AlshaSoDak
Bronze Member
Hello, I'm a new member as of today, but I have found these forums exceptionally helpful in understanding my irregular* relationship.
For the past nine months I have been seeing and becoming closer to my veteran. He devoted 10 years of his life to the Army including two tours overseas. He has always been very forthcoming and upfront about his issues with PTSD. He is medicated, and has been seeing his therapist for nearly 6 years at the VA once a month. He admits to having underlying family issues and childhood trauma but isn't comfortable disclosing much information with me about those things. I don't ask, I don't push; we speak about them at his leisure (a thank you to all of you for teaching me this early on through the forums. Patience!)
The first thing I did when we became serious is start to research. This was all very new to me, and I wanted to soak in information. I always knew this relationship was different. Little to no affection, no sleeping together, little to no touch, no discussions of feelings, guards up high, etc. Sex was sex, no intimacy. He couldn't bring himself to kiss me until nearly 6 months of seeing each other. Finally at 8 months, an "I love you." And although few and far between, I receive a cuddle, an overnight stay, an I love you, or a kiss once in awhile now. Hugs are routine. This has all come at a very slow pace, full of ups and downs for both of us. But I am grateful, as I never pictured getting this far.
I've come to understand a lot of this is fear. He is committed to our relationship, but fears the title. What comes after, the expectations, failing me, failing himself, failing us, he's terrified. He's been divorced twice, he knows it's relative to the PTSD. (Although to me it's just as much the supporters understanding as the sufferers issues.) He has a son (6) part-time, who adores him, but he insists he's not a good father. I, also divorced with a daughter (5), understand some of this fear, but I know I cannot convince him of his worth. I can only keep trying. Pushing my adoration and respect and love and hoping he will realize it someday.
Two weeks ago, he lost his job. His temper flares. It flared with the wrong person this time. I've read about the "blind rage" and although I've never experienced it, I have witnessed his anger toward others. This came at a time where his grandmother, who is the only relative he doesn't have negative feelings toward, was diagnosed with cancer. The world that he already struggles with is crumbling. Lots of added stress.
After he was fired he immidiately applied for other jobs, and got an interview right away. He is not unhirable, he is smart, works hard, typically ranks pretty high in the work place, and stays employed for long periods. He doesn't tolerate disrespect, and has a hard time keeping a lid on his anger when he feels disrespected, even if unintentional. I saw this as a high point, that he jumped back on finding something vs. isolating or withdrawing.
The next day he visited (we live an hour apart) and was in good spirits, very affectionate. Two days later, he planned to stay overnight, I was so excited. He had a VA appointment that day with his therapist, and can be very depressed/withdrawn/vulnerable after them. When I asked how it went he said "I think that was the best appointment I've had with Mary* in six years." Yes! We had dinner and hung out at my home. He felt distant or uncomfortable somehow, but I brushed it off. We sat on the couch and I began to drift in and out a little during conversation. At one point he nudged me and said "don't be weird, but I told Mary* about you today." I said "really...and what did you say?" He laughed and said, "well I'm not going to tell you that. When she asked how I felt about it, I told her it was weird I can be myself around you. I can have good days and it's okay, I can have bad days and it's okay. It's always okay. You don't criticize or critique me." Well of course it's okay, you don't choose what parts of someone you love. When he's down, suicidal, angry, I take him as he is. What else can I do but love him through it? He puts on a front with everyone else, not Mary*, and not me. He is always allowed to be himself. I drifted off again, and he nudges me once more and says, "This scares me." And I say, "what? The snuggling." He nods. I ask why. He says he doesn't know. It was strange. He didn't end up staying and when he was home he sent a text saying, "I'm sorry I had to leave. I felt too vulnerable. I'm afraid I can't give you what you want or need." I replied "it only upset me that you left because I didn't understand why, 85% of the time my needs are met, wants are just wants. They change all the time." He returned the following evening and took me for dinner, a drink and a movie (our first real date! We don't go out much, as a lot of things seem to trigger him. We stay in at his place or mine.) He then stayed the night. It was perfect.
Everything seemed fine while he was with me, until this past week. He hasn't called or texted in a regular manner. He's short with responses, we speak before bed every night, routinely, and that hasn't happened. It felt like he was pulling away. To be clear, this hasn't happened before. Not this badly. It was wearing on me, not knowing what was happening, so I called. Halfway angry, but 100% hurt. He apologized, said he was struggling with it all. I asked if that's why he was pushing me away, he said yes. I asked why, since I'm only here to support and encourage him and listen. He said he didn't know why, just did. He is still distant. But "checks in" about once a day, so I know he's okay, and still here.
What can I do during this time of withdrawal? Does it even have anything to do with me? Is it his way of decompressing, figuring out life? It's hard for me to stay away, but I don't want to smother him. I also don't want to be added stress. How do I not take this personally? Any pointers to understanding his behavior, and controlling my own? Thank you all for any input, I appreciate all of the advice. It's good to not feel so alone.
For the past nine months I have been seeing and becoming closer to my veteran. He devoted 10 years of his life to the Army including two tours overseas. He has always been very forthcoming and upfront about his issues with PTSD. He is medicated, and has been seeing his therapist for nearly 6 years at the VA once a month. He admits to having underlying family issues and childhood trauma but isn't comfortable disclosing much information with me about those things. I don't ask, I don't push; we speak about them at his leisure (a thank you to all of you for teaching me this early on through the forums. Patience!)
The first thing I did when we became serious is start to research. This was all very new to me, and I wanted to soak in information. I always knew this relationship was different. Little to no affection, no sleeping together, little to no touch, no discussions of feelings, guards up high, etc. Sex was sex, no intimacy. He couldn't bring himself to kiss me until nearly 6 months of seeing each other. Finally at 8 months, an "I love you." And although few and far between, I receive a cuddle, an overnight stay, an I love you, or a kiss once in awhile now. Hugs are routine. This has all come at a very slow pace, full of ups and downs for both of us. But I am grateful, as I never pictured getting this far.
I've come to understand a lot of this is fear. He is committed to our relationship, but fears the title. What comes after, the expectations, failing me, failing himself, failing us, he's terrified. He's been divorced twice, he knows it's relative to the PTSD. (Although to me it's just as much the supporters understanding as the sufferers issues.) He has a son (6) part-time, who adores him, but he insists he's not a good father. I, also divorced with a daughter (5), understand some of this fear, but I know I cannot convince him of his worth. I can only keep trying. Pushing my adoration and respect and love and hoping he will realize it someday.
Two weeks ago, he lost his job. His temper flares. It flared with the wrong person this time. I've read about the "blind rage" and although I've never experienced it, I have witnessed his anger toward others. This came at a time where his grandmother, who is the only relative he doesn't have negative feelings toward, was diagnosed with cancer. The world that he already struggles with is crumbling. Lots of added stress.
After he was fired he immidiately applied for other jobs, and got an interview right away. He is not unhirable, he is smart, works hard, typically ranks pretty high in the work place, and stays employed for long periods. He doesn't tolerate disrespect, and has a hard time keeping a lid on his anger when he feels disrespected, even if unintentional. I saw this as a high point, that he jumped back on finding something vs. isolating or withdrawing.
The next day he visited (we live an hour apart) and was in good spirits, very affectionate. Two days later, he planned to stay overnight, I was so excited. He had a VA appointment that day with his therapist, and can be very depressed/withdrawn/vulnerable after them. When I asked how it went he said "I think that was the best appointment I've had with Mary* in six years." Yes! We had dinner and hung out at my home. He felt distant or uncomfortable somehow, but I brushed it off. We sat on the couch and I began to drift in and out a little during conversation. At one point he nudged me and said "don't be weird, but I told Mary* about you today." I said "really...and what did you say?" He laughed and said, "well I'm not going to tell you that. When she asked how I felt about it, I told her it was weird I can be myself around you. I can have good days and it's okay, I can have bad days and it's okay. It's always okay. You don't criticize or critique me." Well of course it's okay, you don't choose what parts of someone you love. When he's down, suicidal, angry, I take him as he is. What else can I do but love him through it? He puts on a front with everyone else, not Mary*, and not me. He is always allowed to be himself. I drifted off again, and he nudges me once more and says, "This scares me." And I say, "what? The snuggling." He nods. I ask why. He says he doesn't know. It was strange. He didn't end up staying and when he was home he sent a text saying, "I'm sorry I had to leave. I felt too vulnerable. I'm afraid I can't give you what you want or need." I replied "it only upset me that you left because I didn't understand why, 85% of the time my needs are met, wants are just wants. They change all the time." He returned the following evening and took me for dinner, a drink and a movie (our first real date! We don't go out much, as a lot of things seem to trigger him. We stay in at his place or mine.) He then stayed the night. It was perfect.
Everything seemed fine while he was with me, until this past week. He hasn't called or texted in a regular manner. He's short with responses, we speak before bed every night, routinely, and that hasn't happened. It felt like he was pulling away. To be clear, this hasn't happened before. Not this badly. It was wearing on me, not knowing what was happening, so I called. Halfway angry, but 100% hurt. He apologized, said he was struggling with it all. I asked if that's why he was pushing me away, he said yes. I asked why, since I'm only here to support and encourage him and listen. He said he didn't know why, just did. He is still distant. But "checks in" about once a day, so I know he's okay, and still here.
What can I do during this time of withdrawal? Does it even have anything to do with me? Is it his way of decompressing, figuring out life? It's hard for me to stay away, but I don't want to smother him. I also don't want to be added stress. How do I not take this personally? Any pointers to understanding his behavior, and controlling my own? Thank you all for any input, I appreciate all of the advice. It's good to not feel so alone.
