fadeaway put it into better words than I could. But still, try to talk him into an evaluatio...

Thank you - I will try and do this.

 

[Horse girl]

Emotional Numbing, & Emotional Distancing, & Disassociation, & Depersonalization, & Derealization......

Friday Jones - thank you soooo much for your response. You were so informative and helpful. I just have a couple more questions if you or anyone can answer them?!

Emotional Numbing, & Emotional Distancing, & Disassociation, & Depersonalization, & Derealization as you said fluctuates, but is there a way to tell when it is happening or what symptom is at it highest at present???

Can this be determined in an evaluation if he sees someone? This is the symptom that I think he could have the most (if that makes sense) at the moment as he said before he knows he has anger towards what happened so my chain of thought was that he has curbed the anger side for years now and is coping well but maybe the numbing etc is high if that makes sense as he says he never saw futures with his exes etc and often needed time apart from them at times too he said. He also said he was left behind by everyone else relationship wise as his friends are mostly married with kids as he said they could balance a home life while he always couldn't, that he is lonely just before this all came about which is what really scared me.

Thank you for bringing the boundaries to my attention, I would set boundaries IF we sorted things out I would make sure I did. I was trying to say how much I love him, some people I know would run away from this and wouldn't be prepared to even help or stay and try.

I'm just trying to figure all of this out as I have been a mess because of it and it was starting to affect me and my health when I am usually strong.

 

[HypnoticallyChaotic]

youre welcome

 

[Friday]

Can this be determined in an evaluation if he sees someone?

@Sighs @Sweetpea76 @Owl. & other Supporters would have a better answer for you, there. My dating history is almost entirely PTSDx2... Before treatment. What treatment & evaluations can do or not inside of a relationship is something I have virtually no experience with, either as a sufferer or a supporter. Either in what I'm seeing in someone, or what someone is seeing in me ...& how evaluations & therapy come into play inside of relationships /that dynamic.

I know it personally took me years to learn to ignore when my emotions shut off, or all I could feel was anger, to "act as if". To know I loved them in my head, and so the heart would come around once my stress levels lowered if I didn't make an ass of myself. Mostly by having it happen over & over again... And either regretting leaving someone (if it had lasted long enough I left), or the gazillion rounds short term bouts of it during anniversaries & other stressful times, where I didn't have time to leave. Just something I got used to. ((Like being all PMSy and crying at commercials isn't how I actually feel about toilet paper, is something one learns about ones own hormones. Yeah. It ain't real. It's just a passing thing.)) Whether that can be instructed, instead of learned the hard way, or evaluated? And if so? How that would play in a relationship? IDK.

I can only imagine how stressful it would be in a marriage with serious years under its belt to have it happen for the first time. To have it not be something you've f*cked up countless relationships with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There really is no way to tell if relationship issues are PTSD symptoms or just plain ole relationship issues. I guess time could be an indicator... My vet has times when he is symptomatic, and times when he feels better. If he comes back around when he is feeling better or less stressed, then his PTSD could have been in play. Or not. It is very hard to tell.

I think a lot of supporters tend to get in this mode of thinking everything is PTSD, or that it totally shuts down their sufferer's brain. It's not the case. They are still themselves, they just have to wrestle with the beast at times. They can break up with somebody because they just want to break up. They can be an asshole just because they happen to be an asshole with PTSD. Sometimes it may be emotional numbing or some kind of PTSD issue, and sometimes it's not.

I use his overall mood and stress level to judge what my vet says to me. For example, I would be way more concerned about anything he said to me calmly. If he was ranting, lashing, or overly emotional I know that's not his typical M.O. He is usually laid back with a good sense of humor. If he loses his ability to joke or take a joke, I know he's stressed. When he is calm and serious, but still has that underlying jokiness, that's all him, and not the PTSD, and that is the time to take any talk serious as a heart attack.

Also, it is hard if not impossible to make a PTSD relationship work without a few things. First, the sufferer AND supporter have to be willing to put in the work, and also have the right attitude and personality to deal with PTSD in a healthy manner. Second the sufferer has to be committed to working on themselves and getting treatment. Third, both partners have to want the relationship to work badly. This shit is not for the faint of heart. One person cannot make a PTSD relationship (or any relationship really) work.

Basically, it's all confusing as hell. You just have to figure it out as you go.