Supporter Does It Always End In Divorce?

[LadyOlenna]

Hi,

New to the forum but have been doing a lot of online research into PTSD. My husband is a combat veteran of Afghanistan and Iraq and has been diagnosed as being 80% disabled by the VA. PTSD accounts for 30% of the disability, and although the VA keeps putting him on Sertaline he refuses to take it because it makes him extremely sleepy. So his outbursts and the general cycle of anger has gotten worse with time. I'm at the point in which I simply have no love left for him. He is mean and petty and constantly picking fights in front of our small child. He calls me lazy all the time and continually puts me down. It's gotten to the point that I have just turned off all my emotions in order to not react to him. I don't know how he manages to keep a really good job, but he does, and I stay home with our son. I am financially dependent on him and that is the only reason I stay with him. I want my child to be well cared for but at the same time I don't want him around his father when he starts in on his tirades of anger and emotional abuse. I am going to start seeing a therapist next week that specializes in EMDR(?) and PTSD but although my husband has promised to go as well I know when push comes to shove he won't. He also promised many times to stay on his meds and to this day he just can't seem to keep any of his many promises.

I know I should be more understanding of what he is struggling with but at this point I am just so tired of being treated so horribly. I'm tired of the constant anger and I'm tired of being embarrassed by his irrational behaviors. I know I can't be alone in this, there has to be other spouses that have or are going through this too. It just seems like most marriages dealing with PTSD end in divorce. I just really don't want to split my family apart but it is worse for our child to be around him when he is like this.

Please help! I am open to any advice or literature. I am desperate for help. If nothing else does anybody know how divorce law relates to PTSD? I'm scared that my son will have to be forced to be around his anger. Help!

 

[a3a2]

LadyOlenna,

No, it doesn't always end in divorce. But it cannot be a one-sided commitment, either. Your husband has to step up and get the help he needs, or your have good reason to separate. I am glad to hear that you are going to see a therapist. That is an excellent step for you and your son. Keep yourself healthy, then you will be able to protect your son....either in influencing your husband...or leaving him.

 

[Anna]

Welcome to the forum :)

There is a very good supporters section here.

I read your post, and have a few questions.

First, is your husband physically violent towards you?

In every relationship, people argue. They argue in front of their kids as well. Also, being angry is a part of PTSD, but there are a lot of people, especially men out there without PTSD that have a short fuse and become angry.

You are talking about PTSD and divorce law? You have to ask yourself, do you want to be with your husband or not? Considering divorce is a pretty heavy step.

You say he holds down a good job, this is one positive thing. Perhaps you should suggest marriage councelling for both of you. He has no right to belittle or put you down. This is plain wrong, he needs to stop this and realise how much it upsets you. I think you should try and get councelling and therapy as a couple, he needs to realise how much he is hurting you and pushing you to the limits.

 

[janej32]

Marriages with a PTSD sufferer do not always end in divorce. As long as the sufferer is willing to get help and work on healing there is a chance of a healthy relationship. It can be very hard for sufferers however to take that leap but it is absolutely necessary for healing. Living with a sufferer can be extremely hard so do not feel bad! You need to just remember to take care of yourself and do what is best for you and your child, whilst supporting your husband through this.

I pray that you get through this and that your husband responds to the help you are trying to provide. Stay strong.

 

[StandHopeful]

Hi Lady Olenna. I am new to this forum too and asking many of the same questions. I have three small kids and we have been struggling with my husbands undiagnosed PTSD for about 6 years. He was recently diagnosed and things got better for a few months,but now are back to "normal". He shuts us out, secludes himself, blames everyone and has completely isolates himself from everything he used to do. I too am wondering if divorce is our only option. We've had very bad doctors (four years ago he was wrongly diagnosed with ADHD instead of PTSD) which causes him to be very hopeless in believing anyone will be able to help him. I am a Christian and don't believe in divorce as an option for myself... but I and the kids deserve so much more. He is so selfish and self absorbed and I am so tired of fighting this fight. I left him for Christmas, came home to my family a few states away and got some space. He did come here for about 36 hours to spend Christmas with us, but left not to go back to work, but to go back home to spend his next four days off alone.

That said, I still don't think divorce is the option right now. Instead, I am educating myself about PTSD and setting some very strong boundries. I am trying to come up with a plan of attack for myself. It will entail keeping myself and the kids busy and being a stonger influence in his care... setting up his appointments and helping to find a different doctor for him. He has agreed he is sick and that the only way this marriage will work is to get the help he needs. But I have been remiss in expecting HIM to schedule his appointments, tell the doctor what is going on in his life, and taking his meds regularly. So part of my plan of attack is to take over some of that and go with him to some of his appointments.

I don't know what the future holds for us but I deserve to give it everything I possibly can. I too understand not having much "love" anymore but I said "for better or worse, in sickness and health" and I meant it. As long as I am safe, my kids are safe and he is not cheating on me, I will continue to fight this fight with him. But I will not continue to fight with HIM. That is part of my boundries, when things get heavy at home, we leave. Me and the kids will stay pretty busy, living our lives and stop allowing his sickness from ruling them. I suggest you figure our YOUR plan of attack for yourself. You deserve to create the best life for yourself that you can.

I am not sure if I helped, but you aren't alone and from what I understand many relationships do end in divorce. But not all... don't give up hope and know you aren't alone.

 

[wife of]

We delt with the symptoms of ptsd undiagnosed for 15 years here and hubs was diagnosed just over a year ago.

The last year has been horrendous for us and dispite his suggesting it ,I refuse to give up and walk away.

We may be,just now starting to see some improvement in condition after a year of multiple ward admissions,med changes and therapy combined with sorting out a lot of previously undiscovered endocrine issues.

I made vows to my husband 20 years ago and whilst some see it as stubborn,some as foolhardy many others do see it for what it is strength(from god knows where at times) and determination with a major dose of old fashioned love.

Quite simply,I aint quitting......ever.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong for hanging in there by your fingernails,only you have the right to decide what is too much for you to deal with.

 

[TranquilStream]

You might also consider that financial distress is a leading cause of divorce and if you start to hold up the other side of the financial burden it might help the situation. Ask the counselor how you could work that out while still protecting your child - possibly having someone else watch the child while you work rather than leaving the child alone with your husband. It would also enable you to be in a position to leave if you really decided you can't handle it.

 

[TranquilStream]

Honestly he's got a lot of pressure to deal with being a sole provider and having PTSD. No wonder he's stressed.

 

[amethist]

Hi LadyOlenna

Not all PTSD relationships come to an end, whether married or not, some do some dont. There is no set way to keep it together either, so no one can give you that recipe for a successful outcome.

Setting good solid boundaries of what you will and will not allow is possibly the hardest one, but the most important for you and the children. One being he actively and positively works on his issues, whilst you learn how to be a the best supporter you can. Not staying on his meds, that have a positive effect is one boundary he should not cross. Another one is that the second he starts with an anger tirade, you take your son and yourself away from the situation immediately, if possible. Another room or going out to a friends if you have to.

That said, it is possible to keep going, no matter how hard it gets, if you can work together going forward. As TranquilStream suggested, if you could some how take the strain of the financial burden, it can go a long way to your husband feeling less stressed about. Not easy with young children, but if you have friends or relatives who could ease the burden that way, then even a few hours a week can go a long way to making end meet easier.

If nothing works and you do eventually decide to leave for the sake of your child and your own sanity, then please do not feel guilty. Those who do leave, have nothing to feel guilty about, it is not your fault it fell apart, just the situation you ended up in.

Put yourself and your child first when ever you have to.

Amethist.

 

[timetorecover]

I am a sufferer and have the same question!
I hope that you are not in any physical danger and hope that the answer to your question is NO!!
Good luck xx

 

[joe_amnesia]

My wife just had an affair (my wake up call) and I can understand why - I was lost for years and she had no insite into my screwed up world. I was absence and she went elsewhere. She did not have any idea what had happened to me. Your paragraph about your husband has echoes of my past. Rage, irrational and yes probably verbally abusive as my view of the world was pure threat. Couple of points:

1. I would try and get some space - just this threat might be enough for him to get some help
2. You must look after yourself - I took a lot out of my wife and she was drained
3. The children must be protected - My number 1 goal is that my world is not passed to the next generation. Does he understand this? It took me a long time to grow up and realize I dont have a sound basis for raising kids and this has to be learned. My experiences are not normal and I love my family - he may to but is lost in the hell of experience
4. Communication and lots of it. Honest and open
5. No promises of commitment - my wife and I are married but no clue if we will be in 6 months from now - 1 step at a time and it will take a long time. We have aknowledged it
6. Get a job - it will get you out of the house the financial dependency issue will be removed and you wont feel so trapped. the distance may help. just keep the kids safe.
7. I keep a good paying job as well and fall apart at home - personality shifts and stresses are differnt - he may be struggling with the complexity and possibly feeling he has failed as a father and husband - I do daily.
8. Meds are a bitch and they effect you in weird ways - I have similiar problems staying on them as they effect my ability to be a good provider - again the failure loop.

My wife and i have not given up on each other - what we have done is defined some clear boundaries which is tough to do, and agreed to work until we either conclude we are done or committed. BUT if you are not safe or your kids are not safe I think a bit of distance might help clear some of the confusion. Divorce without clarity is a mistake - get clarity and time and go from there.

Please take care of yourself first then consider what you want from your relationship.