Relationship Does His 'mild' Ptsd Fog His Love For Me?

[Sighs]

you need to have him evaluated

Um... does HE want to be evaluated? Does HE want to work through this? I may be misinterpreting but I'm hearing a resounding NO from him on these questions.

Bottom line is this - being in a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD is really hard. I want to second @Sweetpea76 here. You do not have a magic wand. You cannot fix him, cure him, heal him. You cannot 'love him through this'. If he is not prepared to work his arse off to wrestle his own demons and keep the relationship alive then it simply will not work no matter how much you want it to.

Trying to prove to him that he loves you and wants to be with you but his PTSD is getting in his way seems like a really bad plan. Confronting him about PTSD he is not ready to acknowledge will not end well.

My advice would be to back right off, get on with your own life and see if he comes calling down the track.

 

[Justmehere]

My heart goes out to you. That had to be a heart wrenching breakup. This time of shut out sounds so painful. Your care for him is admirable.

It's great that you and him have both talked to a crisis line, and it's good they can validate the possibility his may have PTSD. I hope he eventually gets into treatment or other support beyond the help line. You have also done a lot of good work to read up about PTSD and send him information that he has found helpful.

Can this be determined in an evaluation if he sees someone?

That's not quite how it works. (Oh I wish it did work this way though!) There is no easy way to figure out if the breakup and loss of feelings for you is due to PTSD or due to other factors, other than him sorting it out for himself. There's no test or evaluation that that can determine, yes, he doesn't love you right now only because of PTSD.

And it wouldn't really matter.

Let's say it is 100% due to PTSD. Well, where would that leave both of you? It's not as simple as go to therapy, recover from PTSD, and fall back in love again.

I have PTSD, and I'm still in treatment, and I have a long ways to go. I can tell you that going through the battle of recovering from PTSD and engaging in the ridiculously hard process of trauma therapy is a life changing process. It has changed me as a person. It has changed the way I relate to people. I'm not attracted to or drawn to the same kinds of people that I was looking for prior to therapy. I'm still me, but I'm also different. So even if it is PTSD, and even if he goes to treatment, it doesn't mean he will fall back in love with you - and this has little to do with you.

It could also take years before his symptoms get better, and they often get worse for awhile in treatment before it gets better.

It's also moot. He's not in therapy. He's talking to a crisis line, and that's a great start, but it's a long ways to recovery from PTSD.

I think a lot of supporters tend to get in this mode of thinking everything is PTSD, or that it totally shuts down their sufferer's brain. It's not the case. They are still themselves, they just have to wrestle with the beast at times. They can break up with somebody because they just want to break up. They can be an asshole just because they happen to be an asshole with PTSD. Sometimes it may be emotional numbing or some kind of PTSD issue, and sometimes it's not.

Very, very well said.

Trying to prove to him that he loves you and wants to be with you but his PTSD is getting in his way seems like a really bad plan. Confronting him about PTSD he is not ready to acknowledge will not end well.

My advice would be to back right off, get on with your own life and see if he comes calling down the track.

This is probably the hardest and yet the best thing to do for him, and for yourself. Let him go, as he is asking for, and take care of you. Mourn this loss of relationship, and move forward with your life. Then if he wants to be together again, see where you both are at and if you both are available and have feelings for each other at that time.

 

[Horse girl]

@signs @Sweetpea76 @Justmehere -- thank you so much for your insights on this, you have no idea how much it helps. Thank you for your understanding and compassion.

So we actually spoke on the phone yesterday since this has all happened as he knew I was struggling and worrying about him and it was comforting to hear he is going okay as the last time I saw him it was horrific.

I asked if he has still been calling the helpline and he said yes and that he is also talking to the padre at his work face to face. Which he said is helping, which is a start.

He said he can't read anymore about it at the minute and it depresses him go do so. When I asked if he knew that he might have or be suffering from ptsd he said no, said he just dealt with his crying/anger etc alone behind closed doors for years and thought as it would always pass and come back it was just something that just happened. I think the thought that he could have this had been such a blow to him and he is still trying to get his head around it all as he is so focused on his career and ignored it thinking he was weak to tell anyone and that he is okay.

He hasn't been diagnosed from what I am getting. Who would do that exactly? One step at a time he said. He also hasn't started any treatment as of yet unless you can count the helpline and talking to the padre? I'm not too sure how qualified or what the padre can do for him to be honest, but it's good it's someone he is talking too at least.

In order to start proper treatment would he need to see a proper health professional for this outside of the military? I said it's something he could consider in the future but understand I can't push him he has to do it in his own time.

If him pushing me away is because of ptsd the same thing could happen with him again? He gets too close then pushes away? Or with someone new this time. He's already told me about exes who I think ran off and left him and who he said he couldn't see a future with and that he didn't love them-just that's what got me thinking it could be a pattern as he has been taught for years in combat to not have these love feelings and maybe that was why he was struggling. But now I understand this might just all be a coincidence. Only he knows and as for now I believe what says and that he has to figure this all out.

I will try and focus on myself now and sort some other things out in my life and he needs to do the same, we both agreed on that, but I will always still be here if he needs me.

Look after yourselves.

 

[Horse girl]

Okay so I'm afraid I need some more help from anyone :-(

Update:

Basically he's emailed saying that "I have had anger issues about it because it happened in the first place but that's all. I'm really not suffering as much as you think ! "

I responsed and asked to consider getting a proper diagnosis but no response. Not sure I get one.

We met online a year ago. He is now back online. I know he is single now and free to do as he pleases. Im trying to understand the emotional cutting off suddenly, when we were so close, It is so difficult for the partners also. He fails to believe the emotional numbing aspect, says he is still him, even tho I've said it can affect his future if he doesn't find out for sure one day. He blames me and says I'm the one with the issue not accepting him not loving me and that I'm making this ptsd up as an excuse as it is so hard to deal with the fact that he couldn't possibly love me. I believe he doesn't, he's made that perfectly clear, however why can't he get evaluated to rule out if he even has PTSD let alone the emotional side of it? I know it must be hard, but I'm scared for him as he seems so obvious or is playing it all down.

I do feel much stronger than I did before, but this has been one of the most difficult things.

Any advice welcome.

 

[Justmehere]

however why can't he get evaluated to rule out if he even has PTSD let alone the emotional side of it? I know it must be hard, but I'm scared for him as he seems so obvious or is playing it all down.

Let go of getting a diagnosis. I know this is really hard, but the more you can let go of that, the easier it might be.

Pushing him to try and accept things that he is not ready yet to accept is not a path for him to doing better. Denial is a defense mechanism, a maladaptive coping skill. It's a way to cope with and push away pain. If you take away someone's denial before they are ready and can handle facing stuff on their own, they can have a massive breakdown. I would never push someone very depressed and suicidal to accept they have been traumatized. That is a very tough realization to come to.

Right now, he's not ready, and it's not going to help to keep pushing him, not even for his sake.

You can't change him. The only thing you can change is you. What you can change is working on being able to let go. This is a really hard thing. Really hard. It's not fair or right and it stinks that he is not willing to get his butt in therapy, but he isn't willing or ready.

We don't know if the emotional numbing is due to PTSD or not. If it is emotional numbing due to PTSD, it changes only after a LOT of work, and someone has to be willing to do that work. He isn't willing.

He's been talking to trained professionals on the help line. They have likely talked to him about getting regular counseling, especially because he has called them a number of times. He is not ready or willing to do that. It is what it is.

Getting a diagnosis is not the final answer to this pain and suffering. It's not like oh, that's what it is and I can stop emotionally numbing out. No, the emotional numbing is still there.

Getting a diagnosis also doesn't mean that all the anger goes away, often it gets worse. Good trauma therapists are very careful about timing when they tell someone a diagnosis.

A diagnosis is not likely to lead him to think his loss of feelings for you is all due to the PTSD. Maybe it is, and maybe it is not. It takes time to sort out what is and isn't the PTSD and that's not even really the goal of therapy. Even without an official diagnosis, things could change for the better as well. What makes the difference is someone wanting and being willing to get help as well.

When I was first diagnosed, I thought I was FINE. It took me another 5 years before I could admit I needed to go to counseling, and it took another 2 years before I accepted myself that I had PTSD. Many more years later, and I still sometimes try to convince myself I don't really have PTSD.

Focusing so much on the diagnosis of a major mental health condition may be why he is now somewhat defensively saying he is not suffering that much. Being diagnosed comes with some huge drawbacks and a lot of pain for some people. It's really hard to go out and ask for someone to evaluate if you have a major mental health condition/illness.

He is saying he is still him because you are not accepting that he is still him, with or without PTSD. He is the one making the choices he is making. Not some outside influence. He is. It may be PTSD fueled emotional numbing but he is making the choice to not do more about it. That's him.

Even without a diagnosis he could reach out and work on his anger issues more deeply. He's not willing. That's all him. The PTSD is not separate from him.

Therapy for PTSD is REALLY HARD. It's not a place of going in and being told good things and leaving feeling wonderful and great. I mean sometimes that happens, and other days, it's really painful.

You can't do much for him other than accept him as he is (this does not mean condoning hurtful behaviors or real probelms). You should also keep good boundaries about what you are and are not ok with letting into your life. That's all you can do for him.

You can do something really important for you: grieve. This is a big loss. Feeling angry and frustrated and worried are really normal parts of the process. You can also keep reaching out. A lot of supporters and sufferers have been on both sides of a shut out, and it stinks. It's awful.

I do hope he does get whatever support he needs, and he has been lucky to have such a kind and compassionate supporter in his life.

The world really does need more compassionate supporters like you. You are worth being chosen, fought for, loved. Deeply. You deserve someone who will make the choice to get help if they started having symptoms and anger episodes that could be affecting the relationship with you. This guy may be a great guy in many ways, but he's not that guy. PTSD or not, he's not that guy. So many people would be so lucky and blessed to have someone like you in their lives. Please know that even though he is doing such painful things and not making the choice to be evaluated and get help so he can be out of pain again, you are an amazing person and I hope you find someone soon who can treasure you like you deserve. :hug:

 

[Horse girl]

@Justmehere I can't thank you enough for you kind response. I had to compose myself after as reading you message brought me to tears!

No one has explained it to me the way you have or others on here as no one else really understands unless you know about the symptoms and about it.

You're right, I have to stay strong and keep working on myself now. I've been up and down with this too. One minute I'm okay the next I'm in tears again, then angry at the situation and it's the shock how what you thought your future would be can change in the blink of an eye. It hurts.

It never even crossed my mind that pushing him to get evaluated could cause him to have a breakdown. I feel awful for doing so now, I was thinking it would enable him to learn more and understand in order to help him, but now I understand and will back right off with that and never mention again if we talk again.

I didn't think properly about the pain it would cause him to start therapy and that was selfish of me and he has to do things in his own time when and if he is willing. I hope the helpline and the padre really help him though and have to trust that they will. I think he knows he has to start deep down but I. His own time as he is calling the helpline as you said.

I guess also that I probably remind him of the pain so it makes sense to cut me out, especially since i sent him some information and saw some of his pain unfold as no one else has seen that before he said.

I always will love him and can't even think of being close to anyone else right now (it's going to be a long grieving process), so for now I will just focus on my career and other things in my life. That's all I can manage right now.

It's not fair what has happened to any of you on here and know that you and your words have helped others greatly.

 

[Justmehere]

I just want to add that I don't think anything you did was selfish or even harmful. My input was to explain why he pushed back the way he did, that's all. One of the hardest things in the world is to see someone we have loved be in great pain, and not be able to or choose to get out of that pain. Your actions and reactions are very understandable. You have handled many things with a lot of grace and wisdom. It makes sense to feel angry and sad, and a wide array of feelings now. Grief sucks. Especially when it's so sudden of a loss and life change. In the midst of the pain of letting him go, be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be. If it helps, please keep reaching out for support whenever needed. :hug:

 

[seedling]

that was selfish of me

I don't agree. You were so supportive in trying to finding out what the problem might be that was impeding the relationship. You sent him information that you thought might help him. It's hard to know how far to go sometimes.
Then you came here and educated yourself even more and now, from what you have learned, you are adjusting your approach. That is very unselfish in my book.

It's not fair what has happened to any of you on here

And it's happened to you too. You are one of us. All the best in taking care of yourself and finding the best in life:hug:.

 

[Horse girl]

@Justmehere @seedling thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your support, it's a comfort and helps to keep me strong.

In all of this, I think it scared him as he didn't realise all of the symptoms and is now learning about it and coming to terms that he could possibly have it. That's why I was trying to help him, the thought of him going through this without someone close or family knowing was killing me. I've told him I'm always here, so I'll try and hope if he ever needs me, he believes that.

I now come on the site daily, it helps for any questions I have and to know none of us are alone.

Big hugs to you all.

 

[Sighs]

Sometimes it's the timing that is wrong. An ex of mine was diagnosed with MS while we were together. I tried so hard to help him but he was struggling to adjust and blaming me for all of the changes in his life. (Not working, not driving etc) It was easier to blame me and resent me than to accept his illness.

My advice is to let him go. If he is not in a place to accept your support and help there is nothing more you can do.

 

[seedling]

there is nothing more you can do

I agree. Maybe the love you two shared has had its purpose in your lives.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Friday Jones - thank you soooo much for your response. You were so informative and helpful. I just...

I am in agreement with other responses in that PTSD symptoms fluctuate depending on current stresses and a person's skill level at coping in general. I have known people who have never gotten into treatment who appear to "function" in everyday life though their relationships are challenged on a lot of levels. As far as dissociation / detachment goes, when in person - I've gotten to tell someone is doing this based on their eyes. At times, they look like they are staring at something though "no one's home" as you look at their face...that's the best description I can give it as I type :) When not in person, it's more through their actions. The main area I can see therapy being useful is to help a person process the trauma at a deeper level though no one can determine the readiness for this other than the person seeking treatment. Once someone is open to that process, they can learn skills to manage the symptoms more effectively so they are less pronounced in their everyday life. I would like to think with the right conditions, supports, lifestyle habits, etc., that PTSD symptoms will improve if not at some point go away. Even under the best of circumstances, when someone who has it is confronted with an unusual amount of stress, has another significant loss (divorce, break-up, death, job loss, etc.) that some symptoms will re-surface. However, if they've had treatment, they may have "tools" to manage the recurrence in symptoms more effectively. Until someone has these tools in place whether through personally acquiring them or through therapy, being in an intimate relationship with them can be REALLY difficult and draining. I've dated people who either haven't acknowledged there's an issue to those who have begun the therapy process and either way, it's tough after having had more years of therapy than I'd like to have needed.